"You are kind of mean".

I have been kind of quiet lately. I've had lots to say, but nothing I feel safe saying here. People read this, you know, and I don't know to come across as being harsh or mean. So I've been quiet.

I am on the race committee for the Vancouver Marathon coming up next year. At this month's meeting, I was assigned the duty of Volunteer Co-ordinator. The race director said he thought I would be good at this job because "you are kind of mean". Is that a compliment?!

He later explained that he meant I was direct, not really mean. The truth is, I wish I was more direct, more mean. I don't always say the things I wish I had said. I often stew over things, I keep them down. I end up feeling sick to my stomach and unable to breath because I am so distraught about what others are doing or thinking of me. That is something I wish was different. I have been able, lately, to say the things I want to say, when I want to say them. Some of the fear of doing that has gone away. But I still fret about it. I'll say something and then wonder "was that mean?" "should I have said that".

I saw an interview with Dana White once. He is the President of the UFC. The interviewer was saying how "direct" Dana is and how he is uncensored, always says what he thinks. He was asked if he ever regrets saying things. Dana's response was this "No. I'm not that guy". I LOVED that answer. I want to be like that. He just says it and moves on. I dwell.

As much as I often act like I don't care what people think. I do. We all do. As Dr. Suess says "Say what you mean and mean what you say. Those who care don't matter and those who matter don't care".