love

A friend of mine found a blog and sent it to me. Its called Enjoying the small things. Its written by a young woman who's second daughter was born with down syndrome. It is amazingly beautiful and touching. Here is the link that my friend sent me. Its the birth story of Nella, the daughter with down syndrome and I sobbed when I read it. This may sound silly, but it reminded me so much of Asha. One line in particular...

Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me.

Every time I read that, all I want to do is hold Asha close to me, tell her that I love her and be sure that she knows it. She is not what we expected, but she wants to be loved. She needs to be loved. And, oh, how we love her.

She makes us crazy, she's turned our lives upside down and she has tested my patience. But we love her. There are times when I think of how life would be if she had never come to live with us. I only think of how it would be for us. I try not to think about how it would have been for her.

When I am exhausted and just want to relax and she is running and barking, I look at Buster and Maggie. I see them fast asleep on the couch and can't help but think how quiet it would be if was just them. But its not just them, Asha, our little problem child, is part of our family and we are all in this together.

It never fails that soon after these thoughts cross my mind, Asha will come over and lean against me or look me right in the face with those blind eyes and there nothing I would change about that moment....Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me.

Don't worry sweet baby....we do love you.

Trial and Error

It seems like most of my posts lately are about Asha, that's because our lives are consumed with helping her find her place in the world. Mostly, we are working to find the right combination of drugs that will allow all of us to live a more peaceful life.

Asha has been a part of our family for 7 months now. The first several weeks she lived with us, she behaved like a puppy - getting into things, whining and finding her voice. After she started having seizures, she changed. I think back to things that happened around that time and often wonder what caused the change in her behavior. After the seizures, she started to be anxious all the time, she developed some obsessive compulsive behaviors and her running and barking got totally out of control.

She started taking phenobarbital and that stopped the seizures, but all her other behavior issues continued. She started having a problem sleeping at night. I slept on the floor with her for almost a month. I remember I brought her to work with me one day and she barked ALL day long. The vet from the office next door came over and talked to me about anxiety drugs. I remember I was so offended...I wasn't going to drug my dog. In fact, I told him that it was unusual behavior. Well...it became usual and drugs have been the only things that have saved us.

After I had been sleeping on the floor for a month, one night Asha was so anxious that I thought she would have a heart attack. That went on for a few nights and I finally asked our vet for something to help with that. There began our journey to find the right drug for Asha. Here's how its gone....

Asha takes phenobarbital for her seizures. We've controlled them with a very low dosage - she takes 1 grain (60 mgs) 2 times per day.

Our vet prescribed Reconcile, basically prozac for dogs. this class of drugs is a Selective Serotonine Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI). This was somewhat effective. Asha was able to sleep for about 6 hours per night. She was able to fall asleep without anxiety. It did not, however, help with the running and barking, nor did it help with her destructiveness while left home alone. The only side effect Asha exhibited from this drug was diarrhea. That became constant and we didn't like that.

After about 6 weeks, we were still struggling with Asha's behavior. I started doing some more research, I joined a lethal white forum and saw lots of information about dogs with similar issues as Asha. Many people stressed that I should find a behavioral vet right away so that Asha's habits didn't become impossible to break. I searched and found one such vet in the Portland area. I talked with my vet about changing Asha's medication. As if reading my mind, she said that this was really out of her realm and asked if I would consider going to a behaviorist. She was going to refer me to the vet I had found.

I was very encouraged and hopeful. Behavioral vets work with both drugs and behavior modification. We had a trainer coming to the house every week to help us, so we were already working on that and I looked forward to more help.

Two weeks later, we had our appt with the vet and he made some changes to Asha's medication. We weaned her off the Reconcile and started her on a drug called Paroxetine (Paxil) - a different SSRI drug. While weaning her off the reconcile, I realized just how effective it had been. She went crazy during that time and as soon as we started her on the Paroxetine, she calmed down a bit.

Asha's diarrhea stopped when we switched her off the Reconcile. However, she started having a difficult time sleeping at night. Her usual 6 hours of sleep went down to 3 or 4. This was the hardest time for us. We were getting no sleep and it was exhausting. Night time restlessness can be a side effect of the Paroxetine.

