We Live For Crazy

love

2012-02-16T14:50:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine found a blog and sent it to me. Its called Enjoying the small things. Its written by a young woman who's second daughter was born with down syndrome. It is amazingly beautiful and touching. Here is the link that my friend sent me. Its the birth story of Nella, the daughter with down syndrome and I sobbed when I read it. This may sound silly, but it reminded me so much of Asha. One line in particular...

Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me.

Every time I read that, all I want to do is hold Asha close to me, tell her that I love her and be sure that she knows it. She is not what we expected, but she wants to be loved. She needs to be loved. And, oh, how we love her.

She makes us crazy, she's turned our lives upside down and she has tested my patience. But we love her. There are times when I think of how life would be if she had never come to live with us. I only think of how it would be for us. I try not to think about how it would have been for her.

When I am exhausted and just want to relax and she is running and barking, I look at Buster and Maggie. I see them fast asleep on the couch and can't help but think how quiet it would be if was just them. But its not just them, Asha, our little problem child, is part of our family and we are all in this together.

It never fails that soon after these thoughts cross my mind, Asha will come over and lean against me or look me right in the face with those blind eyes and there nothing I would change about that moment....Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me.

Don't worry sweet baby....we do love you.

Trial and Error

2012-02-11T15:14:00.000-08:00

It seems like most of my posts lately are about Asha, that's because our lives are consumed with helping her find her place in the world. Mostly, we are working to find the right combination of drugs that will allow all of us to live a more peaceful life.

Asha has been a part of our family for 7 months now. The first several weeks she lived with us, she behaved like a puppy - getting into things, whining and finding her voice. After she started having seizures, she changed. I think back to things that happened around that time and often wonder what caused the change in her behavior. After the seizures, she started to be anxious all the time, she developed some obsessive compulsive behaviors and her running and barking got totally out of control.

She started taking phenobarbital and that stopped the seizures, but all her other behavior issues continued. She started having a problem sleeping at night. I slept on the floor with her for almost a month. I remember I brought her to work with me one day and she barked ALL day long. The vet from the office next door came over and talked to me about anxiety drugs. I remember I was so offended...I wasn't going to drug my dog. In fact, I told him that it was unusual behavior. Well...it became usual and drugs have been the only things that have saved us.

After I had been sleeping on the floor for a month, one night Asha was so anxious that I thought she would have a heart attack. That went on for a few nights and I finally asked our vet for something to help with that. There began our journey to find the right drug for Asha. Here's how its gone....

Asha takes phenobarbital for her seizures. We've controlled them with a very low dosage - she takes 1 grain (60 mgs) 2 times per day.

Our vet prescribed Reconcile, basically prozac for dogs. this class of drugs is a Selective Serotonine Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI). This was somewhat effective. Asha was able to sleep for about 6 hours per night. She was able to fall asleep without anxiety. It did not, however, help with the running and barking, nor did it help with her destructiveness while left home alone. The only side effect Asha exhibited from this drug was diarrhea. That became constant and we didn't like that.

After about 6 weeks, we were still struggling with Asha's behavior. I started doing some more research, I joined a lethal white forum and saw lots of information about dogs with similar issues as Asha. Many people stressed that I should find a behavioral vet right away so that Asha's habits didn't become impossible to break. I searched and found one such vet in the Portland area. I talked with my vet about changing Asha's medication. As if reading my mind, she said that this was really out of her realm and asked if I would consider going to a behaviorist. She was going to refer me to the vet I had found.

I was very encouraged and hopeful. Behavioral vets work with both drugs and behavior modification. We had a trainer coming to the house every week to help us, so we were already working on that and I looked forward to more help.

Two weeks later, we had our appt with the vet and he made some changes to Asha's medication. We weaned her off the Reconcile and started her on a drug called Paroxetine (Paxil) - a different SSRI drug. While weaning her off the reconcile, I realized just how effective it had been. She went crazy during that time and as soon as we started her on the Paroxetine, she calmed down a bit.

Asha's diarrhea stopped when we switched her off the Reconcile. However, she started having a difficult time sleeping at night. Her usual 6 hours of sleep went down to 3 or 4. This was the hardest time for us. We were getting no sleep and it was exhausting. Night time restlessness can be a side effect of the Paroxetine.

We were prescribed a drug to help her sleep at night - Trazodone. This was a disaster. It had exactly the opposite effect - it made Asha not sleep. We started with the smallest dosage and increased it over three nights. By the third night she wasn't sleeping at all. She was fighting the effects of the drug, moaning and groaning, fighting to stay awake. We decided to stop that immediately.

We were hopeful that her transition to the Paroxetine was over and that she wouldn't need help sleeping. We were wrong. Eventually, we started Asha on another medication to help her sleep. This was a sedative called Acepromazine. This was supposed to knock her out. Well, we've come to realize that no drug works on Asha the way it is supposed to. She is the exception to every rule.

I researched this drug and got very concerned when I saw all kinds of info that said to never give this drug to a dog with seizure disorders. I spoke to both our regular vet and the behavioral vet about this and both assured me that there was no science to support those claims and they were totally comfortable using this drug.

We started Asha on the smallest dose. I was so worried about giving her this drug that I put her in bed between me and Trevor and watched her all night. The first night, she saw no difference in her sleep patterns, but she was more sedate in the morning when we got out of bed. The next night, we increased from one pill to two pills. I still had her in bed with us. She slept pretty good (not great), but she peed the bed in her sleep. That was very disruptive! The third night we increased
to three pills, the maximum dosage, there was no increase in how she slept and she again peed the bed.

I didn't like the way this sedative worked, it didn't take away her anxiety, it instead paralyzed her so that she couldn't express it. During the day, she showed signs of being groggy. I would take her to Petsmart to walk around and all her friends commented on how tired she seemed. We decided to back this drug down because it just wasn't working.

I found that giving her one pill, after she was almost asleep, helped her sleep almost all night long again without causing her to pee in her sleep. Her behavior during the day was not improving. We needed to look at other options.

We increased her phenobarbital doseage because her levels were testing low. Once we got them in normal range, her behavior hadn't changed, so we started thinking about different anxiety drugs.

We are currently in the process of switching Asha to a drug called Clomipramine. Its a tricyclic antidepressant. We just started her on that yesterday. It will take weeks to see if it will help.

As soon as we decreased Asha's dosage of Paroxetine, the one pill of Acepromazine at night made her pee in her sleep again. It amazes me how all these drugs work together. When you change one, it affects the effectiveness of the others. That is what we are seeing. So we are trying yet a different drug to help Asha sleep at night.

Clonazapm is in the same class of drugs as Valium. I like the idea of this better, it should relax Asha, not paralyze her. The minimum dose is one pills, maximum dose is three. We started with one, she didn't sleep that night. The next night we moved to two, she slept better, but still not good. Tonight we will try three and see what happens.

Insert big long sigh here. This is all so exhausting. Its trial and error. Since Asha does not respond to anything the way we expect, it makes it all even more difficult. We must wait 4-6 weeks on each drug to see its effectiveness. As I mentioned, when we change one thing it effects other things.

I have a found a wealth of knowledge online. Perhaps the best info I found was here:
http://dogaware.com/articles/wdjanxiety.html This woman details her trial and error with her dog Piglet. She finally found some relief and her dog lived to be 17 years old. This gives me hope. Seeing all the different drug options is overwhelming, but also gives me hope that if these things don't work, there are many more to try.

Through all of this, our little Asha seems to be the happiest, most well adjusted little dog. Sure, she doesn't sleep at night and she runs and barks during the day, but she loves to be with us and she loves to be out in public meeting people. She has lots of friends at the vet and petstore and she is totally her happiest when she is there. She is not afraid of anything.

The only thing that really makes me feel like we are doing okay by her is the comments we get from strangers. When we are out and Asha meets someone new and they comment on how happy Asha is, then I know that we are good parents.

I am not going to lie...its incredibly hard. There are days when I can't stand to be in my home because of the constant barking and running that dog does. I get so tired of chasing her around. I just want to lay on the couch with my dogs in peace and quiet. Right now, we don't get too much of that.

The thing that is really frustrating is that no matter how tired she is, she still won't sleep at night. There are days when she has been going all day and is totally exhausted, but her sleep patterns stay the same. I'll think "she has to sleep tonight", then at 2 am she wakes up to tell me that she is not tired anymore.

So the trial and error and continues. We have a team of people helping us. Trevor and I have each other. No one else can possibly understand what its like to live in our house right now. Sometimes we laugh about it, sometimes we are really mad. I don't cry about it anymore. I've given up thinking about how our lives used to be. We have Asha now and we have to find an answer.

I don't want to make it sound all bad. There are lots of days when things are pretty good, when we do have some peace and quiet. I want to bottle up those days, those moments and make them last.

Sometimes I get really mad at Asha and she can tell, but a minute later she comes and lays by me, rolling onto her back to show me her belly. Or she'll lick my face or put her head between my knees. I know she loves us and surely she must know how hard we are trying to help her.

Last week we took Asha to have her picture taken. A local photographer is doing a book on dogs with special needs. Asha was so amazing that day. She walked around the studio without any reservation, she checked things out and even took a little nap between takes. I love it when others get to see what a special girl she is. It makes me proud of all the time and effort we have invested into our youngest baby.

There is a reason she is in our lives and a reason we are in hers. Even though I hate how things are sometimes, I would never give her up. She's our family and we'll get through this. Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted.

Sleep? Please?

2012-01-14T12:36:00.000-08:00

I love sleep. I have always been very proud of my ability to get quality sleep - anytime, anywhere. I would hear people talk about not being able to sleep and I always thought "how awful, glad I don't have THAT problem". A couple years ago, there was a house fire across the street from us in the middle of the night. Our bedroom was full of smoke and the lights from the firetrucks lit up the room....so I am told by Trevor. I slept through the entire thing. He thought I might be dead because only a dead person could sleep through that. But I did.

I was at great sleep up until the middle of this year. When this happened:
That is when the days of great sleep became history.

In the past six months, we've had some periods of pretty good sleep and right now are in a period of really awful sleep. By pretty good, I mean, we would be 6 straight hours. By pretty awful, I mean we are lucky to get 4 straight hours of sleep.

I am really starting to feel the effects of this sleep deprivation. As my friend Karen says, "sleep deprivation is the worst kind of torture".

I talk with people at our store all the time who aren't getting enough sleep and their bodies show the effects. I feel like Asha is our little experiment, because I now see all those effects that I cautioned people about. When you don't get enough sleep, it becomes difficult to lose weight, you crave carbohydrates, your body does not recover as well and you are at a higher risk for injury. I have all of those things going on right now and I hate it.

I hate myself for feeling the way that I do. I have been pretty hard on myself. I'm not sleeping and every afternoon I crave a long list of crappy foods. I usually give in and end up eating an entire bag of trail mix (or something like that). I feel awful after I'm done, but then I do it again the next day!

We still workout 6 days a week. I battled some pretty bad foot and back pain a couple months ago and I KNOW it was because I was pushing my body too hard. I wasn't recovering from my workouts, I wasn't sleeping good, I wasn't eating well enough to support my workouts and I was sleeping on the floor with Asha.

I have finally decided to give myself a break. My body is producing so much stress hormone from my lack of sleep that feeling this way and pushing myself only makes it worse. This morning on my run, I decided that I would run because I liked how it makes me feel instead of pushing to run a certain pace and feeling like a failure because I can't.

Trevor and I take turns getting up at night with Asha, but really, neither of us gets a night off. We are both usually awake. We've discussed taking turns sleeping in the guest room, but separate beds just isn't something I want. I feel like we are in this together and that wouldn't feel that way. Plus, when Asha jumps up into our bed, I want her to always be able to lay between us and feel the safety of our love.

Sometimes, at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 am, when Asha just won't lay back down, I get angry. I get angry at her, angry at the person who bred her, angry at the vets who haven't figured out her medicine yet, angry at the Universe because I just want to sleep. Sometimes I don't show Asha all the love I have for her when I make her go lay back down. Then I get into bed and feel badly about that. In the morning, when we get out of bed way earlier than I want to and we go downstairs, my anger always dissipates. I see this face: and nothing else matters.

Just like the other dogs, she is always SO happy to know that I am there with her. When I get home at night, she lays right down next to me and doesn't want to leave my side. She is happy. So very happy. Even in the middle of the night, when she isn't sleeping and I know she wants to be, she seems happy. When I make her lay back down, she'll lick my face. If we end up down on the couch after I let her out at 4:45, she'll lay her head on my lap and sigh.

This morning on my run, I was listening to my ipod and a song from the musical Rent was on - it said "525,600 minutes, how do you measure a year in the life - in daylight, in sunsets, in midnights and cups of coffee? measure in love" I thought about Asha and how we will measure a year - in sleepless nights, in damage to our house, trips to the vet, cost of medication? or will we measure it in love? I want to measure it in face licks, sighs of contentment, belly rubs and love.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to Asha if she didn't come live with us. I wonder if someone else would have loved her the way we do? There are so many dogs like her in dog heaven because they were the white ones. She is only alive because she was the furthest away from the man who drowned her brothers and sisters, his wife got to her before he did. We are working with team of vets to get this all figured out for all of us and so it has to get better.

I saw this a couple weeks ago and it really hit me.
Trevor and I have talked for years about starting a dog rescue. Asha has made us really move forward with that goal. Because of her, we've done a lot of research we would never have done, we've found all kinds of groups and opportunities that we would never have found. We see the things people are doing, big and small, and have finally said "what are we waiting for". Asha may having taken away my sleep (hopefully that is only temporary), but she has given me a focus and a desire to be involved in ways I never considered. She's also allowed me to open my eyes and see both the worst and best in the world. I want to do more, because every animal deserves to be loved the way ours are loved. No matter what challenges they face.

Okay, so now that I've learned all this...can I please just get a couple good nights of sleep in a row....like two year's worth?!!

My how she's grown

2012-01-12T17:29:00.001-08:00

This was Asha the day we brought her home.

And this is her now....Even Maggie can't believe how big she has gotten!

My friend Mary and her mom

2012-01-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

I have a friend named Mary. I have known Mary for 11 years now. We met back in December of 2000 through an Arc sponsored mentoring program. The Arc used to stand for Association of Retarded Citizens, now its just the Arc. The program matched people like me with a special needs adult. It was a way to help people like Mary get some much needed socialization.

The program manager thought that Mary and I would be a good match. Mary was 40 years old and loved sports. We went to her home, where she lived with her parents, for an initial meeting. Kind of like a first date, to see if she liked me and I liked her.

I didn't know what to expect. When we arrived Mary was sitting at the table. Her mother, Tessie, let us in and offered us coffee. Mary was very quiet, but I could tell she was excited.

Tessie proceeded to interrogate me as if I had been arrested for murder. I was really surprised by her intensity. There was no friendly banter, no breaking the ice, she just jumped right in. She wanted to know why someone like me would want to spend time with someone like Mary. She told me all about Mary's issues, all her quirks and told me that if I had a problem with Mary, not to come to her - Mary was an adult and any issues should be addressed to her. I remember my response "I don't call my other friends' moms with problems, why would I do that with Mary". After that, Tessie seemed to relax a bit, at least as far as questioning my intentions.

What followed next was so comical and a prelude to every conversation I would have with her after. She wanted to know if I was married, why I wasn't, if I planned to get married, why I lived with Trevor if we weren't married, how did I vote, what did I think of the current President, did I think that the less fortunate deserved to be helped, did I go to church, why not, was I raised with religion, then back to Trevor, why weren't we married. It was like being in front of a firing squad. She took in all my answers, turned them over in her mind as if to inspect them, but never told me she thought I was right or wrong. She was truly interested in what I thought about things.

I survived the first meeting and shortly after that, Mary and I went to a basketball game together. That was the start of our friendship. I have talked to Mary just about every single day since then. She calls all the time, just to say hi, usually only for a minute or two. We go to lunch for birthdays and holidays. We've been to baseball games, the mall to shop, coffee, movies and her favorite - basketball games. Every time I went to pick up Mary, her mother would meet me at the door and it was always the same thing - she wanted to know if I had plans yet to marry, what were we waiting for and what did I think of whatever issue was most recently in the news.

About six months after I met Mary, she had a birthday party at her house. She invited me and wanted me to bring Trevor. Trevor had never met Mary and I was a bit concerned about what Tessie was going to say to him. I told him to be prepared.

It was a small party, mostly family, a few friends. Mary introduced us to everyone. Then, Mary's mom sat down next to Trevor. She said to him, "there's no small talk here. Why haven't you asked her to marry you? Don't you want to marry her?" and so the conversation began. I think Trevor talked with Tessie about this most important issue for an hour. After that, conversation moved on to other things - the family sat around the table talking about real issues, politics and religion. They didn't all agree and yet they were so respectful of each other's point of view. I have never seen such a thing.

When it was time to leave, Mary's mother had some parting words for us. She clapped her hands and said "I want a wedding". This conversation and scene would be replayed for several years - anytime Trevor and I went to Mary's house. And we loved it.

When Trevor and I got engaged, I called Mary and she said "My mom will be happy". And boy was she happy. Tessie and Mary took me to lunch as a "wedding shower". Mary, her mom and her dad attended our wedding and I think Tessie was as proud as my parents.

Mary and I have had lots of adventures over the years. We are just like any other friends, sometimes we are in touch more than others. Mary is emotionally detached, but can tell you the details like no one else I've ever met. She gives a great play by play of every situation. Her mom has been sick for several years. I often get calls where Mary says "my mom is in the hospital" or "my mom isn't doing too good". She had emphysema. The last few times I have been to pick up Mary, her mom has been laying in bed. She always calls me into her room and wants to know how I think President Obama is doing and what about that gay marriage. And always, always, she wants to know if I have changed my mind about having babies. She had 10 of them in a 12 year period and cannot understand why I don't even want one. She has always been immensely proud of her family. Mary keeps me posted on what everyone is doing - all her siblings, their spouses, their children. She gets that from her mom, she mirrors her moms pride and focus on the family.

I could write a hundred stories about my friendship with Mary. Its lasted way longer than I ever could have imagined that first day in her kitchen and it certainly evolved differently than I would have expected. She's my friend, I expect she always will be.