We were prescribed a drug to help her sleep at night - Trazodone. This was a disaster. It had exactly the opposite effect - it made Asha not sleep. We started with the smallest dosage and increased it over three nights. By the third night she wasn't sleeping at all. She was fighting the effects of the drug, moaning and groaning, fighting to stay awake. We decided to stop that immediately.

We were hopeful that her transition to the Paroxetine was over and that she wouldn't need help sleeping. We were wrong. Eventually, we started Asha on another medication to help her sleep. This was a sedative called Acepromazine. This was supposed to knock her out. Well, we've come to realize that no drug works on Asha the way it is supposed to. She is the exception to every rule.

I researched this drug and got very concerned when I saw all kinds of info that said to never give this drug to a dog with seizure disorders. I spoke to both our regular vet and the behavioral vet about this and both assured me that there was no science to support those claims and they were totally comfortable using this drug.

We started Asha on the smallest dose. I was so worried about giving her this drug that I put her in bed between me and Trevor and watched her all night. The first night, she saw no difference in her sleep patterns, but she was more sedate in the morning when we got out of bed. The next night, we increased from one pill to two pills. I still had her in bed with us. She slept pretty good (not great), but she peed the bed in her sleep. That was very disruptive! The third night we increased
to three pills, the maximum dosage, there was no increase in how she slept and she again peed the bed.

I didn't like the way this sedative worked, it didn't take away her anxiety, it instead paralyzed her so that she couldn't express it. During the day, she showed signs of being groggy. I would take her to Petsmart to walk around and all her friends commented on how tired she seemed. We decided to back this drug down because it just wasn't working.

I found that giving her one pill, after she was almost asleep, helped her sleep almost all night long again without causing her to pee in her sleep. Her behavior during the day was not improving. We needed to look at other options.

We increased her phenobarbital doseage because her levels were testing low. Once we got them in normal range, her behavior hadn't changed, so we started thinking about different anxiety drugs.

We are currently in the process of switching Asha to a drug called Clomipramine. Its a tricyclic antidepressant. We just started her on that yesterday. It will take weeks to see if it will help.

As soon as we decreased Asha's dosage of Paroxetine, the one pill of Acepromazine at night made her pee in her sleep again. It amazes me how all these drugs work together. When you change one, it affects the effectiveness of the others. That is what we are seeing. So we are trying yet a different drug to help Asha sleep at night.

Clonazapm is in the same class of drugs as Valium. I like the idea of this better, it should relax Asha, not paralyze her. The minimum dose is one pills, maximum dose is three. We started with one, she didn't sleep that night. The next night we moved to two, she slept better, but still not good. Tonight we will try three and see what happens.

Insert big long sigh here. This is all so exhausting. Its trial and error. Since Asha does not respond to anything the way we expect, it makes it all even more difficult. We must wait 4-6 weeks on each drug to see its effectiveness. As I mentioned, when we change one thing it effects other things.

I have a found a wealth of knowledge online. Perhaps the best info I found was here:
http://dogaware.com/articles/wdjanxiety.html This woman details her trial and error with her dog Piglet. She finally found some relief and her dog lived to be 17 years old. This gives me hope. Seeing all the different drug options is overwhelming, but also gives me hope that if these things don't work, there are many more to try.

Through all of this, our little Asha seems to be the happiest, most well adjusted little dog. Sure, she doesn't sleep at night and she runs and barks during the day, but she loves to be with us and she loves to be out in public meeting people. She has lots of friends at the vet and petstore and she is totally her happiest when she is there. She is not afraid of anything.

The only thing that really makes me feel like we are doing okay by her is the comments we get from strangers. When we are out and Asha meets someone new and they comment on how happy Asha is, then I know that we are good parents.

I am not going to lie...its incredibly hard. There are days when I can't stand to be in my home because of the constant barking and running that dog does. I get so tired of chasing her around. I just want to lay on the couch with my dogs in peace and quiet. Right now, we don't get too much of that.

The thing that is really frustrating is that no matter how tired she is, she still won't sleep at night. There are days when she has been going all day and is totally exhausted, but her sleep patterns stay the same. I'll think "she has to sleep tonight", then at 2 am she wakes up to tell me that she is not tired anymore.

So the trial and error and continues. We have a team of people helping us. Trevor and I have each other. No one else can possibly understand what its like to live in our house right now. Sometimes we laugh about it, sometimes we are really mad. I don't cry about it anymore. I've given up thinking about how our lives used to be. We have Asha now and we have to find an answer.

I don't want to make it sound all bad. There are lots of days when things are pretty good, when we do have some peace and quiet. I want to bottle up those days, those moments and make them last.

Sometimes I get really mad at Asha and she can tell, but a minute later she comes and lays by me, rolling onto her back to show me her belly. Or she'll lick my face or put her head between my knees. I know she loves us and surely she must know how hard we are trying to help her.

Last week we took Asha to have her picture taken. A local photographer is doing a book on dogs with special needs. Asha was so amazing that day. She walked around the studio without any reservation, she checked things out and even took a little nap between takes. I love it when others get to see what a special girl she is. It makes me proud of all the time and effort we have invested into our youngest baby.

There is a reason she is in our lives and a reason we are in hers. Even though I hate how things are sometimes, I would never give her up. She's our family and we'll get through this. Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted.

Sleep? Please?

I love sleep. I have always been very proud of my ability to get quality sleep - anytime, anywhere. I would hear people talk about not being able to sleep and I always thought "how awful, glad I don't have THAT problem". A couple years ago, there was a house fire across the street from us in the middle of the night. Our bedroom was full of smoke and the lights from the firetrucks lit up the room....so I am told by Trevor. I slept through the entire thing. He thought I might be dead because only a dead person could sleep through that. But I did.

I was at great sleep up until the middle of this year. When this happened:
That is when the days of great sleep became history.

In the past six months, we've had some periods of pretty good sleep and right now are in a period of really awful sleep. By pretty good, I mean, we would be 6 straight hours. By pretty awful, I mean we are lucky to get 4 straight hours of sleep.

I am really starting to feel the effects of this sleep deprivation. As my friend Karen says, "sleep deprivation is the worst kind of torture".

I talk with people at our store all the time who aren't getting enough sleep and their bodies show the effects. I feel like Asha is our little experiment, because I now see all those effects that I cautioned people about. When you don't get enough sleep, it becomes difficult to lose weight, you crave carbohydrates, your body does not recover as well and you are at a higher risk for injury. I have all of those things going on right now and I hate it.

I hate myself for feeling the way that I do. I have been pretty hard on myself. I'm not sleeping and every afternoon I crave a long list of crappy foods. I usually give in and end up eating an entire bag of trail mix (or something like that). I feel awful after I'm done, but then I do it again the next day!

We still workout 6 days a week. I battled some pretty bad foot and back pain a couple months ago and I KNOW it was because I was pushing my body too hard. I wasn't recovering from my workouts, I wasn't sleeping good, I wasn't eating well enough to support my workouts and I was sleeping on the floor with Asha.

I have finally decided to give myself a break. My body is producing so much stress hormone from my lack of sleep that feeling this way and pushing myself only makes it worse. This morning on my run, I decided that I would run because I liked how it makes me feel instead of pushing to run a certain pace and feeling like a failure because I can't.

Trevor and I take turns getting up at night with Asha, but really, neither of us gets a night off. We are both usually awake. We've discussed taking turns sleeping in the guest room, but separate beds just isn't something I want. I feel like we are in this together and that wouldn't feel that way. Plus, when Asha jumps up into our bed, I want her to always be able to lay between us and feel the safety of our love.

Sometimes, at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 am, when Asha just won't lay back down, I get angry. I get angry at her, angry at the person who bred her, angry at the vets who haven't figured out her medicine yet, angry at the Universe because I just want to sleep. Sometimes I don't show Asha all the love I have for her when I make her go lay back down. Then I get into bed and feel badly about that. In the morning, when we get out of bed way earlier than I want to and we go downstairs, my anger always dissipates. I see this face: and nothing else matters.

Just like the other dogs, she is always SO happy to know that I am there with her. When I get home at night, she lays right down next to me and doesn't want to leave my side. She is happy. So very happy. Even in the middle of the night, when she isn't sleeping and I know she wants to be, she seems happy. When I make her lay back down, she'll lick my face. If we end up down on the couch after I let her out at 4:45, she'll lay her head on my lap and sigh.