On New Year's Eve, Mary called me at 9 pm and said "My mom is going to die tonight". She told me her whole family was there and her mom was ready. She wanted to know if I would come to the funeral. "of course". The next day, Mary called to tell me that her mother had passed away at 2:10 am with the entire family around her. Mary said everyone was crying and then she repeated some phrases that I am sure she heard the rest of the family saying. Things like "she's at peace", "she's not in pain anymore", "we miss her so much". Mary never really expresses her feelings, she simple states the facts. Again, she asked me to come to the funeral and then, as she does probably half of the time we talk, she said "I love you".

Mary's mom was relentless when it came to advocating for Mary. She often told the story of how Mary wasn't supposed to live very long and the doctors wanted to put her in an institution, but she said "No, Mary will have a good life with us". And Mary has had a great life, a full life. I expect she'll have much more of that, but her mother is gone and I know she doesn't full understand what that will mean for her.

At Tessie's funeral, I heard so many stories about her that match my stories. She was the same with everyone. "No small talk here." And best of all - no judgement. I will miss talking with Mary's mom when I got to pick her up. The family had asked that in lieu of flowers, we do something nice for someone else. What a fitting legacy. Rest in peace Tessie Moreland, your life was well lived and I feel honored to have known you.

Goals continued....

2011-12-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

Last week, I posted my review of 2011 goals and new ones for 2012. They were all fitness related. You can read it here

I also have some goals for 2012 that are not fitness related and figured the best way to stay on track with those is put them down in black and white!

1. Replace my coffee addiction with green tea. I drink ALOT of coffee. 3 cups at home in the morning and a triple latte every single day. I got the most awesome latte maker for Christmas and I can make tea lattes with tea bags instead of coffee. I've been doing this for about a week and am really excited about the change. Green tea is supposed to be good for you - high in antioxidants, soothing, better for fat burning and disease prevention. Plus coffee is so acidic and with all my stomach issues, a switch is in order.

2. Eat sugar one time per week or less (most of the time). I am a sugar addict. I LOVE cookies, cake, candy, etc. If given the chance, I will (and do) eat it every day. All this sugar is just so bad for me and I know that. I can't perform at my best physically or mentally. The last couple months have been particularly bad. I'm not getting enough sleep and my body is craving sugar. I am going to break the cycle.

3. Take the necessary steps to establish a non-profit organization. Trevor and I have always said that our ultimate goal is to do something helping animals. We have decided over the last couple weeks that we want to help special needs animals, ones that are difficult to find homes for and may have no where else to go. The first step to doing that is to establish a vehicle with which to meet this need. By the end of 2012, we will be established and have helped at least one animal.

4. Budget. Enough said.

I am looking forward to the promise of a New Year.

Guest Holiday Blogger - Asha

2011-12-23T14:32:00.000-08:00

Its been two months since my last guest post. I was just a kid back then - only 8 months old. On January 9th, I'll be 11 months old, almost to my first birthday! So much has been going on. My mom and dad have been working so hard to figure out what I need. Its been exhausting for all of us. We've had some ups and downs. We are all learning a lot!

My behavior has been all over the place. I would have some good days and then I would have some bad days. I have been taking medicine for the last several months and it was working, but not as well as everyone had hoped. About a month ago, my mom and my vet decided that I needed someone who specializes in cases like mine, you know....the difficult ones!

We were referred to a behavioral vet who could help us with my medication and my behavior. I was feeling much better from the medicine I was on, but it just wasn't quite right and we all knew it.

We went to visit with him last week and it was great. He was so nice to me! He and my mom went over all my history and came up with a plan for moving forward. My mom and dad sure have a lot of work to do! They have changed some things and I bet at some point I'll start to respond to those changes, right now I am still trying to figure out what the heck is going on!

They took me off my old medicine. I was supposed to get it all out of my system before I started a new medicine. I guess I never realized how much that medicine was helping me. When I stopped taking it, I felt totally out of control. All I wanted was to get upstairs and tear things up. Two days in a row I did just that. It was awful. Then the vet said to start me on my new medicine. I've been on that for about 4 days now and I am definetly starting to feel better. I sure hope that continues. Once I've been on this medicine for a while, my new vet is going to consider adding some other medicines to help me. I have a hard time controlling myself, I get really worked up, anxious and I can't stop running and barking.

Maggie and I have really had our ups and downs. Last time I posted, we had worked it all out. Shortly after that, some new issues cropped up. Maggie sure gets mad at me sometimes. For a while, I was apprehensive around her and I didn't want to play with her because I could never tell when she had enough of me. Mom and Dad really worked hard on that and now Maggie and I are back on speaking terms. I like to play with her and she lets me. Mom and Dad say that we need to keep an eye on it, so that's what they are going to do.

My vet's office is located inside the local pet store. My mom takes me over to the pet store several nights a week. We walk around and I check things out - I like to smell all the new smells. Plus I really like the dog food aisle and the fish tanks. Someday I'd like to have my own fish. Mom says maybe when I get a little older, I'm not responsible enough yet. Anyway, I really like all the girls who work at the vet and so when we go to the pet store, I walk right over to the vets office and hop up on the scale. My favorite person there is named Angel. She usually is at the front counter, so I jump up on the scale and look for her. I can tell if she is working that day or not. I like how she smells. She is my best human friend, other than my mom and dad. I LOVE her and she loves me. When I find her, I go nuts and she gives me lots of pets and loves. When my mom makes me leave her, I always bite my mom's heels and say "I don't wanna go!" I meet lots of new people there and the employees are really nice to me. I get at least one belly rub every time I am there. My mom likes it because it tires me out and it makes me happy. She loves to see how happy I am and how much I like people. New people can't even tell that I am deaf and blind. Mom says that I walk around like I own the place!!

I have had some really good days where I really feel in control. Days where I don't need to run and bark. I can lay down in the kitchen and just relax or wander around downstairs like the other dogs. I've also slept through the night several times. Then, I have some really bad days where I feel totally out of control, I run and bark and am restless at night. I know my new vet is going to help us with this. I just know it. I feel like I have more good days than bad days and most of the time I feel really happy. I smile alot.

Last night my mom helped me do my Christmas Shopping. Every night when we are wandering the aisles at the pet store, the employees ask if they can help us find anything and I always say "we're just looking", but last night I was ready to buy. I got gifts for all the dogs and cats in my home because I love them. Its our first Christmas together and I want to do it right. I also bought something nice for myself too - my mom says that's what you are supposed to do at Christmas.

We don't have a Christmas tree at our house. That's probably for the best, I think I would destroy it. I hope that some day we can have a tree and I'll help decorate it.

This is how I spent most of my day... Mom usually comes home and finds me like this. It takes me a couple minutes, but I somehow realize that she's home, I jump up and I run through the house with my nose in the air following her scent until I find her. That's the best part of my day....until dad comes home. I know when he walks in the door and I go running to find him too.

I am still a puppy and I do all kinds of puppy things. Soon enough I will be grown up and my puppy days will be behind me. I love my life. I struggle sometimes, but Buster told me that's how it is for everyone. I guess these are things I'l learn as I grow. Everyone tells me how lucky I am, but I already know that. I know that I have found my forever home and I don't even remember it any other way.

What about the cats???

2011-12-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

You know. not only do we have three dogs, but we also have THREE CATS!!!!

The cats live upstairs, they have their own floor. The dogs stay downstairs except at bedtime. We started this division back when we just had Gus the cat, Opal and Wookie the dogs. Opal was not a cat kind of dog, so it was best to keep them seperate. Everyone seemed to like this set up, so we've kept with us.

Norwyn (aka Tuna), Daisy and Roxie (aka Baby) are our sweet kitties. We workout upstairs and they do that with us, they also spend time with us while we get ready for the day and when we sleep. Their favorite time is when we are in bed. They love to snuggle. Every night we sleep with all three cats on the bed. Tuna lays to my right, Daisy lays in my pillow and Baby lays either between us against Trevor or on his left. Every. Night. Then around 3 am, Asha jumps on the bed and joins in the slumber party. I would not have it any other way.

Daisy is the bridge between the old pets and the new pets. She is the only animal who has known every pet we've ever had. We got her 6 years ago and she is now 15. We figure she'll live to be 20! We hope she'll live to be 20. She is such a dream - never a problem, loves all the other animals.

Tuna is a bully. He found us. He was a stray who decided he wanted to live with us, then he realized we had other cats and he's never fully gotten over that surprise. He torments Baby, we've finally started to keep them seperate so she can have some peace!

Baby is about 3 now, but she'll always be our baby. She was a stray kitten and we decided she should live with us. That was when she was about 6 months old. Just a baby.

We love these cats, I don't post about that often, but that does not mean that I don't love them with all my heart. I really try to give them as much attention as I can. They don't get to sit on the couch with us - the dogs would chomp them, but they know they are loved and well taken care of. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night, I'll reach out and touch all three of them and they all start to purr. That is music to my ears.

2011 Year in Review

2011-12-21T17:29:00.000-08:00

I must be getting older because time just seems to keep increasing in speed. I do not know where it goes, it seems there is always something to look forward too and that makes the time go even faster. The hours go slow by the years fly by!!

Here are the highlights of 2011...

January:

I had a marathon PR to set this year and my training starting in January. There were some long runs in the cold. Lots of long, dark, lonely miles.

February:

I turned 37 on February 26th. On February 27th we held the 2nd annual Max Muscle Vancouver Half Marathon. It was SO cold that day. We grew the event this year and look forward to growing even more in 2012.

March:

We realized that our dog Opal was taking a turn for the worst and going downhill fast. In 2010, we lost our dog Wookie and our cat Gus to cancer. We were heartbroken to think that we would lose Opal too. So began the long talks about heaven and the 24 hour a day watch for any changes that could signal improvement. Those signs never came.

April: Running, running and more running. I also found the joys of the running skirt. Never thought I'd like it and was shocked when I realized that I did.

May:

I had a personal best marathon on May 1st - 4 hours and 23 minutes. Many said I couldn't do it. But I did. We went to Eugene that weekend. We were gone for one night. When we left, Opal was still able to use her back legs just a little, when we returned, she never walked again. On May 23rd, it was finally time to say goodbye. After three weeks of helping her walk and carrying her when she needed it, she told us she was ready to be with Gus and Wookie. This was devastating to us. We miss her terribly and her absence made us miss the other two even more.

June:

Our triathlon training kicked into high gear. We did lots of running, biking and swimming.

This was also the month of the Vancouver USA Marathon. I was the volunteer coordinator and that took up much of my time during the month.

July:

The Rev3 Half Ironman Triathlon was July 9th. I had a personal best time there at 6 hours and 23 minutes. Afterwards, we drove to the Humane Society where we picked up Asha, a 5 month old deaf/blind puppy who would forever change our world.

August:

Trevor and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. Impossible to believe.

September:

Exhausted from the addition of Asha to our household, I spent most of this month sleeping on the floor with her at night to keep her calm.

We also had our second annual Triathlon and this year added a Duathlon. The event was a success and we look forward to doing it all again in 2012.

October:

The highlight of my year was a weekend trip in October to visit my Grammie in Florida. I love her so very much and being around her just makes me feel good. I need a dose of her and I sure got it!

November:

Thanksgiving - my parents came to visit for the first time in three years. They got to meet all the pets and we had a great time!

December:

Here we are, the end of another year. Time to reflect and look forward. Its been a year full of highs and lows - just like every other year. I am so grateful for all that I have and in 2012 really want to focus on all the blessings in my life. Its so easy to get bogged down in the crap. On that note. Happy New Year. Hopefully 2012 will be the best year yet!

Goals 2011 status report and 2012 details

2011-12-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

2011 is quickly coming to an end. I feel like I just got used to writing 2011 on my bank deposit slips and now I have to remember to write 2012! This has been a crazy year (aren't they all?) Its time to look back and see how I did on my goals for this year. Its also time to write down some goals for next year. Let's start with 2011...how did it shape up???

Here were my goals - the bold is how I did.
1. Increase my speed. I want this to be the year of the sub-5 hour marathon. I start training in January for that. I would also like to complete at least one Half Iron distance triathlon in under 7 hours, dare I say - under 6:30.
Speed was the theme of this year and I am thrilled to say that I achieved goal #1. I completed the Eugene Marathon in 4 hours and 23 minutes. My previous best time was 5 hours and 4 minutes. Going into this race, people told me that it couldn't be done - that type of improvement was impossible. A woman at breakfast on race day told Trevor that I couldn't do it. Obviously, she didn't know me. I was so very proud of myself on this one.
In July, I finished the Rev3 Half Ironman in 6 hours and 23 minutes - previous best time was 7 hours and 4 minutes.
Look for more speed goals in 2012. Now that I have started to push myself, I am excited to see how much more I can do.

2. I really want to work on my swimming. I want the fear and anxiety to lessen this year. I completed the Ironman swim this year. I have that on my swimming resume now. I really want that to help, I want to draw on that accomplishment when I am feeling scared or anxious. I know that I will speed up if I calm down.
This may have been my biggest accomplishment of 2011. In every triathlon we did this year, I was able to stay calm and enjoy the swim. I didn't lay awake at night worried about it. I was able to converse with others in the hours leading up to the swim start. I didn't feel sick to my stomach or scared to death. This year I decided to stop letting the swim control me. Rev3 Portland Half Ironman was the most physical swim I've been in. I was swam over and also had my goggles come off my head when I was kicked by someone. I had to stop for a few minutes and tread water while I got them back on. I was able to remain calm through all of it. What a difference that makes in the grand scheme of things. The day goes much better when I don't waste so much energy worrying about the swim!

3. I want to win my age group at the Girls and Dudes Triathlon in July. Last year I came in second, by 10 seconds. This year I want to win.
Damnit. I came in 2nd again this year - only it was by 3 minutes this time instead of 10 seconds. I raced this event harder than any other. I ran great off the bike - 8:30 miles. I felt really strong. I think the competition keeps getting tougher....we'll see what happens next year!

4. I want to end 2011 with the same feeling of accomplishment I have at the end of 2010.
I feel pretty good about 2011, although I have to say that it will be tough to beat 2010. Hear that 2012...its a challenge!

5. Give all my love to my pets every single day. We lost two of our fur babies this year. I loved them every minute of every day as their time drew near. I want to give that same kind of love to the rest of the pets. I don't want the mundane things in life to be more important. If they want my attention, I will give it to them.
We lost our sweet Opal this year in May. I spent a lot of time with her, especially near the end. Just as I did with the others. We are working on spending quality time with all the pets. With 6 of them, its tough to make sure everyone gets attention, but I think we do pretty well. I love them all with my entire heart and I try to remember that we are all they've got - so its important to make sure they know that we love them more than anything.

So....2012....here's what I working towards:

1. I want to improve my swim. Now that I am feeling comfortable and confident in the water, I want to improve my stroke, swim stronger and faster. At the end of the season last year, Trevor worked with me on bilateral breathing. I don't like change and so this is going to take some work. My goal is to swim all my events this year that way and see how my times improve!

2. Sub 2 hour half marathon. My best time is 2 hours and 30 seconds - I did that in September and it haunts me.

3. Sub 4 hour marathon. Gulp.

4. Sub 6 hour Half Ironman. Double Gulp.

5. And again this year - the goal is to be 1st in my age group at the NWPT Triathlon in July.

I do have some goals that don't pertain to any sort of athletic event, but I'm keeping those to myself. We'll see how 2012 goes....

Couldn't we all use some drugs?

2011-12-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

This week was Asha's appointment with the behavorial vet. The week prior was a great one. Asha seemed to be calming down and settling into an even state. I was feeling more hopeful, like I could live like this forever - if this was as good as it got. I was almost thinking she didn't need to go to this special vet. Her appointment was Tuesday morning. Monday and Tuesday, Asha reminded me that she did, in fact, need this extra help. She did a bunch of running and barking and was just restless.

Trevor had to work, so it was just me and Asha. It was about a 30 minute drive - the longest trip Asha has ever taken in the car. I was nervous about it just being us, but she did great. I brought a bunch of treats and peanut butter filling kongs to keep her busy. She layed on the back seat and just relaxed.

As always, Asha was thrilled to be some place new. Everyone at the vet's office wanted to meet her and had questions about her. The vet was super nice. I really liked him and so did Asha. We started at the beginning and covered just about everything I could think of. Asha acted up a bit and so the vet was able to observe her behavior and how I handled it.

After two hours, we came up with a game plan. There is no easy fix for our situation. It is a combination of getting the right drugs and really working to modify her behavior. Change won't happen overnight. I knew that going into this appointment. We have done a lot of work to change her behavior. The things this vet suggested were really just an extension of what we have already done. He seemed to think that Asha has more of a problem controling herself than anxiety. For example, she'll be laying calmly and for no reason jump up and start barking. Trevor compared it to Tourette's syndrome - she has no inhabition and just acts without control.

Asha is currently taking medication for her epilepsy. She also takes an anti anxiety pill. That pill has given her loose stools and we decided to switch her to something different to get rid of that side effect. Here is the one problem with that - Asha needs to stop taking the current anti anxiety meds and let them get out of her system before she starts the new one. Then the new one has to ramp up. So, that is a week without any meds and then probably 3 weeks before the other one really kicks in. The vet said "it could get worse before it gets better". That made me feel a little sick to my stomach!

She was exhausted on the way home!

We headed home with a list of things to work on...First of all, Asha needs much more mental stimulation than most dogs. She can't see or hear, so she doesn't get any stimulation that way. We have tried to give her food puzzle type treats, but she is so smart that she figures them out and then gets bored. The vet suggested that we pick up her food bowl and only feed her from these food puzzles.

The thing that Asha does that is really the major issue is her running and barking. I do not believe she does this when we are not home (we are going to video her while we are gone to confirm this). But when we are home, if we don't hold onto her leash -she will run and bark like crazy until we go stop her. The vet thinks that when we touch her and stop that behavior, she feels rewarded by our touch. She is SO social that any interaction is a reward. So he wants to us to use her leash to break the behavior and then reward her with the touch when she has stopped. She has a leash attached to her collar and when she runs, we try to step on the leash to stop her or grab the leash. Then, when she settles, we'll touch her as reward.

Finally, we have a vibrating collar and we are going to work on using that as a way to tell her "good girl". Right now, if she does lay calmly or do something good - and we pat her on her side (that's the current sign for "good girl"), or if we give her a treat, she gets up and runs and barks. We will use the vibrating collar like a clicker - so vibrate the collar and give her a treat until she realizes what the vibration means.

We are also changing her food.

Exhausted yet?

We stopped giving her the anti anxiety meds on Tuesday. She was okay on Wednesday, but the next couple days her sleep patterns were off. Thursday evening I came home and Asha had cut a path of destruction, plus pooped twice in the house. She hasn't destroyed anything or pooped in the house in probably two months. Friday - she did the same things. This totally confirmed to me that the anti anxiety meds had been working. I struggled with putting her on those and after the past two days, I am so glad that we did. The vet told me to start her new meds right now instead of waiting the entire week. We started that last night - we'll see what I find when I get home today. Hopefully they kick in quickly.

I wonder if she knows something is different. I wonder if she feels out of control and doesn't understand why. I don't want that. I want her to feel calm and relaxed. That's what this is all about. She does have a lot of time where she is content, but there is too much time where she is not.

Asha did great last night. I sat on the kitchen floor with her for about an hour. She layed down against me and put her nose behind my knees and just slept. She does this great thing when she relaxes - she lets out a big sigh. I love that. She slept just about all night long too. She got up at 3 am to go out to the bathroom, then came back in and got up on the bed and fell fast asleep within seconds.

Maggie and Buster are doing great. Sometimes Asha really gets on Maggie's nerves, but she has been very tolerant lately and we are doing everything we can to make sure that Asha respects both Maggie and Buster's space.

I so look forward to Asha improving. She can be such a good girl. She is growing and learning every day. She teaches me so much and watching her amazes me. Nothing stops her, she isn't afraid of anything and she really loves people. It fills my heart with joy when I see her meet someone new. Her little tail wags a thousand miles a minute. She has her favorites too. I take her to the petstore and walk her around, she loves the smells there and someone always wants to pet her. Our vet is located in the petstore and Asha LOVES one of the vet techs named Angel. And Angel loves Asha right back. It makes me so happy to see the two of them together.

I love this little doggie, with all my heart. We'll do anything we need to do in order to give her a good life. To us, a good life means one where she can be calm and relaxed most of the time, where she feels safe and loved. A life where she knows that she belongs with us and that is where she most wants to be.

Overwhelmed

2011-12-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

My absence from blogging can be blame on one thing....I've been feeling very overwhelmed. I've kept it to myself because I was trying to pretend it wasn't true. A couple weeks ago, I finally admitted it myself and had a bit of a breakdown. I am feeling better about things now, but still a little apprehensive.

Asha has been draining me. I think I have been hesitant to post about it because I don't want people to tell us that we should get rid of her. Finding a different home for Asha would be like someone with human children saying they needed to find another home for one of their babies. Its not even a possibility.

When we decided to bring Asha to live with us, neither of us expected her to have so many anxiety issues. I know that I thought she would require some extra work because she was blind and deaf. I thought we'd have to watch her more closely, we'd have to get up and make her stop doing things instead of yelling at her. I NEVER thought I would be dealing with a dog who would be so anxious sometimes that she was out of breath from it. Asha has epilepsy and that showed up about 2 weeks after she came to live with us. She isn't wired like other dogs and so she needs different care.

We have done everything we can think to do. We have a trainer who comes to the house every week and works with all three dogs (and us). We've done research, talked to other blind/deaf Aussie owners, found forums, read blogs...all in an effort to find the answer.

Asha is on anti anxiety medication and it has helped quite a bit, but she still has episodes and its really hard on her and us. It can be mentally exhausting to have her constantly bark in a way that will not allow us to relax. The intensity varies - some days are worse than others. This past week has been the best she's even been, but that followed about two weeks of the worst its ever been. Right before Thanksgiving, it was so bad that I sat on the floor in tears one day. As I sat there crying, all three dogs came over to comfort me. Buster said "mom...I remember feeling hopeless and scared. I didn't know how I could go on that way....and then
you came. So don't worry. It will be okay"

That was pretty much the lowest point. As I sat there sobbing, I thought "how can we go on living like this?" That's a horrible feeling - hopeless, helpless, scared and alone.

Our trainer came to the house the following day and we did a lot of talking. She said some things that I really needed to hear. She said "I don't know how you do it, most people couldn't or wouldn't. You are doing a great job with all your dogs. I admire your commitment". Something about those words made me feel validated and made me really want to continue looking for answers.

Asha has an appointment on Tuesday with a behavorial vet - they work with anxiety issues and OCD. They can prescribe medication and I am hoping they will be able to come up with some ways to reduce Asha's anxiety. That's their specialty.

As I mentioned, this past week has been really good. Asha works best on a schedule. She gets really upset if there is uncertainty, so we have been working on a consistent schedule for her and I believe it has made a difference. She has been playing alot with Buster and Maggie - they play until they are all exhausted, panting, out of breath. Then they all sleep. We've also been going to the petstore to do our evening walks. Its cold outside and the petstore is such an interesting place for Asha - different smells every time we are there. The people who work there love her and she gets so much attention when we go.

Asha has also started to develop a close relationship with us. Before, she really depended on the other dogs, lately she seems more interested in being with us. She'll jump up on the couch with me, lay down by my feet when I am working in the kitchen and has started to lick my face when I sit with her - she never did that before!

She constantly amazes me with how smart she is. I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like to be unable to see or hear. I figure she must go off smell and touch, so I try to be conscious of that. When I get home at night and she realizes that I am home, she'll run to find me - with her nose in the air following my smell. I get down on the floor and try to put as much of myself against her as I can so that she feels me there.

She works like a clock - she has a schedule and she keeps to it. She knows when certain things happen. She wakes up at the same time every morning - give or take ten minutes. She knows when she goes in her kennel, she knows when she goes to bed.
When she is good, she is great. I love her so much. Sometimes when she looks up at me with her super blue eyes and her pink nose, I want to crumble because she is such a sweet creature.

There are certainly more times when she sits calmly. It used to be that she was either sleeping or running and barking, there was very little in between. A few times I have come home and she's laying on the couch - not sleeping, just relaxing. She has not destroyed things in several weeks, no matter how long she has been left at home alone. She also hasn't peed or pooped in the house in probably two months.

I am not sure what happened, but last Sunday seemed to be a turning point. That was the best day we have ever had with her. She played with Buster and Maggie, there were no issues, very little anxiety. One night this week, I was actually able to go upstairs and put laundry away for about 15 minutes without Asha barking the entire time. She barked for a couple minutes, then laid down at the bottom of the stairs and relaxed. I couldn't believe it.

We've done ALOT of behavior modification with all three dogs. Asha really disrupted the entire household and we've had to do work with the other two dogs and the cats. Its been exhausting. These last two weeks, we have finally started to see some results from our hard work. While we were in the midst of it all, I kept thinking that we would have to do some of those things forever and that was daunting. For example, we've been giving each dog time alone with us on the couch and that required a "crate and rotate" program - meaning that two would be in a crate while one was out with us and then we would rotate them. Logically - that is exhausting. But it payed off. We don't have to do that very much now, we are all about to be together without issue. The work isn't done, we'll constantly need to work with the dogs and on ourselves to ensure a peaceful home.

I was having a really tough time with all this because I kept thinking about how our lives used to be. Before Asha, we could relax whenever we wanted. When she would run and bark, it would make me sad that life was gone and I didn't think it would ever come back. I told Trevor that I was greiving the loss of that life and moving through the stages of grief. I was angry and sad. I've finally moved into acceptance and this morning I said to Trevor "if this is how it is forever, I would be happy with it". And I meant it.

I know that most people don't feel the way we do about animals. Most people wouldn't allow their lives to be turned upside down by any pet. I think that is the thing that most brings Trevor and I together. We agree that we'll do whatever we have to do to make sure our pets have a good life, no matter what inconveincence that is to us. We made the choice to bring them to our home and now we have to make the best of it.

I know I am a better person because of what we are going through right now. I know that I have learned a lot about myself. The moments of struggle with the dogs are tough, but the moments of love fill my heart in a way that nothing else ever has. When Maggie smiles at me, Buster sleeps against my legs and Asha wags her tail with excitement at my presence, I know that I am loved and its all worth it. This must be what it feels like to have kids.

So I am overwhelmed, but am finally feeling hopeful! I am looking forward to our trip to the vet on Tuesday and continuing to make progress with our special little one. Heaven knows we all deserve it.

Inaction is sometimes the worst action of all

2011-11-19T15:18:00.000-08:00

I've been troubled by a few recent stories. One, is the sex scandal at Penn State, the other is the murder of Jayna Murray, a Lululemon employee in Bethesda. There are obviously, many things about both of these cases that are troublesome, but the one thing that bothers me the most is that there were people who heard or saw something wrong and did not act.

The story I am going to focus on is the Jayna Murray story. The Penn State scandal has been covered quite a bit in the media and probably everyone knows about it and is shocked by the actions of the coaches and administrators there.

Let me tell you what I know about Jayna Murray and her death. I am a big fan of Lululemon. Its a clothing store. There are blogs dedicated to it and those blogs follow everything that has to do with the brand. Last March, there was a posting on one of the blogs with a story about a robbery and murder at the Lululemon store in Bethesda, Maryland. The story said that two unknown men broke into the store after closing and assaulted two employees, murdering one of them.

I live 3000 miles away from the crime scene, but I was riveted by the story. I followed it online via blogs and news reports. I was shocked when a few days later, the police arrested the coworker who survived the attacked, claiming that she had attacked and killed the other worker.

There was a huge outpouring in the community for the family and friends of Jayna Murray. I did not know her and I don't know anyone who did, but I feel the pain, sadness and horror that they must feel at this senseless death. According to reports, the attack was instigated because Jayna caught her coworker stealing. I guess going to jail for murder is better than getting fired for stealing.

As I have followed this story, there is one piece that sticks out to me. The Lululemon store was next to an Apple computer store. At the trial of Brittany Norwood - the accused murdered, two Apple employees testified that they heard something. Here are some quotes:

"I heard noises coming from the right side of the store- something heavy sounding," "Like it was being hit or dragging, some grunting and some thudding."

"We approached the area of the store where the sound was the loudest. At that point we heard some screaming or yelling. It sounded hysterical," They heard two female voices, one hysterically, "God help me, please help me."

The Apple store manager at the time also testified that he heard a panting, "like when you can't breathe and need to catch your breath."

They employees testified that they asked the security guards in their store to check it out. The way they checked it out was to put their ear to the wall. There have been no answers as to why no further action was taken. Why the police weren't called, why the security guards didn't go next door and check it out.

Jayne Murray suffered more than 322 blows before the final fatal blow. She was found with a rope around her neck, hammer and knife wounds to her head, and had been repeatedly struck with a metal stand. The attack allegedly went on for more than 20 minutes. Plenty of time for someone to have intervened and saved her life. But no one did. How can that be?

I know there are all kinds of studies about why people don't act, why they don't step in and take action to stop something they know is going on - they think someone else will call the police or they don't want to meddle in something that isn't their business.

I have always held the belief, in the case of my safety and the safety of others, its better to look stupid then end up dead. I would rather have the police come and find nothing wrong than not get involved and have to live with myself for not taking action.

Sure, none of us know how we would act in the same situation. We'd all like to think we would do the right thing. Its ironic to me that due to the internet, social media and reality TV, we are all so involved in the lives of others. We have no problem butting into the lives of friends, family and acquaintances, but when we need to pick up the phone and call 911 or physically stop someone from committing a crime or an immoral act, we freeze, become scared and decide to mind our own business. Minding our own business isn't the American way. So let's stop acting like it is and start looking out for each other. If you see something that doesn't seem quite right, if you hear or read something that makes you think there is a problem - ACT on it. You may look foolish, but better to be foolish than regretful.

Those Apple employees had to sit in a courtroom and look at Jayna's parents and know that they did nothing to stop the brutal murder of their daughter. How do you live with that?

Here is a link to Jayna's Foundation: http://www.jaynamurrayfoundation.com/
Here is a news story about the conviction of Jayna's murder

Weekend at Grammie's

2011-11-11T16:25:00.000-08:00

I spent last weekend in Sarasota, Florida visiting my 84 year old Grammie. I was only there for three days and I went alone. Trevor stayed home to take care of the businesses and the pets. I hate going anywhere without him and I hate leaving the pets, but I had the best time with my Grammie.

My Aunt Roz and Uncle Al just moved to Florida a few weeks ago and now live right behind Grammie. I haven't seen them in at least 6 years, so it was a treat to spend some time with them too!

I don't know anyone who is like Grammie. She is so spiritual and open to new ideas. She is always ready to try something new. She leads book studies, belongs to all kinds of groups and clubs, she goes on retreats and to lectures. I am amazed at how she views the world.

We spent some time sightseeing and the rest of the time we just talked. She said "there is just too much to learn". We talked alot about this life and what follows. I grew up going to church every Sunday and always thought of Grammie as religious. She has really opened up to a different world view. She believes this life is in three dimensions and when we pass, we move onto a different dimension.

My entire life, Grammie has always been fascinated with Easter Island. She's never been there but when she sees a picture of it, she is overcome with a feeling of homesickness. She was telling me that she feels a similiar pull towards Egypt but nothing like Easter Island. We decided that her spirit started life on Easter Island.

I don't have conversations like these with anyone else except my Gram. At one point we were talking and I just teared up because I realized how lucky I am to get to know my Grammie at so many different points in her life.

As a child, she was the doting wife and mother. As I got older, she was a caretaker to so many people. She did what was expected and I rarely saw any unhappiness in her. She gave of herself without complaint, it never occurred to me that she might have wanted more from her life.

After my Pop-pop passed away, I saw my Grammie change into an independent woman. When we joke about her finding a new man, she says "I did that for 51 years, I don't want to do it anymore". Its so strange to hear her talk about that previous life. I know she doesn't regret the path she chose, but she sure is loving this life she has now.

Grammie has good genes - her parents both lived into their late 90s, so she probably has lots of time left. I sure hope she does. She is my favorite person, she always has been. I loved my time with her and I can't wait to go back again.

Going to Grammie's

2011-10-28T16:36:00.001-07:00

I grew up on Greentree Road, in the farm house where my Dad was raised. Across the street, lived my dad's parents - my Grammie and Pop-pop. Growing up, I saw them several times every week, either for lunch or dinner or just to visit. I spent every Sunday with them at church, every holiday, every birthday, sick days from school, vacation days and every day during the summer.

I learned a lot of things from my Grammie and Pop-Pop. I was the only granddaughter and so I got all my Grammie's attention when it came to crafts. She taught me how to needlepoint, knit and crochet. Every summer I'd have a project and Grammie would help me with it. I remember running errands with her. Even thought it was just a normal day doing regular things, I loved being with her. Pop-Pop came home every day for lunch and we'd sit in the kitchen, watching Action News at noon and he'd drink his grapefruit juice I would cry at the end of the summer when I had to go back to school because I would miss my time with Grammie.

When I was sick, Grammie knew how to make me feel better. When I wanted to go play with my friends for the 5th day in a row, Grammie would make me stay home and told me that I needed to learn to be okay by myself. I watched her take care of everyone we knew, she was the most giving, self-less person I ever knew.

Grammie is really funny and always has great stories about when she was young. I could listen to her all day long. I just like being with her.

For as long as I can remember, Grammie and Pop-Pop would spend some time every winter in Florida. It started as just the month of February and as the years went on, they stayed longer. After Pop-Pop passed away, Grammie bought a place in Sarasota and started spending more time there. Then, a couple years ago, she sold her home in New Jersey and moved to Florida permanently. I always wanted to go visit, but never had. This weekend, after 37 years, I am finally going to visit Grammie in Florida!!

I see Grammie usually about once a year, but its never been at her place in Sarasota. Trevor is staying home to work the store and take care of the pets. I can only be gone for a couple days, so it will be a short trip, but I am so grateful that I get to go.

Last time I saw her was about a year ago at my nephew's 1st birthday.

Grammie is my favorite person and when I am around her I feel better about myself and about the world. I can't wait to pull into her driveway and see her come running out to meet me (that's what she always does - she runs to meet me when we visit - she always has)! I can't wait to see what her life is like now. She is always so busy going and doing new and fun things. She says that when you stop learning, that's when you get old and she's not ready to get old yet. I love her. And so I am thrilled to be able to say that I won't be around this weekend, because I am going to Grammie's!!

Lethal White

2011-10-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

Our dog, Asha, is a blind and deaf Australian Shepherd. Before we found her at the Humane Society, we had never heard of such a thing. We did some research before we adopted her and have continued doing research since she became part of our family.

At first, we thought it was just a fluke - her blind and deafness. Then we realized that there is actually a term for dogs like her - Lethal Whites - and they are a problem among Australian Shepherd breeders. There are multiple colors of this breed. One of those colors is called Merle. When two Merle color dogs are bred, 25% of the time, the puppies will be blind and deaf or both. These blind/deaf dogs are called Double Merle or Lethal Whites. The term Lethal White can be misleading - you may think the the blind/deaf puppies don't survive long after birth due to genetics. The truth is that most of them don't survive because their breeders kill them when they realize they are blind and deaf.

Keep in mind, that breeders sell dogs for money. Many breeders will not sell "defective" dogs. Responsible breeders would never allow merle to merle breeding. I am not an advocate for breeding at all - there are far too many animals in shelters. But that's not what I am discussing here. Sadly, not all breeders are responsible.

None of this had occurred to us when we went to meet Asha. After we had decided we wanted her to come live with us, we asked the shelter workers how Asha came to be at there. They told us that when her breeder realized the entire litter of puppies was deaf and blind, he started drowning them - one by one. His wife saved Asha and two others - but the shelter could only take one. Asha is only alive because she wasn't the closet one to her breeder when he reached in to grab a puppy to drown. She is only alive because she was the lucky one of the three surviving pups to be taken in at the shelter.

Most people have said to us "what do you do with a blind and deaf dog. If they can't see and hear, what else is there?" Well, there's lots. She lives a very full, fun life and she is amazingly smart. She has only lived with us for three months, but I know we already take for granted the things she does. Here are just a few examples:

-she knows when its bedtime, we let her out to pee, then she comes back in and walks right to the stairs, goes up the stairs, turns left at the top, then turns right into the bedroom without hitting a wall or tripping on a stair.

-when we come home from our walks, she starts lifting her paws higher in anticipation for the front stairs.

-she runs out the back door and slows slightly at the edge of the deck before she launches off it just like our two dogs who can see do.

-every day when I leave home, I put her toys out around the house for her to find. She knows one of my favorite spots to put a toy is on the front couch and she goes right to the couch and looks for a toy when she realizes it is that time.