This morning on my run, I was listening to my ipod and a song from the musical Rent was on - it said "525,600 minutes, how do you measure a year in the life - in daylight, in sunsets, in midnights and cups of coffee? measure in love" I thought about Asha and how we will measure a year - in sleepless nights, in damage to our house, trips to the vet, cost of medication? or will we measure it in love? I want to measure it in face licks, sighs of contentment, belly rubs and love.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to Asha if she didn't come live with us. I wonder if someone else would have loved her the way we do? There are so many dogs like her in dog heaven because they were the white ones. She is only alive because she was the furthest away from the man who drowned her brothers and sisters, his wife got to her before he did. We are working with team of vets to get this all figured out for all of us and so it has to get better.

I saw this a couple weeks ago and it really hit me.
Trevor and I have talked for years about starting a dog rescue. Asha has made us really move forward with that goal. Because of her, we've done a lot of research we would never have done, we've found all kinds of groups and opportunities that we would never have found. We see the things people are doing, big and small, and have finally said "what are we waiting for". Asha may having taken away my sleep (hopefully that is only temporary), but she has given me a focus and a desire to be involved in ways I never considered. She's also allowed me to open my eyes and see both the worst and best in the world. I want to do more, because every animal deserves to be loved the way ours are loved. No matter what challenges they face.

Okay, so now that I've learned all this...can I please just get a couple good nights of sleep in a row....like two year's worth?!!

My how she's grown

This was Asha the day we brought her home.

And this is her now....Even Maggie can't believe how big she has gotten!

My friend Mary and her mom

I have a friend named Mary. I have known Mary for 11 years now. We met back in December of 2000 through an Arc sponsored mentoring program. The Arc used to stand for Association of Retarded Citizens, now its just the Arc. The program matched people like me with a special needs adult. It was a way to help people like Mary get some much needed socialization.

The program manager thought that Mary and I would be a good match. Mary was 40 years old and loved sports. We went to her home, where she lived with her parents, for an initial meeting. Kind of like a first date, to see if she liked me and I liked her.

I didn't know what to expect. When we arrived Mary was sitting at the table. Her mother, Tessie, let us in and offered us coffee. Mary was very quiet, but I could tell she was excited.

Tessie proceeded to interrogate me as if I had been arrested for murder. I was really surprised by her intensity. There was no friendly banter, no breaking the ice, she just jumped right in. She wanted to know why someone like me would want to spend time with someone like Mary. She told me all about Mary's issues, all her quirks and told me that if I had a problem with Mary, not to come to her - Mary was an adult and any issues should be addressed to her. I remember my response "I don't call my other friends' moms with problems, why would I do that with Mary". After that, Tessie seemed to relax a bit, at least as far as questioning my intentions.

What followed next was so comical and a prelude to every conversation I would have with her after. She wanted to know if I was married, why I wasn't, if I planned to get married, why I lived with Trevor if we weren't married, how did I vote, what did I think of the current President, did I think that the less fortunate deserved to be helped, did I go to church, why not, was I raised with religion, then back to Trevor, why weren't we married. It was like being in front of a firing squad. She took in all my answers, turned them over in her mind as if to inspect them, but never told me she thought I was right or wrong. She was truly interested in what I thought about things.

I survived the first meeting and shortly after that, Mary and I went to a basketball game together. That was the start of our friendship. I have talked to Mary just about every single day since then. She calls all the time, just to say hi, usually only for a minute or two. We go to lunch for birthdays and holidays. We've been to baseball games, the mall to shop, coffee, movies and her favorite - basketball games. Every time I went to pick up Mary, her mother would meet me at the door and it was always the same thing - she wanted to know if I had plans yet to marry, what were we waiting for and what did I think of whatever issue was most recently in the news.

About six months after I met Mary, she had a birthday party at her house. She invited me and wanted me to bring Trevor. Trevor had never met Mary and I was a bit concerned about what Tessie was going to say to him. I told him to be prepared.

It was a small party, mostly family, a few friends. Mary introduced us to everyone. Then, Mary's mom sat down next to Trevor. She said to him, "there's no small talk here. Why haven't you asked her to marry you? Don't you want to marry her?" and so the conversation began. I think Trevor talked with Tessie about this most important issue for an hour. After that, conversation moved on to other things - the family sat around the table talking about real issues, politics and religion. They didn't all agree and yet they were so respectful of each other's point of view. I have never seen such a thing.