The list goes on and on. There are a hundred little things that she knows. Some we taught her, others she just knows. She loves to play with Buster and Maggie. She knows where they like to lay and will walk right over to those spots and start to play with them. Sometimes when she is near them, she'll put her paw on their back, just to keep track of where they are. And when we walk them all together, she likes to be between Maggie and Buster so she knows where we are going.

She is anxious and she requires more patience than I have, but she is becoming a really great dog. Having her has allowed my eyes to be opened to so many things. Before, I never wanted to know any details about the sad things that happen to animals. I worried that if I knew what went on in shelters or dog fighting operations, I would never get the images out of my mind. And I was right. I have slowly started to read things, to allow myself to become knowledgeable about what really happens. Many times I cry my eyes out while I am reading, most times it takes days for me to be able to stop thinking about what I have learned. It occurred to me that if I don't know, I won't help. Now that I know, there are things I can do. I can help other people have the courage to know too, because once we all really KNOW what goes on and how awful much of it is, we can change it. I don't want to say "there isn't anything I can do about it so I'd rather now know", anymore.

Here is a quote from a rescue group that I follow in Arizona called Amazing Aussies:

It is estimated that there are something like 4000 of these "Lethal Whites" born in the US every year. Approximately 2500 of these are silently suffocated, drowned, frozen, etc., in the privacy of the breeder's home or facility, and never have a chance. Of the 1500 or so that are dumped alive at the pound, in garbage cans and dumpsters, on the street or offered "for adoption" (sadly many are used as bait for dogfighting) on Craig's list, we are able to bring into the group around 100 a year, save perhaps that many again by assisting with placements in other parts of the country, and adopt out 60 to 80. We fight this fight every day and have done so for nearly 2 decades. It is time that people got outraged about this kind of cruelty, and ask their politicians to step up, regulate animal breeding, and made this kind of inhumane conduct illegal!'

As you read, some of these dogs have a fate worse than an early death. Blind/Deaf Aussies are favorite of people who run dog fighting operations. They find these dogs in shelters or more often on Craig's List and use them as bait because they don't know what's happening and can't fight back. That makes me sick to my stomach everytime I think about it or read about it because I have seen how Asha reacts when one of the other dogs gets annoyed and snaps at her. She gets this confused look on her face because she didn't see or hear the cues that they were annoyed with her. And that's what these sick monsters want.

The rarity of dogs like Asha is why it is so incredibly difficult to find information and help on how to raise her. So we do the best we can and hope that some day in the future, there won't be dogs like Asha and if there are - the people responsible will be punished and the dogs will have a safe, loving home to go to, instead of being drowned, shot or worse. We owe that to Asha's little brothers and sisters.

I encourage you to let yourself know the things you don't think you want to know. Once you do, you will find that you can't turn a blind eye anymore. When that time comes, the world will be a better place.

That's what Asha is dreaming about...

Happy Pitbull Awareness Day

2011-10-22T12:48:00.001-07:00

Today is National Pitbull Awareness Day and Maggie wants to celebrate! Her bag says "earth day, every day" but what she really means is "pitbull awareness day, every day"

We adopted Maggie for a local rescue group two years ago. Trevor fell in love with her profile picture. He especially loved her ears. He found her in a search for an Australian Shepherd. He wanted a dog he could run with. Maggie was listed as an Australian Shepherd - Greyhound Mix.

Maggie was 7 months old, she had been born to a stray dog who lived in someone's back yard. The people gave away all the other puppies, but kept Maggie in their back yard. They never named her and they would just throw food out to her - "the cheapest food" was what they put on the Humane Society intake form. Maggie was so scared of everything that she couldn't be kept in the shelter. She was placed in foster care.

Maggie spent a week in Foster care before we met her. When she arrived at her foster home, she wouldn't walk on a leash and she was scared of everything. Her foster family showed her love and patience. They had a big black Rottweiler who took Maggie under her wing and showed her how to be a dog.

At the time, I was working at The Oregonian and Trevor was working one of our stores. He started emailing me pictures of Maggie. We already had two dog and I wasn't really sure why he thought we needed a third. On a Saturday night we were sitting on the couch and Trevor texted me a picture of Maggie. I said "you are acting like I said we can't get her. If you want her, send in an application". So he did and the next day we went to meet Maggie. I knew we'd bring her home with us, we aren't the kind of people who look at a dog and don't fall in love.

When we got to the foster's home, they said "All day long, we've been telling Maggie that her people are coming". That made me want to cry. I sat and visited with Maggie. She was nervous and quiet, didn't really want any attention paid to her. We took her for a walk and then we brought her home. I cried as we pulled away from her Foster Parent's house because I couldn't believe they could let her go. I was so grateful to them for saving her and teaching her the things she needed to know.

She sat on Trevor's lap on the way home, not sure what was going on.
Our other two dogs - Opal and Wookie took right away to Maggie. Well, Opal did. Wookie didn't really care either way. We took them all for a walk so that they'd know she was part of our family now.

Maggie was quite a challenge for us. We hadn't taken into account the fact that she was a puppy. Plus she was scared. When she needed to go outside to go to the bathroom, we had to go with her. She was scared - so we would go stand in the middle of the yard, usually in the pouring rain. We did that for probably a month until she wasn't afraid anymore.

She LOVED to snuggle on the couch with us. She still does - she'll curl up right next to you, bury her head under the blanket and go right to sleep. She went everywhere with us and was very happy to do so.
After about a week, we noticed Maggie had a little bald patch on her paw. We asked our vet about it and the vet said "that's very typical of the pitbull breed." Trevor and I were like "excuse me?" and he said "oh yeah, she's a pitbull". We loved her already so we didn't care, but honestly I did wonder a bit. Pitbulls have a pretty bad reputation. But Maggie didn't have any of the characteristics that you think of when you hear pitbull. She wasn't aggressive or stand off-ish. She was not a fighter, that is for sure.

We didn't think much else about it. Every once in a while, people would be nervous around her. I had a customer and her 4 year old son come into the store one day when Maggie was there with me. Maggie walked over and wanted to meet her son. She got between Maggie and her son and was acting very afraid. I didn't know who was more scared - her or Maggie. That was the first time I realized that people could be afraid of her.

Maggie was very destructive as a puppy. She got into everything and tore it apart, but never any aggression. She was great at the dog park, great with people. We only ever saw any glimpse of dog aggression when she had a toy. She did not want any other dog to take her toy or her treat. When Wookie started to get sick, he didn't want anything to do with Maggie and that made Maggie so sad. All she wanted was to be Wookie's friend. He would growl at her and she would crawl over to him on her belly, get right in his face and roll over on her back while pawing at him. That's not dog aggression. Not even close. She was also very submissive to Opal.

I see so many stories about Pitbulls and how aggressive they are. I see lots of cities making it illegal to own a pitbull. It makes me sad because I don't believe there can be a bad breed of dogs. It has a lot to do with the owner. That goes for any sort of dog. For example, we know that Maggie was get upset when it comes to toys and treats - so we have removed these stimuli from her. We don't give any of our dogs toys when they are all together. It doesn't matter what kind of dog you have, you must know its temperment and act accordingly. There are lots of dogs out there who don't like kids or cats or other dogs. Not just Pitbulls. As a responsible owner, its your job to keep your dog safe. Our dog Opal was very aggressive towards small animals, so we kept her seperated from our cats for her whole life. She was a cattle dog.

I hear people say that pitbulls were bred to fight and that they aren't happy unless they are fighting. This is simply not true. From every dog fighting story I have ever read, the dogs were scared and submissive when they were rescued. Some dogs end up being killed because they won't fight. Most of the dogs who are rescued from these situations carry emotional scarring with them that is far worse than the physical scars.

Having Maggie as a part of our family has allowed my eyes to be opened to all the horrendous things that animals - especially pitbulls - endure. When I hear about these things, I look at Maggie and I think of them happening to her. I often hug her and tell her how sorry I am that humans can be so cruel. Most of the time, Maggie is a super happy dog. I don't know exactly what happened to Maggie before she came to live with us - but she is still, after two years, very nervous about certain things. If I am upstairs and I yell down to Trevor, Maggie cowers. If I kick something, Maggie cowers. If I throw a towel onto the floor, Maggie cowers. She is getting better, but the people who had her for the first 7 months of her life certainly didn't show her any love. We are making up for lost time on that one.
Our family is better because of Maggie. My heart is bigger because of Maggie and my life is full of happiness because of Maggie. I love this dog with everything I have, every piece of my being and I would do anything to keep her safe.

She thinks we should celebrate today. So we will. Maggie....we love you, always have, always will.

Here is great video that shows the history of Pitbulls. I especially love the story of Hector - one of Michael Vick's dogs.

Guest Blogger...Asha

2011-10-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Its been a little more than a month since my last post, so I figured it was time for an update.

here is my last post from September.

I've been living with my family for a little more than 3 months now and things just keep getting better. Honestly, the last time I posted, things were pretty tough around my house. I was a real handful, mom and dad couldn't figure out what I wanted and Maggie was getting pretty annoyed with me too. We were all really frustrated.

Mom and Dad were exhausted because I wouldn't sleep through the night, I wouldn't calm down during the day either. There was no rest for any of us. Mom slept on the bathroom floor with me for about three weeks. I really like the bathroom floor - its hard tile and its really cool. I don't think it felt so good to my mom, but she did it anyway because it made me feel less anxious. She would sit with me, pet me and sing to me while I tried to get to sleep. Then she would lay down just out of reach so that during the night if I woke up, she could reach out and touch me to calm me down. It worked most of the time.

I would have good days and bad days. I wouldn't let mom and dad put me in a kennel during the day like Maggie and Buster. So when they weren't home, I would be all by myself downstairs. Sometimes I'd get really bored. Mom and Dad left me all kinds of treats and toys, but sometimes, the wood molding just tastes good. Mom and Dad never got mad at me, they would just clean up after me and then move things around so I couldn't get to all the good tasting stuff....but I found new stuff to chew on. I'm pretty smart that way.

I don't pee or poop in the house anymore. Well, once in a while, maybe. Last time I posted, I was peeing in the house every day and pooping every now and then. I'm growing up now and big dogs don't do that. I can hold it unless my schedule gets really screwed up.

I was bugging Maggie ALOT back then. She would get really mad at me. Mom and Dad spent a lot of time making sure that Maggie would be behaved around me. It took about a two weeks, but now Maggie lets me do whatever I want. I'm a puppy and I like to play. Maggie is much more playful now and isn't so worried that I'll take her spot on the couch or eat her food. I bet when I grow up, Maggie will be my best friend. I get on her nerves, but I can tell that I'm growing on her. Buster gets mad sometimes too, but I'm bigger than him, so there isn't much he can do.

I was doing alot of barking back then and by alot, I mean all the time. We'd get up in the morning and while Mom, Dad, Buster and Maggie were trying to sit on the couch and have breakfast, I would run and bark. They kept getting up to get me and tried to keep me settled by them, but I couldn't settle down. Then, during the day, when Dad was trying to work at his desk, I'd run and bark. Later in the evening, when mom got home from work, I would wake up and run and bark. I'd usually lay down in the kitchen while everyone else was relaxing on the couch. I was too anxious to go be calm with the rest of the family.

My anxiety got really bad. The vet said my epilepsy can go hand in hand with anxiety. (By the way, I haven't had a seizure since I started taking my epilepsy medicine!) There were a couple nights in a row where I just couldn't relax. I was up all night panting, pacing and barking. Finally, one night, my mom got real worried about me - my heart was racing and I was really upset. None of her normal calming tricks worked. We went all night and hardly slept at all. I started peeing and pooping in the house a lot more. Mom called the vet and I got started on some anti anxiety medicine. Wow. What a difference that has made.

I met a new friend, Mom and Dad say she is our trainer. She comes to the house once a week and works on all kinds of fun stuff with us. I get real excited when she shows up because I always get ALOT of treats when she's there. All I have to do is sit and lay down. Or if I sit nice next to my Mom or Dad, I get some treats then too. I feel like my anti anxiety medicine lets me focus enough to learn new things. Just this week I learned how to sit and lay down without always having a treat. I am learning things by touch. Since I can't see or hear, we use touch signals. A touch on the head means sit, a touch under the chin means lay down. A pat on the side means "good dog". I like that one best. My trainer says that I'll be able to learn all kinds of things like sit, stay, lay down, shake. It makes me feel really proud that she sees all my potential. I am proud that she knows how smart I am, just because I can't see or hear doesn't mean I can't learn. It just means I learn in a different way and I need someone with patience to help teach me.

I've just about mastered bed time. When we first go up to bed, I like to get in bed and look for the kitties. Roxie is my favorite kitty. She's really soft. First I look under the bed for her, then I get up on the bed and look behind the bed. Sometimes she'll show me she loves me by swatting my face. I'll lay between my Mom and Dad - sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for hours. Then I'll get up and my Mom will lead me into the bathroom. Most nights I lay right down, she'll stay there with me for a couple minutes and then she gets back into her bed. I love that I can sleep by myself now. I'm a big girl. I really love that my mom can sleep in her bed and most nights we all sleep ALL night!!!

If I wake up in the middle of the night and think I want outside, I can usually be persuaded to get in bed with Mom and Dad instead. This morning, I woke up around 4 am and my mom guided me over to the bed. I jumped up there and layed down right next to her with my head on her pillow. I should get a pillow for the bathroom floor - the blankets are nice, but a pillow...wow! We slept until about 5:30 and then it was time to get up.

Evening time is when it really shows how I am maturing. (That's what my Dad says). Usually when Mom gets home, I am asleep on the couch. I either wake up on my own or Maggie and Buster wake me up. We go for a long walk and then we do chores to get ready for the next day. I don't run and bark like I used to. I either play with Buster and Maggie or I stay close to my Mom (she gives me treats when I stay right by her like a good girl). When Dad gets home, we all go into the TV room to relax. About a month ago, I started coming into the TV room on my own and laying on the floor. Now I will play with Maggie and Buster for a while and then I'll either settle down on the floor or get up on the couch with Mom or Dad. Then I go to sleep or just rest quietly until bedtime. Its really relaxing for all of us, its my favorite time of day....all the work is done and we get family time.

I am doing better in the mornings too. I like to play when everyone else is still waking up, but eventually I calm down and will sit for a bit while we watch the news. Then, Mom and Dad go away for a while (Maggie tells me they are upstairs in the workout room staying fit) and then we go for a long walk. We get walked twice a day - all the neighbor dogs are jealous - they bark at us when we go by.

Mid day is still an issue for me, I do most of my barking and running around then. I'm working on it and as I get older, I am getting better. Somedays when I am home alone, I don't bother anything, other days I go crazy and once I get my paws on something good, I tear it up. Mom never knows what she'll get when she comes home. In the last week, we've started something called "kennel training". I'm not really sure about it, I just know that I get the most amazing beef bone when we do this. Maggie and Buster tell me how great their kennels are - they love going in there, but I'm not so sure. I don't like to be penned up. I get scared and angry and Mom and Dad say they want to limit those feelings for me. I've been able to stay in my kennel for about an hour at a time. I bet that increases as I start to feel more comfortable. I know it will make my mom worry a lot less if I can be in there when I'm home alone.

I am really getting big. Every time we go to the vet I gain some weight. I'm bigger than Maggie now and I am so fluffy. I'll tell you a secret, the other day, I got poop in my fur. I couldn't get it out so my Mom and Dad gave me a bath and Mom pulled it out of my fur for me. She is the BEST. Who would do that for you except a Mom? My Dad is pretty awesome too. When we go for walks, he'll run with me for a while. I really like that - I feel so free and alive.

Mom and Dad take me places whenever they can. I LOVE to meet people. Everyone is my friend. When I smell someone new, my little tail will wag like crazy until I can find them. Then, when I do, I want to jump up on them and get to their face. We are working on that - not jumping. If I meet a lot of people in one day, I get tired and then I don't jump so much - its just too much work! People always want to know about me, why I look the way I do. Most often they ask if I am albino. Mom and Dad tell them about me and why I am this way. It always shocks people to hear that my breeder drowned my brothers and sisters. I can tell some people wonder how a deaf and blind dog can have any sort of life. Sadly, I think lots of people would probably have put me to sleep. But I show everyone I met that every creature has a purpose and even a blind/deaf/epileptic dog can have a great life. I want people to know that dogs like me deserve a chance.

I know it has taken an amazing amount of patience for us to have gotten this far. I am not an easy dog to deal with. I admit it. I'm still a puppy, for heaven's sake. Sometimes I don't know how we do it. My mom says she's not a patient person and sometimes she isn't, but most of the time, she and my dad are super patient with me. We have some more work to do, that's for sure. Hopefully by the time I blog again next month I will be kennel trained and not destroying so many things. I also really hope that my running and barking will continue to get less and less. I know those two things really make Mom and Dad nuts, so I've got it on my goal sheet. We made a goal sheet to give to our trainer, things we want to work on. Mom left it on the counter and I ate it. So now I just keep mental notes of my goals.

I love my family and I know they love me. My Mom was having a hard time seeing the progress I was making, so she started to keep a journal for me. Now when she feels like things aren't getting better, she can read back in the journal and realize that things are getting lots better. Its all relative. There was a time where she said she would be happy if I would just sleep through the night - most nights I do, then she said she'd be happy if I woulnd't bark when she got home at night - most nights I don't. When I get better, she expects more of me, I guess that's part of growing up! I can't wait to see what kind of progress I make over the next month, I'll be sure to report it.

Its decided

2011-10-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

Back in September, I posted about our decision to do the Columbia Gorge Marathon. Here is that post.

Shortly after I convinced Trevor to do the marathon, we went on our first long run - 18 miles I believe. About two miles into that run I thought "what have I done?" I was just not feeling it. I was tired and sluggish, I wasn't excited about running any distance, I was tired and sore. I walked most of the last two miles of that run - that is totally not like me, I may slow down, but I rarely walk during a training run. I commented several times to Trevor that we could do the half marathon or we could not do it at all. Trevor kept saying "no, you convinced me to do it, so I"m doing it". I couldn't let him do it alone, that's now how we do things. So I continued on with our training.

We did a half marathon a couple weeks ago and it was great! I felt strong and enjoyed it. It has been years since we did a stand alone half marathon and it was really fun. This made me realize again that I didn't want to do the full marathon.