When it was time to leave, Mary's mother had some parting words for us. She clapped her hands and said "I want a wedding". This conversation and scene would be replayed for several years - anytime Trevor and I went to Mary's house. And we loved it.

When Trevor and I got engaged, I called Mary and she said "My mom will be happy". And boy was she happy. Tessie and Mary took me to lunch as a "wedding shower". Mary, her mom and her dad attended our wedding and I think Tessie was as proud as my parents.

Mary and I have had lots of adventures over the years. We are just like any other friends, sometimes we are in touch more than others. Mary is emotionally detached, but can tell you the details like no one else I've ever met. She gives a great play by play of every situation. Her mom has been sick for several years. I often get calls where Mary says "my mom is in the hospital" or "my mom isn't doing too good". She had emphysema. The last few times I have been to pick up Mary, her mom has been laying in bed. She always calls me into her room and wants to know how I think President Obama is doing and what about that gay marriage. And always, always, she wants to know if I have changed my mind about having babies. She had 10 of them in a 12 year period and cannot understand why I don't even want one. She has always been immensely proud of her family. Mary keeps me posted on what everyone is doing - all her siblings, their spouses, their children. She gets that from her mom, she mirrors her moms pride and focus on the family.

I could write a hundred stories about my friendship with Mary. Its lasted way longer than I ever could have imagined that first day in her kitchen and it certainly evolved differently than I would have expected. She's my friend, I expect she always will be.

On New Year's Eve, Mary called me at 9 pm and said "My mom is going to die tonight". She told me her whole family was there and her mom was ready. She wanted to know if I would come to the funeral. "of course". The next day, Mary called to tell me that her mother had passed away at 2:10 am with the entire family around her. Mary said everyone was crying and then she repeated some phrases that I am sure she heard the rest of the family saying. Things like "she's at peace", "she's not in pain anymore", "we miss her so much". Mary never really expresses her feelings, she simple states the facts. Again, she asked me to come to the funeral and then, as she does probably half of the time we talk, she said "I love you".

Mary's mom was relentless when it came to advocating for Mary. She often told the story of how Mary wasn't supposed to live very long and the doctors wanted to put her in an institution, but she said "No, Mary will have a good life with us". And Mary has had a great life, a full life. I expect she'll have much more of that, but her mother is gone and I know she doesn't full understand what that will mean for her.

At Tessie's funeral, I heard so many stories about her that match my stories. She was the same with everyone. "No small talk here." And best of all - no judgement. I will miss talking with Mary's mom when I got to pick her up. The family had asked that in lieu of flowers, we do something nice for someone else. What a fitting legacy. Rest in peace Tessie Moreland, your life was well lived and I feel honored to have known you.

Goals continued....

Last week, I posted my review of 2011 goals and new ones for 2012. They were all fitness related. You can read it here

I also have some goals for 2012 that are not fitness related and figured the best way to stay on track with those is put them down in black and white!

1. Replace my coffee addiction with green tea. I drink ALOT of coffee. 3 cups at home in the morning and a triple latte every single day. I got the most awesome latte maker for Christmas and I can make tea lattes with tea bags instead of coffee. I've been doing this for about a week and am really excited about the change. Green tea is supposed to be good for you - high in antioxidants, soothing, better for fat burning and disease prevention. Plus coffee is so acidic and with all my stomach issues, a switch is in order.

2. Eat sugar one time per week or less (most of the time). I am a sugar addict. I LOVE cookies, cake, candy, etc. If given the chance, I will (and do) eat it every day. All this sugar is just so bad for me and I know that. I can't perform at my best physically or mentally. The last couple months have been particularly bad. I'm not getting enough sleep and my body is craving sugar. I am going to break the cycle.

3. Take the necessary steps to establish a non-profit organization. Trevor and I have always said that our ultimate goal is to do something helping animals. We have decided over the last couple weeks that we want to help special needs animals, ones that are difficult to find homes for and may have no where else to go. The first step to doing that is to establish a vehicle with which to meet this need. By the end of 2012, we will be established and have helped at least one animal.

4. Budget. Enough said.

I am looking forward to the promise of a New Year.

Guest Holiday Blogger - Asha

Its been two months since my last guest post. I was just a kid back then - only 8 months old. On January 9th, I'll be 11 months old, almost to my first birthday! So much has been going on. My mom and dad have been working so hard to figure out what I need. Its been exhausting for all of us. We've had some ups and downs. We are all learning a lot!