We kept on training, I needed new shoes, but didn't buy any. I kept putting it off. My body had been aching. I spent three weeks sleeping on the bathroom tile floor with Asha and my back was really hurting. Some days, I could barely stand up straight when I got up in the morning. After our 20 miler, where I felt like I was running barefoot because my shoes were so bad, my feet started to hurt. They hurt in a way that they have never hurt before. It hurt to stand, it hurt to sit, it hurt to walk. It just hurt. We got massages every week for a few weeks and that helped, but man...did they hurt. I got new shoes and that helped, but I just felt crappy. Again, my runs were not fun, I was stressing about this marathon and how bad it was going to hurt.

The last few Sundays have been great. We do our long runs on Saturday and then on Sundays have been spending the day with the dogs. We take them for a long walk, then relax on the couch with a fire going. I REALLY want to do that this Sunday. If we run the marathon, we'll be away from home from 7 am to 3 or 4 pm and when we get home, I'll be tired and sore and we won't get any time with the dogs.

I am going to visit Grammie next weekend and so I want to spend as much time as I can with Trevor and the dogs. Asha is just starting to be a good girl and I want to get as much of that as I can.

So you see...this marathon thing was just seeming to be a really bad idea and I have no one to blame but myself. We haven't signed up yet, so today I was finally able to convince Trevor that we should not do it. I was wrong, I shouldn't have convinced him in the first place. He said "This is a good lesson". Well, I'm sure it is, but for now I am just happy that I get to spend Sunday doing feel good things instead of something hard that will hurt!! Yay for Sunday's at home with the family. The doggies will be so happy to hear about this!

"Kennel, Kennel"

2011-10-18T16:18:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend today and telling him about our Asha and all the mayhem that has ensued since her arrival at our home. As I was telling him, he said "You can't make this shit up". I told him how exhausted we have been, overwhelmed, wondering what the hell we got ourselves into, how we can survive this, is this our new normal? He and his wife had twins about 18 months ago and he said "you just described how I feel every single day". It was good to know that I am not alone. So many times, I feel like the rest of the world has it together and wonder what is wrong with me because I don't.

I read an article about the Mayor of New York and his dogs, how one day, they got out of their gated area in the kitchen and destroyed things. Its nice to hear that even powerful people can't control their dogs all of the time.

When I stop and really think about it, we have made HUGE progress with Asha. She sleeps through the night, doesn't pee and poop so much in the house, is calm in the mornings and in the evenings and is doing pretty well on walks. She still barks uncontrolably during certain times of the day and can be very destructive when we leave her at home alone.

Our other two dogs are crate trained. They LOVE their crates. When its time for bed or for us to leave, we say "kennel, kennel" and they run to go upstairs, go right into their kennels and lay down. I love that about them. I don't have to worry about leaving them alone, they are content to be in their kennels whenever necessary. I know that they are safe there.

Asha, well, she's a different story. When we first brought her home, 3 months ago, we attempted to put her in a kennel. She went nuts. One of the big issues she had in the shelter and in foster care was her anxiety - she would spin in a tight circle and bark like crazy. We worked very hard to break her of that habit. When we put her in the crate or in a smaller room like the bathroom or laundry room, she would start the spinning again. It seemed that any progress we would make with her would go away after she was confined. We decided it would be better to let her roam free than to cause her any more damage. She was also having seizures and the anxiety seemed to be a trigger.

Its been three months and it is really time to get her crate trained. There are several reasons for that - the first is the amount of destruction she has done in our home. Its not her fault, its totally our fault. I know that and it actually makes me feel worse about it. I just didn't know what to do about it. I've talked before about all the things she has done. For about a week she did great, no destruction. Then, last week, the full moon came and it set her off (at least that is what I am blaming). She started chewing on things again. So I sprayed all her favorite spots to chew with bitter apple. That made her angry and so she found new things to chew on. Last night I came home and she had torn the molding off the laundry room door and moved it into the TV room to chew on the ends. It was an 8 foot long piece of wood. I need a camera at home to see how these things happen.

I worry about her safety more than anything. Our stuff is just our stuff, sure I'd prefer it not be destroyed, but I really prefer that Asha stay safe.

We have a dog trainer who comes once a week and today we started to work on crate training. Our trainer believes it should be pretty easy to get Asha comfortable with being in her crate. After our first session today, I believe that too. It will take time, but I feel like it is possible.

Training is actually pretty awesome for Asha. We take a bone, a super yummy special bone and she only gets it when she is in the kennel. That makes the kennel a happy place for her, not a punishment. We put her in there with her bone for 10 or 15 minutes at a time and when she wants out, she gets out. We did that a couple times today and it seemed to work well. I am also hoping that the time spent focused solely on chewing that bone will exhaust her chew muscles and so she won't have to chew on the woodwork, wires, books, picture frames, etc.

Here she is in her spacious kennel, if you look closely you can see she has her bone and the door isn't shut.

These are just the first steps, there's lots more work to do.

I worry about her. Heck, I worry about all of them. I don't want any of our animals to be sad or lonely for even a second. I know that's not realistic, but that's my goal - total happiness. We are getting closer to that, it is just requiring a lot of work. Now that we have asked for help and have a great dog trainer, I believe the progress will come much more quickly. Asha will never be able to hear us say "kennel, kennel" like the other two, but we'll come up with a sign for that and hopefully she'll run to get in her kennel too. To me, that would be a dream come true....

364 days

2011-10-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

364 days....that's how long I have been without my sweet Gussie. Our cat, Gus, died a year ago tomorrow. Not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of him, missed him and longed for one more minute with him.

Its been 18 months since we said goodbye to our dog Wookie and six months since we said goodbye to our other dog Opal. I miss all three of them terribly. I am certainly occupied with our 6 current pets and I love them all tremendously, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss the love and companionship of those original 3.

I've really been missing Gus alot these last couple weeks - knowing that its been just about a year and finding it impossible to believe that much time has passed, I feel like we just said goodbye. I loved that cat more than I think I have ever loved anyone in all my life. He was my family for 11 years and he loved me like no other.

I know that he'd be beside himself with all the activity going on in our house right now. He would HATE Asha because she messes with our sleep and the one thing Gus loved was sleeping on my pillow. He would have given Asha the stink eye, constantly, for disrupting that.

The only good luck that Gus ever had was being adopted by me. His life before me was full of strife and his life with me was full of illness and uncertainty. The one thing that was constant was my love for him. I would have done anything to keep him safe and healthy. Our vet always said that Gus would have died years ago if it weren't for us and our willingness to do what needed to be done in order to give him a great life.

When we were close to making the decision to let him go, I wrote this:

When the time comes, I will make the decision and it will break my heart. I will let him go, but part of me will go with him. I have loved him every minute since I first saw him and I will love him forever.

It was true then, its true now.

3 months with Asha

2011-10-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

3 months ago today, Asha came to live with us. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We knew she would have special needs and that our lives would never be the same, but we certainly didn't realize just how exhausting that would be. Somedays I feel like we have made no progress and other days I feel like we've come so far. I felt like I was forgetting things, so I have started to journal Asha's days. That way I can look back and see just what she's been up to.

There is very little help out there for parents of a dog like Asha. I can find some information about blind dogs and some about deaf dogs, but very little about blind AND deaf dogs. Quite honestly, its been a struggle. I've felt hopeless and alone. I've been worried about our future and Asha's future. There is no doubt that we love her and that she loves us. We committed to her when we brought her home and so we owe it to her to do all that we can to give her a great life.

There have been two main issues with Asha. The first is actually the cause of the second. She has extreme anxiety and that results in barking. Lots and lots of barking. We could not figure out how to settle her down and how to quiet the barking. Believe me, we tried just about anything you could think of.

Its actually not just the barking - she runs and barks. So she'll run into the front room and bark or at bedtime, she'll run into the bathroom and bark. I started to leash her up and tie her to me when I'd get home at night - that way she wouldn't run. When she runs, its hard to get a hold of her and settle her down. I figured if she was close to me, she wouldn't need to bark so much.

That worked, for a while....then just like everything else we have tried...it stopped working. She'd stay by me but she'd chew through the leash or she'd play tug of war or she would cry.

We tried just letting her bark it out. When we go upstairs in the mornings to workout, she'll bark for a few minutes then settle down. We tried that the rest of the times too. That gets really annoying and once she starts running and barking she just gets wound up.

She was having a really tough time sleeping at night. She'd fall asleep and then wake up, startled, every couple hours. About a month ago, I started to sleep on the bathroom floor with her. I found that if I could touch her as soon as she woke up, she would calm down and go right back to sleep. The last straw with her anxiety came one night when she would not calm down. I was right there with her all night. She was panting really hard, her little heart beating SO fast. She was up all night long, went out a bunch of times to pee, didn't need food or water. She was so upset and I felt really bad for her. The next day, I called our vet and asked about anti- anxiety medication. She suggested something for Asha that could take the edge off while we did some behavior modification therapy. She also commented that kind of stress can have long term affects on a dog's health.

I did lots of reading about the medication she prescribed. Its basically prozac for dogs. There was quite a bit of information about it - people said that it really helped their animals. There were, of course, lots of people who commented that it was wrong to give that kind of medicine to a dog and that owners just needed to spend more time with their pets, give them more attention, love them more. I felt guilty for giving her the medicine. I wondered if we are failing her, if we should be doing something different, if someone else would do better for her.

We started her on the medicine just over two weeks ago. We also started weekly sessions with a dog trainer who comes to our house to work with us and all three dogs. In the past two weeks, we have made significant progress. I am no longer sleeping on the floor with Asha. She has started to sleep through the night. I hear her wake up, she gets up and moves to a different spot, then goes right back to sleep. In the evenings, she'll come into the TV room with us and after she plays with Maggie and Buster (often against their will), she lays down on the floor and relaxes until bedtime. She NEVER did this before. She would either lay down in the kitchen or run and bark ALL evening long.

We were walking her three times a day in an effort to exhaust her and get rid of all that anxious energy. We now walk her two times a day. She is really great on walks. She does try to herd us and nips at our heels, but she isn't nervous or afraid - she never has been - she is SO trusting.

Since she started her medicine, she hasn't peed or pooped in the house while we are away from home. She also isn't chewing on things like she was before. I used to come home to kitchen chairs turned over and chewed on, the kitchen rug balled up in the living room. It was always something. Every night I'd come home after a couple hours away and there would be two or three puddles of pee, a pile or two of poop, remnants of whatever she had chewed to pieces that day and in the middle of it all....a sleeping Asha who would immediately wake up and start barking. We didn't kennel her because she would literally scream when we put her in the kennel.

That was enough to make me feel like I was having a nervous breakdown. The other two dogs go right upstairs into their kennels when we leave home. We are going to work on crate training her with our trainer. I want her to be able to tolerate being in a kennel, that way if she needs to be at the vet or travel in the car she will be okay.

Now, when I get home at night, Asha is asleep or she is just laying down, relaxing.

I let her out and she goes to the bathroom, then comes back and wants to either play with Maggie and Buster or she stays by me while I do my chores. I've started to keep treats in my pocket to keep her close to me. When she sits and is calm, I'll give her a treat. Sometimes she just stands next to me and looks up at me like this....

The trainer has really given me hope that we can make a difference. She has give us homework and we have been doing the homework. Sometimes successfully and sometimes, as in a prior post you may have read, unsuccessfully. But we continue to keep working on it, knowing there will be good days and bad days.

She still does her barking thing in the morning. She hasn't settled down at that time of day yet, but she is still a puppy - just 8 months old. So we really can't expect too much from her!

The dog trainer who comes to our house has a lot of experience with Australian Shepherds. Even though she hasn't worked with a blind/deaf one before, she knows a lot about the breed and she has been doing research on dogs like Asha. We have already been able to use her suggestions on all three of the dogs. We have seen a tremendous improvement in Maggie and some issues we were having with her. Now that Asha is settling down a little, she is able to learn much easier than when she was so panicked.

Sometimes, we still lose our patience with her and we get frustrated. Usually she is also losing her patience with us and frustrated too. Sometimes we get mad, sometimes she gets mad. We don't always know what she wants, sometimes it takes us too long to figure it out. That's one of the reasons I started keeping the journal so that we can keep track of what she does and how we respond so that we can find a pattern of what works and what doesn't work.

Every once in a while, I remember that she cannot see and she cannot hear. I try to imagine how that would be. I ask Buster "what would you do if you couldn't see or hear me?" He looks at me like this...Because he can't imagine that either.

I do my best to be calm and gentle with her, to give her things that will make her mind work, things that will appeal to her other senses of smell and touch. I try to always let her know that its okay and she doesn't need to worry about a thing, that it may be confusing sometimes, but we'll never leave her side and she'll never be alone.

She loves Buster and Maggie - Maggie especially. She looks high and low for that dog and will play with her any chance she gets. When we are on a walk, she wants to walk by Maggie. She wants Maggie to be her best friend, but Maggie already has a best friend - Buster - and she isn't ready to change that. Its an interesting dynamic.

Asha is growing so fast, moving through her puppyhood. The trainer told us that Australian Shepherds usually settle down at about a year or 18 months old, so eventually, she'll have less energy to expend. We look forward to those days!

People always say that we are good people for taking on such a challenge. Trevor and I laugh about that and say that we don't want to be good people, we want peace and quiet, we want to sleep through the night and we want our stuff to remain unchewed. I don't care about being a good person, I care about doing the best I can for this sweet little creature who came into our lives. When things get particularly stressful, Trevor and I will argue about who found Asha and who's idea it was to have her come live with us. I blame him, he blames me. No one wants to take responsibility for the mayhem that has ensued!

The truth is that thinking about Asha sometimes makes me cry. I think about the fate of her brothers and sisters, how they never got a chance at life. I think about the increasing moments of joy that are peppered between the moments of confusion and anxiety. I think of her little tail wagging when she realizes her family is near. I think about how much she loves strangers and treats and toys, how she looks for the cats under the bed when we go upstairs at night. I think of how she looks at me in the light of the laundry room - the only place where she can actually see us - its obvious that the light in that room allows her to make out our shapes and she will just stare. I think of her growing old with Maggie and Buster. I think of how forgiving and loving she is. And I think about the confines of her world and how she goes forward into every day with pure energy. She doesn't know any different. When she is sleeping and I can tell she is dreaming, I always wonder what she dreams about? If you can't see or hear, what do you dream?

I love her. With all of my heart and soul, I love her. Just like I love the others. All I want for her is a safe, healthy, long, calm life. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so and that is what we are building for her and really for all of us.

Portland Marathon spectator's report

2011-10-10T15:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the Portland Marathon. Trevor and I like to head downtown and cheer our friends. We did it last year and had a great time. We decided we'd go again this year and take all three dogs with us. Buster and Maggie run with us during the week - usually 5 or 6 miles. We kept telling them how some people would be running 26.2 miles, Maggie kept saying she didn't want to run a marathon. We set her mind at ease and told her we were just going to watch!

We all piled into the car around 8:30. Our first stop was at Starbucks for a coffee. Then we stopped at my favorite Italian Bakery called DiPrima Dolci - I love that place. We got egg sandwiches on hard rolls and lots of cookies. Perfect food to fuel for marathon spectating!

After we ate, we headed down to about mile 21 on the marathon route. We got the dogs all leashed up. Trevor took Maggie and Buster, I had Asha. Maggie gets nervous around crowds, Buster is always on high alert and Asha just basks in the overwhelming amount of new smells.

We walked backwards along the marathon route, looking for people we knew. We'd stop every now and then. Maggie liked to be walking much more than she liked to be stopped. Asha did great - she'd either sit or lay down when we stopped. Its amazing to me that she doesn't get scared of new places.

People wanted to meet the doggies, to pet them. Other doggies wanted to meet our doggies. Asha was the most open to this. Maggie wasn't so sure and neither was Buster, but Asha....she'd get SO excited when she would smell another dog or sense that a person was close. Lots of people asked about her - what kind of dog she was because they've never seen a white Australian Shepherd. Several people asked if she was albino. We got to tell quite a few people her story and I really like that. Asha loves to educate people about bad breeders and to show people that dogs like her can have a life.

There was a little girl, about 4 or 5, who really wanted to meet Asha. I brought Asha over to her and Asha licked her face. The little girl put her hands up to her face and I thought she was crying, but she was giggling so hard. Asha just kept licking her. It was so sweet.

As we kept walking, Asha was nipping at my heels, I put my water bottle down between her and my legs so she would stop. Instead, she grabbed my water bottle and carried it for about 10 minutes. All the runners passing by kept saying to each other "look at the dog carrying the water!" We were so proud of our little girl. She was just so cute. Maggie was happy to have the attention on someone else, she doesn't like to be looked at. Buster just kept his eyes out to be sure we were all safe.

After a couple hours, we were all getting tired and decided to head back to the car. Asha climbed up front onto Trevor's lap for the ride home. She fell asleep there - Buster and Maggie fell asleep in the back. Just the way we like it!

When we got home, we started a fire and all of us took a long afternoon nap. Asha had a really easy time falling asleep at bed time too. We should do a marathon every weekend!!

1st day of homework gets an F

2011-10-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

I was so excited after our meeting with Jamie, the dog trainer, yesterday. Buster did so great when he was learning to walk with a loose leash. Last night, I walked all three dogs together and while Buster still pulled a little, it was no where near as bad as usual. The leash was even loose a couple times. I felt really good about how things were going to progress.

This morning was our first homework assignment. We are supposed to spend 10-20 minutes per day working on the things that the trainer teaches us. Normally in the mornings we walk all three dogs together. This morning, Trevor was going to take Buster and I was going to take Asha and Maggie. That's how we started. Buster went nuts when I was ahead of him with Asha and Maggie. The garbage truck was going through the neighborhood since it was trash day and it was really loud. Trevor decided he would go one way and I'd go another, hoping that Buster would settle down when we were out of his sight.

Maggie wasn't super happy about the pack being split and Asha must have felt that because she started nipping at my feet and barking. I attempted to stop that behavior. I felt like things were falling apart and was really hoping Trevor and Buster were doing well. I came around the corner and there they were. Trevor said he was out of treats and Buster wasn't getting it today.

I took Buster and kept going, Trevor took Maggie and Asha and went the other way. Buster was not having any of it. He pulled on the leash harder than normal and that was REALLY frustrating to me. I could tell that he was confused because yesterday he did so good and we were so proud. Today, we were upset and he surely didn't know why. I finally gave up and realized that it wasn't our day. None of us are ready to train in those conditions. We need to get Buster totally by himself - other dogs not around and no loud trucks constantly making noise. We need to give him a chance to be successful when there are no distractions before he can handle more 'noise'.

I felt like a failure today, like we'll never see progress. I know that's ridiculous, but I guarantee everyone knows that feeling. It should be so easy, right? We're good doggie parents and we want the right things, we try...so why is it so hard. I know its more about me than it is about them. Really what we need to do it train ourselves and the dogs will just follow.

I told Buster that I was really sorry for being frustrated and not being the best dog mom I could be. He licked my face and told me it was okay, he understands and we'll try again tomorrow. If only everyone was so forgiving. If only I was so forgiving.

First day of school

2011-10-05T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today, Buster, Maggie and Asha had their first day of school. We had a dog trainer come to the house to work with us. She'll visit us once a week, probably forever, until we get things running more smoothly in our house.

Our petsitter recommending this trainer to us. Her name is Jamie and we really like her. She came to meet the dogs last week and then real training started today. I sent her a list of our goals and hoped that she would still show up today! She did show up and told us that our goals were realistic. That was a relief.

With three dogs, our lives can be mayhem. We walk all three of them together two times a day. Buster's biggest issue is the walk. Maggie's biggest issue is that she doesn't come when we call her and Asha's biggest issue is her anxiety.

We have alot to work on. Buster pulls on the leash when we walk him. It makes our walk time very unenjoyable some times. He just pulls and pulls ahead of us. We want him to walk with a loose leash and stay by us. We've tried different things on our own, but have never been able to make any sort of progress. Today we practiced walking for about 20 minutes. By the end of the 20 minutes, Buster was walking with a loose leash. We will need to practice this every day, but I was thrilled to see how fast he learned what we wanted him to do. And my little man was SO proud of himself for learning. He kept looking back at us as if to say "look at me, I'm not pulling!!!"

Then it was Asha's turn. Asha is blind and deaf and so any training we do with her needs to be done with hand signals/touch. We talked about what signals we wanted to use and started to work with her on her running and barking. Asha will run around the house in big circles and bark her little head off. We practiced relaxation with her, calming, soothing touches. And rewards - lots of rewards. She'll take far more work than the others, but that's okay. She has been steadily improving over the last week. She goes to sleep much easier at bed time and sleeps more calmly through the night. She has also started to lay with us while we watch TV in the morning or at night. What a difference that makes!

And finally, Maggie....Maggie does something that drives me NUTS. When you call her, she ignores you. In fact, sometimes I will call her to come in from outside - she will walk to the furthest corner of the yard, sit down and just look at me. When I called her for the trainer to see, she commented that she could totally see Maggie's "screw you" attitude! We did some exercises with Maggie and she was really starting to get it.

I felt so good after our hour with Jamie. It really gave me hope that we can see improvement. I do believe that the dogs will be happier when they are better behaved and we will certainly be happier. In the last week, I can tell that Asha is much happier. She is more calm and relaxed. There is nothing better than having all three dogs lay with me at the end of a long day. Before, she would run and bark and be anxious during that time of day and it was tough on us all. The other night, Asha was laying at my feet, Maggie was on the couch next to me and Buster was laying on my lap. I looked down at them all and thought "this is the life". I wanted to cry because I felt so much love.

I am really excited to see what kind of progress we can make. I know that the training is really for me and Trevor. The dogs already know it all!

All my friends take pictures of their kids on the first day of school, so I took pictures of mine...aren't they cute???

Turning into a dog

2011-09-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of Asha back in July when we first brought her home.
And here is a picture of her this morning.
I have noticed that she is really getting big. She sings a little song that goes like this "I'm getting so big. I'm turning into a dog....I'm turning into a dog". And she really is!

When we first brought Asha home, she was 5 months old. She was smaller than Buster and now she is bigger than Maggie! We love watching her grow and can't wait to see what kind of dog she becomes!!

Happy 2 year anniversary to Maggie!!!

2011-09-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today, our sweet girl Maggie came to live with us. Here is the blog I posted when we got her - here . What a crazy two years it has been!

Maggie turned out to be nothing that we expected. We were told that she was part Australian Shepherd, part grey hound. As she grew, we realized that she is mostly pitbull. That is fine with us. We were not looking for a pitbull, we wanted a dog that would run with Trevor. Maggie runs, but not the distances we were hoping for in a new dog.

When Maggie came to live with us, we were not prepared to have a puppy in our house. All our animals were older and had settled down years earlier. Maggie was full of energy and none of us knew what to do with her.

Maggie was also very timid and afraid of everything. The first month we had her, she would not go out into the yard by herself. When she needed to go to the bathroom, one of us would have to go outside and actually stand in the middle of the yard with her so she would not be afraid.

We walked her and ran her. She would go with us on our Sunday runs. We'd do a couple "Maggie miles" before our long runs. Maggie would stay in the car while we ran. She went everywhere with us.

Maggie had some anxiety issues and those were manifested in destructive chewing. Maggie destroyed everything - the inside of our car, our couches, every toy she ever touched, blankets....if she was near it, she destroyed it. We were slow learners and finally started to kennel her when she was alone in the car. The final straw was when she tore out the entire back flooring of the car and the wires that connected the fuel pump. My car wouldn't start. Trevor came and spliced the wires back together. Then, while I was driving, Maggie was in the back seat chewing on the wires again and the car died because she chewed through them. Oh Maggie!!!

Luckily, neither of us cared about our stuff, we just wanted to be sure she was safe. We took her to the dog park to socialize her, we did puppy obedience classes, we took her every social place we could to get her used to being around people.

About six months after we got Maggie, Buster came to live with us and he really brought her out of her shell. She gained so much confidence from being the resident dog and showing a new pup the way we do things. She still gets nervous around new people, but she's getting better.

This doggie is the sweetest, snuggle bug ever. She just wants to be next to us. She loves to lay on the couch, curl up next to us and have the blanket put over her head. She likes to be covered up.

She can run through the yard faster than any dog I have ever seen. It makes me believe she may actually be part greyhound!

Maggie has turned into a really nice, happy dog. She smiles, literally, when she sees us. Its the craziest thing, but when we get home and she sees us, she will run to us, tail wagging and big smile on her face. She and Buster run with us a couple times a week. She does good unless its warm out, then we have to go slower. She's very sensitive to the heat.

We love Maggie. She has been a great addition to our family, she entertains us with all her little quirks. We can't imagine a life without her and I can't believe she's been part of our family for two years now. She's growing up fast and we are trying to enjoy every minute.

With me for life

2011-09-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

When I was 19, I got a small tattoo on the inside of my ankle. I got that tattoo to feel grown up. I had always followed the rules and this was a chance to break the rules. I was so proud of my little flowers and heart. Over the years I often forgot it was even there. About two years ago, I wanted to get another tattoo. I had considered it for years but could never think of what I would want on my body forever. After a lot of thought, it came to me. I wanted something to symbolize our pets.

I love our pets. Our world revolves around them. We do not have human children, we have animal children. When I was thinking of getting a tattoo, I wanted something with meaning, something I knew I would never regret. A tribute to our animals fit those requirements.

For about a year, I had been paying attention to other people's tattoos. When I saw one that I really liked, I would ask them who did their tattoo. The answer was always the same - Atlas Tattoo. I'd say there were 4 or 5 people who we asked. They all saw different artists, but all at the same place. I made an appointment with the owner, Dan. Then I just needed to find reference material and figure out exactly what I wanted.

I decided that I would do flowers - one for each of the pets. I searched for just the right ones. I am very happy with what I chose. When I got the original tattoo, we had seven pets - Gus, Roxie, Wookie, Opal, Daisy, Norwyn (whom we call Tuna) and Maggie. Last year, I added Buster and just this past weekend I added Asha. When I first got the flowers - they were all seperate. When I added Asha, we added some leaves to tie them all together. I am just as in love with my tattoo as I am with our pets. Here's how it looks.....

Gus/Roxie and Buster: Gus is the orange lily - lilies are my favorite flower and Gus was orange. He is surrounded by baby's breath - that's for Roxie. We call her baby and she LOVED Gus. She thought he was her mama. Then the venus fly trap is Buster. Buster chases flies every where and sometimes when he smells something great, he make this chomping noise.
Opal: We always called her the "tan dog they call red" - she was a Red Heeler, but she was really tan. We believe that Opal comes to visit with our current pets - they always say "a little red cloud told me..." This red rose has a little ant on top of it - that is for DJ, a mouse we had for a very brief time. As silly as it may sound, we loved that mouse and I cried when she died.
Daisy and Norwyn: Daisy is the blue daisy - her flower covered up the tattoo I got when I was 19. Norwyn is a tuna cactus flower - because we call him Tuna.
Maggie: This is a Maggie Rose
Wookie and Asha: Wookie is the purple fluffy flower. One time I drew a picture of Wookie and I used a purple crayon and made him super furry. We always called him the furry purple dog. Wookie visits our current pets too and they tell us "a big purple ghost said..." Then, there is Asha - a pink Asha flower with a blue center for her blue eyes.
Saturday night when I was getting my tattoo, I thought a lot about the pets who are gone - Gus, Wookie and Opal. Tattoos hurt, no matter what anyone says, they hurt. While I was trying to keep my mind off the pain, I thought of our sweet babies. It made me really sad to think how much I miss them and how long they've been gone. It always makes me feel incredibly glad that I will have a part of them with forever. Tattoos aren't for everyone and if you don't like them, don't get one. I love my tattoos. I love looking at them and thinking about our babies and I really love when people ask what my tattoo means. It gives me the chance to talk about our pets - past and present.

I am hoping that I don't need to add another flower for at least10 years. I want the ones we have now to live long healthy lives. And as Trevor and I grow old, I want to look down at my leg, remember all the ones who came into our lives and how lucky we were to be able to love them.

24 hours

2011-09-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

Asha just completed the best 24 hours of her life with us! We've gone an entire day with no peeing or pooping in the house, no ceaseless barking and a full night of sleep. Thank you Jesus! We are hoping this streak continues and becomes business as usual.

The last two months have been exhausting for us. We hadn't been sleeping through the night, we were constantly up with Asha. There was no rest on the couch in the mornings or in the evenings, we were constantly chasing Asha around to get her to stop barking. Every time we came home, there was a mess to clean up. We were feeling really frustrated and it was hard to be patient with her because we were so tired. I was feeling like we were in way over our heads and wasn't sure how we were going to make it work. I knew we would, I just couldn't see any sort of hope. I was feeling helpless and sad.

Last week, Asha was a guest blogger. You can read her post here. It was therapuetic to read that. It really helped me see things from Asha's point of view. Here is this little creature who cannot see or hear, all she has is us. I thought of how frustrated she must be and how she certainly wants to be calm and relaxed. She certainly wants to sleep and be in a stress free environment. That really helped me to realize the importance of being patient with her.

I started sleeping on the floor with her at night so that when she wakes with a start, I can touch her. I know I won't have to do it forever, just until she starts to feel more safe. We've stopped bringing toys up with us at bedtime. We've started walking her three times a day. Believe me, I would rather lay on the couch and do nothing, but she needs the exercise and the mental stimulation of getting out of the house. So we walk. What a difference. When we go to bed, she lays down on the bathroom floor with me and I massage her back. After about a minute, she is asleep. She gets up and moves a few times a night, but she doesn't go crazy and she doesn't need to go out to pee.

One of the biggest issues we have is that she runs into the front room and barks like crazy. Then she runs the circle from the front room to the kitchen to the foyer. And barks. We chase her down. On Sunday, I started putting a leash on her and tying it to me. She goes everywhere with me now and can't run into the front room unattended. She is much more calm and so am I.

We haven't really been able to give her a toy while we are all on the couch because Maggie is very possessive about toys. If another one of the dogs has a toy she wants to take it and gets angry if they even look at her while she has a toy. We've really been working on this and letting her know its not okay. Last night, all 3 dogs were able to chew on toys in the same room while we watched TV. Asha wore herself out playing with her toy. And THAT is what we need.

I don't know if this is fluke or if we are moving into a new phase. She's not as destructive now that we are exercising her more. When its time for a walk I always say "time to walk it out Asha". I know all this changing surely has more to do with us than with her. I am sure she sensed the aggravation and frustration.

Sunday was a busy day for Asha. She had a follow up appt at the vet. We gave her a bath ahead of time. She is SO fluffy when she is clean. She layed down and slept after her bath, while her fur was wet, and now she has bedhead on her butt. The fur there is sticking up in all different directions. It is really cute!

We took Maggie and Buster with us to the vet, because we go everywhere as a family. Asha just loves people, so she was very excited to be around the vet and the vet techs. She had to get some shots and when they held her to put a needle in her shoulder, she SCREAMED. Within a minute, she looked like this: She forgives quickly.

Buster is very jealous at the vet. He can't stand anyone looking at anyone but him. He says "look at me! What about me?! Does this look okay to you?" The vet always looks in his ears so he feels like he is getting examined too. Maggie just lays there nervous about the whole situation.

I am sure we are not out of the woods yet, Asha is still a puppy and still needs much attention and training. I am feeling much more in control of our household and that is good for all of us.

Champoeg Half Marathon Race Report

2011-09-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since we've done JUST a half marathon. That sounds silly, I know, but its true. The last time I did a stand alone half marathon was two years ago. We've really been focused on longer distances - marathons, triathlons, etc. So when Trevor suggested we do this race, I was pretty excited.

Our friend Brian from Energy Events puts this race on. He took it over from another management company and was looking forward to putting his touch on it. We have partnered quite a bit with Brian, he is the one who put on the Vancouver USA Marathon (I was the volunteer coordinator for that), but we've never actually done one of his races. We are training for the Columbia Gorge Marathon on October 23rd, so this was a good training run for us.

The nice thing about the race is that the start time was 9:00. It was about a 45 minute drive to get to the park. This would allow us to follow our normal morning routine. With the addition of Asha to our family, routine is very important.

We got up at 5:30, as usual. We had breakfast and took the dogs for their usual walk. My legs were feeling tight and sore. Sleeping on the floor was catching up to me and I was concerned how the day would go. I wanted to do the race in under 2 hours. My previous best half marathon was 2 hours and 9 minutes - that was about 6 years ago. My most recent half marathon was 2 hours and 20 minutes.

We got out of the house at 7:40, 10 minutes later than planned, but I figured we would have plenty of time to get where we were going. It was raining when we left home and I wasn't too happy about that!!!

We arrived at Champoeg Park at 8:20. Brian let us park right by the start/finish line. Front row parking, you can't beat that!! We caught up with our friends Jo, Trish and Greg. We don't get to do too much with our friends anymore because of our schedules, so I was really excited to have the opportunity to race with these guys today!

Before I knew it, it was time to start our race. Trevor and I kissed goodbye - we both had goals for the day. We wanted to run faster than we've ever run before. I wasn't nervous, I just wanted to get going. It wasn't a huge crowd and I liked that. I don't do well when there are too many people around.

The horn sounded and off we went. I settled into my pace right off the bat. I wanted to run a 9:05 per mile pace. My first three miles were right on. Then, for some reason, my pace slowed to a 9:10. I felt like I was pushing hard enough and didn't want to completely blow it out by trying to get any faster. We ran a beautiful path through the park, along the river. It was pretty flat, only a few little hills. I powered up the hills, I didn't want to lose any speed.

Around mile 6, I noticed that the mile markers were about 1/4 off from what my GPS said. I figured they would catch back up later in the race. As someone who has measured routes before, I know that unless you get the course certified, it is impossible to be dead on.

The second part of the route was an out and back, which I love because that means I get to see my friends. We came out of the park and onto a country road. Just before the turn around I saw Trevor. I made the turn around and then got to see my pals - Trish, Greg and Jo. I love them.

I was still right around 9:10. I was doing the math in my head and I knew that would going to put me dangerously close to the 2 hour mark. I also knew that if the mile markers didn't catch back up and the route was long, I wouldn't make my 2 hour goal. I picked up the pace as best I could. My water bottle was just about empty, but there was no way I could afford the time to stop and refill it at the 10.5 mile water station.

I really hauled ass the last couple miles. It felt like it was downhill, which was nice. This last part of the course was back through the park. It had started to drizzle and it felt good. I was zipping along at an 8:30 pace - guess I could have gone a bit faster earlier if I had two miles at that pace left in me! I crossed a long wooden bridge and saw my pal Brian. He asked "how's the route"....I yelled back "awesome!" and it was. I know just about all of Brian's crew and it was so fun to see them all out on the route and have them cheer for me by name. Every time I needed a pick me up, I'd see one of their smiling faces and get a high five.

I came around the corner and saw the turn off of the path towards the finish line. The last tenth of a mile was on the grass. I looked at my watch and knew that I was going to be so close to the under 2 hour goal. I saw Trevor waiting for me and as I approached him I threw my water bottle to him so that I could use all my energy to get across the line. I sprinted across the finish line and my watch said 2:00. Depending on how the chip timing went, it could go either way - either 1:59 something or 2:00 something. I was really hoping it would be under 2. But I was still really happy with my time. A personal best!

We walked around a bit to cool down. Trevor had a good race - he finished in 1 hour and 45 minutes, a personal best for him too! We went and got some yummy teriyaki that they had for the finishers. We ate that while we waited at the finish line for Trish, Greg and Jo. We talked with Brian about the course and what a great time we had. The official times came out and mines was 2:00:31. damnit. That will haunt me.

Our friends crossed the line, we hung out with them for a bit. We have been so busy lately that we don't get to see them as much as we would like and so it was a special treat to be with them today.

This has been a year of personal bests - the marathon, that half ironman and now the half marathon. I spent so many years just chugging along at a comfortable pace. Its really been fun to push harder and see what I've got in me. It was also really fun to do an event that didn't take an enormous toll on my body. I was sore and tired, but not completely spent like I am from our events that take 4 hours or more.

We stopped and got coffee on the way home, ordered a pizza and tried to sleep on the couch, but a certain someone named Asha wouldn't allow it. The day ended with some Yocream. It was a good, good day.

Guest Blogger....Asha again!

2011-09-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

Its been about a month since my last guest post and I've got lots to say, so mom is letting me write another blog entry. Here's my last one....
here

This last month has been crazy. My mom and dad are still trying to figure me out and I know its been tough for them. I'm blind, deaf AND a puppy! I am really lucky that they love me like they do and they keep telling me that its a good thing I am cute.