My behavior has been all over the place. I would have some good days and then I would have some bad days. I have been taking medicine for the last several months and it was working, but not as well as everyone had hoped. About a month ago, my mom and my vet decided that I needed someone who specializes in cases like mine, you know....the difficult ones!

We were referred to a behavioral vet who could help us with my medication and my behavior. I was feeling much better from the medicine I was on, but it just wasn't quite right and we all knew it.

We went to visit with him last week and it was great. He was so nice to me! He and my mom went over all my history and came up with a plan for moving forward. My mom and dad sure have a lot of work to do! They have changed some things and I bet at some point I'll start to respond to those changes, right now I am still trying to figure out what the heck is going on!

They took me off my old medicine. I was supposed to get it all out of my system before I started a new medicine. I guess I never realized how much that medicine was helping me. When I stopped taking it, I felt totally out of control. All I wanted was to get upstairs and tear things up. Two days in a row I did just that. It was awful. Then the vet said to start me on my new medicine. I've been on that for about 4 days now and I am definetly starting to feel better. I sure hope that continues. Once I've been on this medicine for a while, my new vet is going to consider adding some other medicines to help me. I have a hard time controlling myself, I get really worked up, anxious and I can't stop running and barking.

Maggie and I have really had our ups and downs. Last time I posted, we had worked it all out. Shortly after that, some new issues cropped up. Maggie sure gets mad at me sometimes. For a while, I was apprehensive around her and I didn't want to play with her because I could never tell when she had enough of me. Mom and Dad really worked hard on that and now Maggie and I are back on speaking terms. I like to play with her and she lets me. Mom and Dad say that we need to keep an eye on it, so that's what they are going to do.

My vet's office is located inside the local pet store. My mom takes me over to the pet store several nights a week. We walk around and I check things out - I like to smell all the new smells. Plus I really like the dog food aisle and the fish tanks. Someday I'd like to have my own fish. Mom says maybe when I get a little older, I'm not responsible enough yet. Anyway, I really like all the girls who work at the vet and so when we go to the pet store, I walk right over to the vets office and hop up on the scale. My favorite person there is named Angel. She usually is at the front counter, so I jump up on the scale and look for her. I can tell if she is working that day or not. I like how she smells. She is my best human friend, other than my mom and dad. I LOVE her and she loves me. When I find her, I go nuts and she gives me lots of pets and loves. When my mom makes me leave her, I always bite my mom's heels and say "I don't wanna go!" I meet lots of new people there and the employees are really nice to me. I get at least one belly rub every time I am there. My mom likes it because it tires me out and it makes me happy. She loves to see how happy I am and how much I like people. New people can't even tell that I am deaf and blind. Mom says that I walk around like I own the place!!

I have had some really good days where I really feel in control. Days where I don't need to run and bark. I can lay down in the kitchen and just relax or wander around downstairs like the other dogs. I've also slept through the night several times. Then, I have some really bad days where I feel totally out of control, I run and bark and am restless at night. I know my new vet is going to help us with this. I just know it. I feel like I have more good days than bad days and most of the time I feel really happy. I smile alot.


Last night my mom helped me do my Christmas Shopping. Every night when we are wandering the aisles at the pet store, the employees ask if they can help us find anything and I always say "we're just looking", but last night I was ready to buy. I got gifts for all the dogs and cats in my home because I love them. Its our first Christmas together and I want to do it right. I also bought something nice for myself too - my mom says that's what you are supposed to do at Christmas.

We don't have a Christmas tree at our house. That's probably for the best, I think I would destroy it. I hope that some day we can have a tree and I'll help decorate it.

This is how I spent most of my day... Mom usually comes home and finds me like this. It takes me a couple minutes, but I somehow realize that she's home, I jump up and I run through the house with my nose in the air following her scent until I find her. That's the best part of my day....until dad comes home. I know when he walks in the door and I go running to find him too.

I am still a puppy and I do all kinds of puppy things. Soon enough I will be grown up and my puppy days will be behind me. I love my life. I struggle sometimes, but Buster told me that's how it is for everyone. I guess these are things I'l learn as I grow. Everyone tells me how lucky I am, but I already know that. I know that I have found my forever home and I don't even remember it any other way.