First things first, since my last post, I had a couple more seizures. Now I take medicine for epilepsy and its been almost 4 weeks since my last episode. I take a pill twice a day. My mom hides it in treats, sometimes I find it and spit it out, but she makes me sure that I swallow it even if she has to give me two or three more treats!

I am getting bigger and that means its easier for me to get into things. I can get up on the counter now and get just about anything that's up there. One day, my mom left a frying pan in the sink. When she got home, she found it in the living room. I'm pretty strong.

I get bored really easy and I am always looking for something to entertain me. Mom and Dad have gotten me all kinds of toys and food puzzles. Since I am so smart, I've figured them all out and after a about 20 minutes, I am looking for something else to keep me busy. I've found some really fun things like the wood molding along the sliding glass door, the blinds in the front room, the wooden end table and even the carpet. There is an endless supply of stuff to chew on. I've noticed lately there aren't as many things on the counter and there is never anything in the sink anymore.

Bedtime has really been a challenge for all of us. At first, mom and dad brought me all kinds of treats and toys at bedtime to keep me busy, but that's stopped. Mom says that bedtime is time for sleep not playtime. I'm learning that now. We've gone two nights with no toys and I'm getting the message. I still spend a little time looking for my toys because you never know.

I get scared at night. I'll be asleep and then all of a sudden I wake up. I jump up and bark really loud. Next thing I know, my mom or dad is there to touch me and tell me to lay down. I'm usually so upset that I can't do that. We went a lot of nights without sleep. Around midnight or 2 am, I want to go out and go to the bathroom. I go to the bedroom door and bark, that always wakes someone up!

The last few nights, my mom has been sleeping on the bathroom floor with me and I really like that. I wake up and she's there - I don't need to be scared. So I get up and find a different place to lay, then I go right back to sleep. Last night, mom got 8 hours and sleep and let me tell you - she's a lot nicer when she gets rest! I'll have to remember that.

Usually when my mom gets home from work, I am just starting to melt down. So she comes home and I immediately start barking. I can't help it, I know she hates that and doesn't know what to do, but neither do I. Last week we changed our routine. Now, when mom gets home, she takes me, Buster and Maggie for a long walk. That helps me get some of my energy out and gives her a chance to decompress. Then she brings me along with her while she's doing her chores. We go upstairs together. There, we wash her face and change her clothes. Then we go back downstairs and clean up my mess from the day! I lay at her feet while she gets lunches ready for the next day. I bark alot less because I have stuff to do.

We've also been walking every morning. Maggie is losing weight! I can tell when I wrestle with her that she doesn't weigh so much. I love going for walks! I do so well on the leash. Sometimes when we are walking, I smell a person coming the other way and I always want to meet them. Sometimes I get to, sometimes I don't. I get mad when I don't get to meet them and then I misbehave a bit, just to show mom and dad that I'm not happy!

On Sunday night, we started ANOTHER new thing. We walk right before bed time. I think they are trying to exhaust me. And you know what? Its working!! The last two nights, I've gotten up on the couch with mom and taken a nap while we watch TV. Usually, I run around and bark. I know they hate that, but I can't help it!

I feel bad for my mom and dad. They want to do what's best for me, but its tough. No one really has advice for them because no one has a dog like me. They try all different things, some work, some don't work. I'm just 7 months old, so I am still a puppy. Someday I'll be a dog and they'll forget all this crazy stuff, right? From what I hear, Maggie was a challenging puppy and she's turned into a great dog! Except when she has a bone or a treat, she doesn't like anyone to get near it! Especially me! Mom and Dad are working with her on that. But if she gets mad, she always apologizes.

I know its hard to imagine not being able to see or hear. It limits the things that can occupy my attention. My mom, dad, Buster and Maggie are my whole world. I like it best when I am with them. I know they'll figure out exactly what it is that I want. They can't be with me all the time so I need to figure out how to entertain myself without destroying everything we own!We turned a corner this week, now that we are sleeping better, everything seems easier. Mom is more patient and she keeps saying that is what I was sent here to teach her. I'm doing my best :) I promised my mom that things would get more manageable as I got older.

I cannot tell you how much I love my family. And you could never imagine how much they love me. Sometimes I think its a dream, but in a dream, my mom wouldn't make me get off the counter....

September 11th

2011-09-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't have a chance to do a Sept 11th post due to our event this past weekend. So this is a couple days late.

Since this is the 10th anniversary of the terror attacks of 9/11/2001, its a bigger deal than in previous years. There have been a ton of shows on TV about it. Usually, they play the same programs year after year. I always watch them, even though I've seen them. Every time I see that second plane crash into the tower, it shocks me. I always try to remember the shock that came that day when you didn't know that second plane was coming. This year, they had some new shows and I'll admit, I was obsessed. I could not get enough of the personal stories about 9/11.

I think its easier to not know the specifics of what went on in those towers after the attacks. It is too hard to wrap your mind around what those people actually went through. To think of being in that hell, of trying to get out, of not knowing that those building would crumble. Or worse yet, to be in those buildings and realize that you were not getting out. To be on one of those planes and realize that you were going to die that day. To be a spouse who gets a phone call from your husband or wife, calling to say goodbye because they are on a plane that has been hijacked or because they are on the 100th floor and have realized there is no way out.

There was one show that we watched that I cannot get out of my head. It was called "Hereos of the 88th floor". It was a story of what happened on and around the 88th floor of the first tower hit. There were two men who took charge and helped get many people out of the building. They worked on the 88th floor. Sadly, they died that day, but they saved tens of people.

There was one story that stuck with me. I can't get it out of my mind and it actually makes me angry. The people from the 88th floor were telling their story. They talked about a secretary who worked with them. She was quite overweight and she had asthma. As everyone started to make their way down the 88 flights of stairs, she was really having a hard time. Several of her coworkers stayed with her, helping her down the stairs. According to them, she was having a hard time breathing and kept sitting down and telling everyone to go ahead without her.

The stories continued of the struggle to get out of the building, the crowding of the stair way, the swaying of the tower when the other tower fell (they didn't know that's what it was), the firefighters going up the stairs. Eventually, there was only one man left with the secretary. He said that she was drenched in sweat, he kept telling her that he'd stay with her, not to worry and to keep moving. He said she kept sitting down and telling him to go on without her. There were somewhere around the 10th floor, maybe below, I don't remember exactly. He said that 5 firefighters came down the stairs and told him they would carry her out and he should go ahead. He said "no, I told her I would stay with her". One of the firefighters grabbed him and said "this building is coming down and if you don't go, I will throw you down the stairs".

He ran and he made it out alive. The secretary did not. Neither did those five firefighters. You can talk about bravery and heroism all you want, but there are 5 families who have a hole now because of this woman. Not to mention her family. And what about the people who stayed with her, trying to help her and then eventually went on to save themselves. What type of guilt do those people live with? It makes me angry because her disregard for her health resulted in her death and the death of others who were willing to die to save her. Some people have disabilities or diseases that cannot be prevented, that cannot be cured and there is nothing to be done. Obesity is not one of those. If you are going to work on the 88th floor, you damn well better be able to walk down 88 flights of stairs. If you can't, you are putting your life and the life of others at risk. Everyone deserves to live, but why should someone risk their life to save you when you won't save yourself? Our of all the tragedy that day, this one really sticks with me. This may be the most senseless of deaths. I don't think we even realize how our choices could possible affect others. Probably not the lesson most people took from that show, but I believe it is an important one. Someday, your health my be all you've got. Take care of it. You never know when you'll need to run for your life.

We'll never forget. Impossible to believe its been 10 years.

Max Muscle Vancouver Triathlon/Duathlon Race Report

2011-09-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

This race report is from the race director!! I would really have loved to participate in this event, but I had too many duties as the race organizer!

I swear, time really gets away from me and before I knew it, this event was on top of us. So much goes into an event like this and much of it happens at the last minute, you just can't do some things ahead of time.

We had been preparing for this event for a while, but the last week things kick into high gear. There are always little crisis items that arise and must be dealt with. This event was no exception.

In the last two weeks, our entries sky rocketed. We were up around 150, which was almost twice what we had last year.

The event is USA Triathlon sanctioned, meaning there are rules we need to follow. That is also how we get our event insurance. Part of the sanction requires water quality testing. Last year, Parks and Recs had the water tested every week over the summer and I had access to those results. I expected it would be the same this year. We pay close to $1000 to use the park and for participant parking fees. This is a bone of contention for me, but there isn't much we can do about it.

I had emailed my contact at the parks over a week earlier and asked for water quality results. Wednesday night before the event, I got an email back from him saying that due to budget cuts, the water testing was discontinued. Uhh.....this is a pretty big deal, our insurance would be void if we didn't have that water quality test. I emailed him back asking how I could get that water tested in time. Since I knew his response time was slow and he has been historically unhelpful, I took it upon myself to find someone to help me. I found a contact from the health department who was responsible for testing other waters in the county. I emailed him and left him a voice mail explaining my predicament. The next morning, he called me back and said he had contacted the lab and they would rush the results for me. He was going out to take samples. It was going to cost us $150, but it had to be done. Later in the day, I got an email from my guy at the parks and rec telling me that there was no way to get the water tested in time. I emailed back to let him know that the health department guy was helping me. The parks guy said "I wonder how he got the lab to get results in time". Guess what dude, its called he asked. That really made me angry.

Friday morning came and I got the call from the health department - the lab had done the wrong test and so he was going back out to take more samples and have them rush the results. I wouldn't have them until Saturday morning. Okay, now we are cutting it a little close. I was having chest pain all day Thursday and Friday, probably because of this. When I finally emailed my swim director this info, he said "Holy shit....that's a big deal....we have to test results".

We did the packet pick up on Friday and Saturday. For the first time at any of our events, I called in help for packet pick up. It is extremely difficult for me to delegate. I trust no one. In the interest of my sanity, I needed to let go. And I did. You know what....it was GREAT!!! I was so much more relaxed having someone else do all those things. I was able to work on other last minute details instead of stressing about the packets. Oh and good news, I got the call Saturday morning from the health department and the water was totally safe!!

Saturday night is when the rubber really meets the road. We had to get all our set up ready to go early on Sunday morning. Trevor went down to the park and met with our set up crew. About 5 volunteers who would be there Sunday morning at 5 am to set up the transition area and start/finish. The amount of shit needed to put on a triathlon is really ridiculous. We were fortunate to have a friend from another event company loan us alot of things we needed like fencing and coolers. That made it much easier.

The weather was supposed to be in the upper 90s on Sunday. I was really concerned about that. I wanted to be sure we had enough water and ice. The biggest logistical issue was one of the water stations on the run course. It is 1.5 miles down a closed park path. I was able to use my car to get the water down there at 5 am, but if we needed more during the event, it would have to be carried down there.

Saturday night while Trevor was down going over transition with the guys, I was making numbers for the bike racks, printing out a final parking list and loading the car. We went to bed around 9:30 and every hour were awakened by a barking Asha. I got no sleep. When the alarm went off at 3:45, I was already awake. I both love and hate this time on event day. I hate it because I don't want to get up at 3:45. I love it because it means the wheels are in motion and stuff is getting done. Plus it will be over soon.

My job on race day is course marking and set up. I drive around and put out cones and chalk mark the ground to tell participants where to go. This is my favorite part of the day - its so calm and quite out there and its time to myself before the craziness of the day. This day, however, it was stressful. I got a late start and then had to run a key back to Trevor, so I was hauling ass to get it done in time. I was putting out one cone at a dark country road corner and I heard some jingling. I look over and there was cow, looking over a fence at me about 3 feet away. I said "cow, you are going to see some action today".

I made it back to the park around 6:30. Registration was going to open at 7 and I needed to get that all set up. The guys were making quick work of the transition area and it was all coming together nicely. The sun was just coming up over the pond. Again, very peaceful among all the activity. This is when time starts to fly. It was 6:30 and before I knew it, the park would be full of people waiting to start their event.

I was feeling pretty good about things, we had lots more help this year than we did last year and things were moving along without issue.

Participants started showing up and you could feel the energy and excitement in the air. There were a lot of beginners at this event and I could sense their anxiety. I know that feeling all too well! I tried to greet everyone and make them feel comfortable, all the while, running around with the last minute changes and details.

Our friend Doug was the swim director and that took about 1000 pounds of worry off my shoulders. I loved that I didn't have to think about that at all. He had it covered.

We had 5 different events going on - 3 distances of triathlons and 2 distances of duathlons (bike/run - no swim). Start times were staggered and it was important that we coordinated and ran it all smoothly.

Start time for the first race was 8:30. At 8:15, I grabbed the microphone to do a briefing - giving details about the race. About half way through my talk, the microphone died. What to do now? I couldn't find my timing guy - he was the one in charge of the mic. What to do? One of the race participants picked up a big orange cone and said "use this". So I did. You have to improvise, right? I yelled through the cone like a megaphone. I was almost done and the timing guy came over and was like "why aren't you using the microphone?" He changed the batteries and it was working again. Whew. I finished the briefing and got that first group over to the water to start.

After this, its really just a whirlwind. The three races started, people headed out for their bike rides, came back and went for their runs. I was announcing the finish line, that's always my job. I try to say something personal about as many people as I can - things I found out about them during packet pick up or customers I know. I really like the feeling of connection when they come across the finish line. It makes me feel a part of their success.

It was really starting to get hot out. I was worried we wouldn't have enough water. Sure enough, I got a text from one of our water stations that they didn't think they would have enough water. Looking at our finish area, I didn't think we'd have enough water either. So begins the scramble....we sent people to get water and then had to get it the 1.5 miles out on the path. We had some great volunteers who ran that distance with three gallon jugs of water and with cases of water. After the bit of panic, we got it all covered and every participant had water when they went past an aid station. We did not run out.

We had just over 130 participants cross the finish line. Some were first timers, some were seasoned veterans - Ironman finishers. The group is so diverse, its fun to watch. So many familiar faces and many more new ones that we'll see over and over in future years.

In the week before an event, I always ask myself why we do this. There is so much to do, so much to deal with, so many sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, unexpected bumps. At those times it does not seem worth it. Like when the event shirts end up costing three times what we expected. We say "we won't do this again next year". Then the starting gun goes off and that all changes. By the end of the day I find myself saying "I love this. I can't wait for next year". That's what I said on Sunday.

After that's all done, the work continues. The last finisher crossed the line about 12:30. It took several hours to break things down and get them home. We tried to relax on the couch for a bit, but Asha wasn't having that. We took the dogs for a walk around 8:30 and I was literally falling asleep while we walked. Now its over and onto the next thing. I'd say it was a success. That's a good feeling.

Who's idea was this?

2011-09-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, we have decided to do the Columbia Gorge Marathon on October 23rd. We needed to start ramping up our training. The last couple months we have been running, but nothing too long. 13 miles is the furthest we have gone. Yesterday, we made the jump to 18 miles. Gulp.

We got up at our usual time, had breakfast, relaxed with the dogs. Around 7:30 we hit the road. Trevor's pace was going to be about 9 minutes slower than me so I started on the route 9 minutes before him. We figured he would catch up to me around mile 12.

Right from the start, I wasn't really feeling it. I was having a hard time motivating myself. I was pushing my pace and our route was hilly. It was also pretty warm out, even that early. I was holding my pace and doing okay. I was having a hard time staying focused. I kept thinking of ways that I could cut the route short. Around mile 8, I was really not wanting to do the full 18. I was thinking that maybe we should just do the half marathon at the Gorge instead. My pace was right on track so I don't really know what the problem is.

Around mile 11, we had a water/bathroom stop. I stopped and waited for Trevor. I wanted to walk home. Actually, I wanted to lay down in the grass and fall asleep. After about five minutes, Trevor came running up. We walked for a minute and then kept running. It was then that I fell apart. My pace slowed quite a bit. I was glad that we kept moving.

The last two miles were really more than I could handle! There was one big hill around mile 17 and I said to Trevor "I'm walking that hill". We got to the top and ran the last half mile home. When we arrived home I said "why'd you make me run 18 miles" and Trevor reminded me that it was my idea to run the marathon. Damnit, why do I come up with ideas like that.

Oh well. Its over and we did it. There will be many more long runs like that over the next 8 weeks. They have to get easier....right?

A Marathon in 9 weeks

2011-09-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

Last year was full of marathons. In 2010, we did 5 marathons and an Ironman Triathlon, so if you count the marathon at the end of that, then we did 6 marathons. This year, I have done one marathon, Trevor hasn't done any. We did the Rev3 half ironman triathlon in July and have been wandering aimlessly since then. Our workouts don't have a focus like they do when we are training for something. We have decided to do the Vineman full ironman in July, but its not really time to start serious training for that.

I really want to do another marathon this year. The only one that is close enough to home is the Columbia Gorge Marathon on October 23rd. We did this marathon last year and it was an awful day. You can read my race report here. I have brought up the idea of doing this one again and Trevor keeps saying no, he has no interest in doing that one again.

Here is the conversation we had the other day:

Me: I really think we should do the Columbia Gorge Marathon

Trevor: Okay

I guess I wore him down and so now we have decided that we'll do it (unless its a torrential downpour like last year and then we are going to breakfast instead). That means, we need to start training for a marathon. We've been running 3 times a week and our long runs are between 10 and 13 miles. We've got 9 weeks to get that up to 26.2 miles! We'll do 18 on Sunday and that will give us a pretty good indication of how the next 9 weeks will go.

I am actually really excited at the chance to redeem myself on the Gorge course. They've changed it a bit this year and I am interested to see if its any easier. Last year I was so disappointed at the weather. I have dreams of this marathon being run in the crisp fall air under blue skies and falling yellow leaves. That's what I want this year. I guess we'll see on October 23rd. For now...its time to run!!!

Happy Ironmanniversary

2011-08-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I became an Ironman. On August 29, 2010, I completed Ironman Canada in 16 hrs and 26 mins. It was the most challenging and most rewarding day of my life. Physically and mentally, it was more than I ever imagined and it changed who I am.

Yesterday, Trevor and I went out for 13 mile run and it was a tough one. I struggled and was really complaining. About half way through I had to tell myself to stop whining, stop being such a baby. "You are tougher than this" I said to myself. Then, as we were finishing up the last mile, I remembered how it felt that last little bit before I crossed the finish line at Ironman. Here's how I described it in my blog post from last year:

I had thought about how tough this day would be, thought I understood what it was about, thought I knew what people were talking about in their notes, advice and race reports. I can tell you, unless you’ve done this, traveled this journey, you can’t understand. In the next few moments…I understood.

I entered the chute. The spotlight was on me. Thousands of people were cheering, stamping their feet, banging their hands on the barriers that lined the chute. It was exhilarating. I got the chills and the hair on my arms stood on end. They were all there for me. I ran, I smiled, I raised my arms in the air as they put the finishers banner across the line and I ran through it. Done. 16 hours and 30 minutes after I started.

I got my medal, they took my timing chip. I saw Doug and Trevor. Our theme as a team is “We live for Crazy”. I said to them “This is the craziest F*cking thing we’ve ever done”. And it was.

I remembered that feeling and I wanted to cry. That was the best feeling I have ever had in all my life. It washed over me in those few seconds and I felt stronger than ever before. I have been able to carry that feeling with me ever since. I know that I am mentally and physically much tougher than I was before I started that day. I am much less afraid of things in general.

Yesterday, was Ironman Canada 2011. We had a few friends participating and we tracked them all day long. I was envious. I want that feeling again. Trevor and I had decided a while ago that we are going to the Vineman Full Iron Distance Triathlon in July of 2012. I made the hotel reservations today. I am so excited!

Last year, it was really just about finishing. I had suffered a pretty severe arm injury during a crash on my bike a couple weeks before the event and was just happy to be able to complete the day. I know I could have done better, I know I could have finished in a better time and that still bothers me now. I really look forward to improving my time and going into this next event stronger and faster than I have ever been. I also really look forward to doing it all again with Trevor.

I read over my posts from the time around Ironman last year and remember how overwhelmed I was with the outpouring of support and the physical/mental exhaustion I was feeling. It is hard to believe its been a year since then.

It really was the best day of my life and I can't wait to do it again....

I don't like new things

2011-08-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

I am a creature of habit. I like comfort, I don't like new, unfamiliar things. Three years ago, I learned to swim in order to do triathlons. It was the scariest thing I've ever put myself through. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to learn. Last year, I did an Ironman Triathlon - swam 2.4 miles. I was scared to death before the event, but during the actual swim, I was calm and relaxed. It was a very comfortable hour and 40 minute swim and I felt great.

I was slow. I am a slow swimmer and I am okay with that. This summer was the first time I have been able to approach the swim portion of a triathlon without major anxiety. I finally hit my stride.

All that happiness and comfort ended today. We plan to do another Iron distance triathlon next year and I want to be a better swimmer. I want to be a faster, more efficient swimmer. Over the past year, I have really worked on my running and improved my times tremendously. Now for the swim.

Trevor is a very good swimmer. He is confident and fast. Today we went to the pond and he coached me on my swim. I know he was nervous about this because I don't like to be told what to do. I get mean and angry when I am challenged.

I had decided that I was going to remain calm and really work to learn a better stroke. You see - I breath every stroke, always to the right side. I've been lucky that in all my events that has been okay. I know it is just a matter of time until I am in a swim where breathing to the right isn't possible due to water conditions or other swimmers and then I am screwed. I want to learn to bilateral breath every 3rd stroke.

Today was the most challenging swim I had since my first swim lesson. It was hard. I was angry. What made me the most angry was that when I did the new stroke correctly, I could feel how much more efficiently and quickly I moved through the water. When I went back to my old stroke, I felt like I was standing still. So what used to be comfortable was now uncomfortable and what I was trying to learn was also uncomfortable. I couldn't get the breathing rhythm down. I was holding my breath at the end of the stroke and my heart rate was sky rocketing. I had to stop alot. Trevor is such a good coach - so patient. I wanted to yell at him and I think at one point I told him I wanted a divorce. I kept telling myself that I needed to stick with it and it would eventually get easier, probably not today, but eventually.

I told Trevor that I hated it because it was hard. He reminded me of something I already know - the hard is where the progress is made. I do know that is true, but I had gotten into such a nice groove where I could swim forever at my slow and comfortable pace. I feel like I am starting all over again...and really...I am.

We finished up our swim and I was exhausted. I can't wait to practice and see improvement. I like learning new things once they are learned...I look forward to being at that point, because right now its just hard!! Stay tuned...

Forever young

2011-08-25T14:19:00.001-07:00

You may have seen this story on the news - 4 football players from Mainland High school in New Jersey died last weekend when the car they were riding in flipped over. There were 4 more kids in the car with them who survived. It made national news. I have a lot of friends still in New Jersey, many of them are high school teachers. Since the accident, I have seen a lot of facebook posts about it. A couple of my friends either work with a parent or know someone who knows the parents of the kids who died. I have been following the story, watching the facebook page started for them and reading the newspapers.

You can follow the story here

Two of the funerals are today, so the papers all have pictures of the lines outside the churches and funeral homes. Thousands of teenagers waiting to say goodbye to their friends. This brings back memories for me and breaks my heart because I know how those kids feel.

When I was a teenager I lost two friends in accidents. Cathy Marchetta died on April 5, 1991 in a car accident. We were juniors in high school. Bill Lorge died on June 7, 1993 when he was hit by a car. We had just finished our freshman year in college. I remember their viewings and funerals as if they just happened yesterday. I remember the shock at the news and specifically where I was and how I heard. I remember how all our friends just wanted to be together. I remember how our parents just wanted us to be home. I remember the tears, the wailing cries of Cathy and Bill's parents at their viewings. I remember the silence with which our teachers greeted us afterwards - not sure what to say or what to do. They were trying to manage their own grief. I remember the tears cried by my male friends, the strong, silent ones, who broke down in the middle of class - you expect that from your girlfriends, but not so much the boys. I remember seeing Bill's parents years later and not knowing what to say.

Its been over 20 years since Cathy died and close to 20 years since Bill died. I think of the two of them often. I think of them always on the days they died. I thought of them when I graduated college, at our high school reunion, when I got married, when I see other high school friends having kids. I think of them when I hear about high school kids dying and a hundred other times for really no reason at all.

I think of these kids from Mainland now, who are mourning their friends. I know that 20 years from now, they will still miss them. I know that they will never totally heal from the things they will see and hear during these times. And the ones who were in the car and didn't die, I know there will be times when they wish they did.

Without a doubt, I can say that all my high school friends know these same things. I know they are all reliving those days, years ago, when we were the ones standing in line to say goodbye. When we were doing the unthinkable.

These kids died in a tragic accident. There were 8 of them in the car. The reports say the driver wasn't distracted, but anyone who has had 8 people in the car, and lets be honest - we all have, knows that is distracting. It is just stupid. It hits home because we have all done stupid things, both when we were young and probably since we've been grown. Most of us survived despite our stupid decisions. These kids didn't. And that is tragic.

So, now there are four more who will be forever young. Four more who will always be 15, 16 or 17. All their dreams died with them, everything they worked for and hoped for. All the things their families wanted for them. Its all gone

For everyone who knew them and for all the kids who have to walk the halls of Mainland High School this year, life will never be the same. Even the kids who didn't know them will be affected by the change in the air. When something like this happens, the difference is almost palpable. The media will be all over the school. I remember that happened when Cathy died - she had been the third student to die in a short period of time. I hated how there were always stories in the papers about it. Reports always wanting to talk about it. I expect it will be worse for these kids.

Years from now, when they are grown, they will still remember these 4 boys. They'll wonder how their lives would have turned out and they'll still feel the pain of losing someone so young. When they are parents, they will think about how it would feel to lose a child and will have a whole new respect for the parents of the boys who died. They will share this bond with their classmates and friends, just like I do with mine. No matter how far apart they grow over the years, this one thing will always tie them together.

I wish them the strength to be able to move on, not forget, but at least be able to laugh again. It will get easier, but it never goes away.

10 things I learned 5 years ago

2011-08-18T12:23:00.001-07:00

August 19, 2006....Trevor and I got married. Here are 10 very important things that I learned that day.

1. I want to be with Trevor. All the time. He is my best friend. I remember when we were chosing people to be our attendants at the wedding, Trevor said "you are my best friend. I want you to be my best man, but you are the bride".

2. I have a really great family - my family and Trevor's family were awesome. Some people get really nuts about weddings. Our families kept things relatively stress free, they went with the flow, let us do what we wanted and supported us. My sister in law, Nicole and cousin Kristen, took it upon themselves to take care of the table decorations - they went to the farmer's market that morning and bought flowers to put on the tables. I didn't ask them to do it, they just did it. And it was perfect. I looked at those flowers and I felt loved.

3. My lifelong friends - Erin Smith, Megan Crank and Lorraine Toto will travel any distance and time to be there for me. I love them immensely and will always feel honored that they were there with me on the most important day of my life.

4. I do not like being the center of attention as much as I thought I did.

5. Often it is the people you expect the most from who give you the least.

6. When you have a DJ for an event, its important to discuss what you want with them before said event. We had a friend do the DJing and to this day I cringe when I think of how the reception turned into a teenage dance club with flashing lights and pounding bass. At one point, my chest was vibrating from the sound of the bass. That wasn't what I was going for on my wedding day!

7. It is possible for a person to go from being one of my favorite people to one of my least favorite people in a very short period of time. Thanks to Clare Sanders for teaching me that. To this day, he is the only negative memory I have of our wedding day. For bashing my father in law and calling my wedding a "skit", he will forever be on my list of least favorite people.

8. When things don't go according to the plan, it makes for a better story. I don't want a perfect life, I want to be able to laugh at things when they go wrong. For example, when you plan to walk out of your wedding to a song that says "every day of my life has been leading me here tonight, feels like I'm coming home, back to you" and instead this song plays: "Well you packed your bags and said you're leaving tonight, gotta catch the last train to the big city lights...", it is far better to laugh than to be angry. And that's what we did....we laughed. We also laughed when our best man's toast included a comment that caused some in the crowd to gasp. Because what else can you do....

9. The Heathman Hotel in downtown Portland has the most comfortable beds and the shortest robes.

10. It is the small moments that have the most impact. The little things...like holding hands and praying with my maid of honor right before I walked down the aisle (my prayer was "Dear God, please don't let me F*ck this up" - meaning my marriage). My dad seeing me for the first time that day and holding my hand as we walked down the aisle to Bruce Springsteen's live recording of Jersey Girl. Trevor seeing me for the first time that day and telling me that I looked beautiful. My Grammie giving me a ring that belong to her mother as my something old. There were a million little, seemingly inconsequential things that happened that day that I will remember forever.

Here is what Trevor says he learned that day:
Never do pictures after the ceremony - that's what we did and it took us away from our guests for way too long. So long that some of them left before we got back. We didn't do very many traditional things, but I was really set on not seeing each other before I walked down the aisle. We all suffered because of it! I don't know why that was so important to me, but it was.

I could list a million things that I've learned over the last 5 years. Being Trevor's wife has been the best experience of my life. It still makes me happy when people call me Mrs. Bryant or when Trevor introduces me as his wife. I think that the thing that I loved most about our wedding day is that it wasn't about the wedding - the dress, the food, the gifts...it was about getting married to my best friend. It was about standing in front of our friends and family and promising to love each other forever. Perhaps the most important thing I learned that day is that we are loved.

Happy Anniversary to the most tolerant man I know. Thank you for choosing me to be your wife.

Just for fun, here is my anniversary post from last year, it includes links to a couple previous anniversaries as well...
here

Loving life

2011-08-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

She can't see or hear, but she sure can run....

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My story of addiction

2011-08-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I am an addict. I don't believe my addiction is a problem, I don't want a 12 step program and I don't want to stop using. But, I am, in fact, an addict. I am addicted to coffee and I have been for many years. This morning when I was at Starbucks, waiting for my venti iced soy latte and thinking about how it was the best part of my day, I realized it is my addiction. This is my story.

Growing up, my dad smoked and drank coffee...lots and lots of coffee. It never appealed to me and I never really gave it any thought. Its not like now where there is a coffee place on every corner and teenagers live on frappachinos and mocha lattes.

I believe it was the summer between my freshman and sophmore years in college. My mom and I were making the cross country trip from New Jersey to Boulder, Colorado. We stopped at my grandfather's house in Illinois. His wife, Gail, had been to Seattle recently and was telling us about the big new craze there - coffee lattes. She said there were stands all over the place where they made these drinks with coffee and steamed milk. I didn't know what the big deal was with that. I didn't even like coffee.

That year, while at college in Boulder, I had an office job. My boss would send me to get coffees for the people I worked with. They'd get things like raspberry mochas and vanilla lattes. My boss would always say "I buy, you fly"...meaning he would buy my drink and I would drive to go get it. I would get a coffee drink and I wasn't really impressed with it...but if someone else was buying, why would I NOT get one.

We did this several times a week and eventually I started to like the way these drinks tasted. I started getting a coffee on my way to school and on the weekends. There was a great little locally owned place called Vic's coffee. It was right next to Moe's bagels - perhaps the best bagel place in the world. Every morning I would stop and get a bagel and then go next door to get a coffee. I remember how warm and humid it was in Vic's and how it smelled like burnt coffee.

I lived about a block away and spent way more time that I should have at these places. I always saw people I knew and I really enjoyed my daily routine.

I graduated college and after a year working an office job, I got a job at the Boulder Daily Camera - the local newspaper. This was when my coffee addiction really took hold. I work 2 am to 10 am every day. There were a few little coffee shops right around the paper. I'd go to one of them every day. Sometimes twice a day.

After about a year, I got promoted and worked a little more normal schedule. By this time, I was a smoker. I had moved across town to an apartment that was a block away from the another Vic's coffee. I would stop there every morning and get my vanilla latte and drive the long way to work. That gave me enough time to smoke two cigarettes and enjoy my latte. That was the best part of my day.

By this time, Starbucks was just starting to make its move. There were a couple locations that popped up here and there. While I still loved the local shops, there was something flashy and new about Starbucks. There was a location right by a house where I regularly house sat. Up until this point, the largest size drink they had was 16 ounces. I remember the day the unveiled the venti - 20 ounces. Oh Dear God, that was one of the best days of my life. If 16 ounces was good...then 20 ounces was even BETTER!!!

There was another chain of coffee shops called Peaberry's.

I would have to say that their Vanilla Latte is to date, the best coffee drink I have ever had. It was so smooth and sweet and creamy. Yummy!!! I don't know why I didn't go there all the time, I guess it was out of the way.

Shortly after that, I got a job in New Jersey and was set to move. My dad got online and found where the closet Starbucks was! When I got settled into my new home, in a new town, I drove 20 minutes out of my way every morning to get a coffee at Starbucks. Vanilla latte. Venti. After a year there, I got a job in Portland Oregon - the mecca of coffee shops. I had no idea until I got there just how bad it was.

In Portland, there is a coffee shop on every corner. Literally. From my office building, you could walk in any direction and there would be a Starbucks. There were at least 10 of them within a couple blocks and they were all busy, all the time.

Getting coffee was always the highlight of my day. My coworkers and I would say to each other "want to go get a coffee?" We'd do it before the Monday meeting, we'd do it on Wednesday mornings. I would meet Trevor's dad, Jay, at the Starbucks in Beaverton damn near every morning for coffee. That is where he came up with the idea that I should meet Trevor.

On my first date with Trevor, we stopped at Starbucks on the way to his parents house. When I moved in with Trevor, we'd have breakfast every morning at the Starbucks in Battle Ground. That was our routine for many years, until our jobs changed. Once I started working in a different department at the paper, coffee breaks for the only sane part of my day. My friend Diane and I would email each other: "coffee"...."10 minutes"...."let's go!!!". We'd walk across the street where I would get my soy latte and she would get her iced teas. They new us by name and by drink. We didn't even have to order. They just knew.

If I needed to meet with someone, we went to Starbucks. In the afternoons, we'd go get another coffee or an iced drink or a muffin or cookie. Just something, to get out of the office and into the comfort of Starbucks. Some of my best memories are from times spent there.

I have had a latte or coffee drink of some sort just about every single day since 1997. There was one vacation in Jamaica where there was no coffee shop and regular coffee at breakfast had to do. But that is really the only time we didn't have it. Even on our trip to China, we found a Starbucks. During marathons and triathlons, all I can do is think about how much I want a latte when we are done. I remember during my first half Ironman, all I wanted was to finish so we could stop and get a latte on the way back to the hotel. Ironman, well, that day we finished too late to get a coffee. But I had one the day before and the day after!!

Figure, on average, $4 per day (give or take). That's $1460 per year, for 14 years....$20,440 over my life on coffee. My dad used to say that I could drive a mercedez if I kicked my coffee habit.

I've been on diets and have always said that if I had to get rid of my daily latte, I wouldn't do it. When money has been tight, I refused to give up my daily lattes. I would scrounge for change in my drawers and Trevor's desk to have enough money to make my daily stop.

Seriously...it is the best part of my day. Every day. Something comforting about holding that drink in my hand - hot in the winter, cold in the summer. I've tried to stop before, but I don't really want to, so it doesn't work. I feel like every day, all the good memories that I have of the past are served up to me in my coffee cup. And that is something I enjoy immensely. So, here's to another decade of lattes....I'm just waiting for them to come out with something bigger than the 20 ounce size!!!

Guest Blogger....Asha!

2011-08-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

I asked my mom if I could do a blog post. I know she's been talking about me and I wanted to talk about myself!!!

I'm only six months old and I have already done a lot of living! I won't go into the details of how I ended up at the shelter in the first place. The story of how my life began is sad and I don't want you to feel sad for me. Instead, I'll tell you about how I got to the best place in the world - that's where I live now.

The shelter is a scary place for a dog, even more scary for a dog that can't see or hear like me. I didn't understand what was going on, so I would bark a lot and turn in circles. The people there were really nice to me, but it was hard for me. One nice lady would bring me into her office, I'd lay under her desk and chew on the wires to her computer.

Someone called a foster parent came to get me and took me to his house. There were lots of other doggies there and I did pretty good, but it wasn't my forever home. After a while, I left that place and went to live with some other people. Supposedly, they had experience with dogs like me. I was scared of my new place and I barked and circled and couldn't be calmed down. Those people didn't like it, so they took me back to the shelter after just 4 days. I was really confused, but I knew that wasn't my forever home either. I stayed with my foster family again for a few days and then found myself back at the shelter in a big room.

All of a sudden, I smelled a new person. She sat down on the floor and I layed down in her lap. It was my mom and I knew it right away. She touched me with more emotion than anyone else ever had before. I knew she loved me and she loved me a lot. Then I smelled a man and TWO doggies. They were my family. All of them. I ran in big circles and barked! I showed them how I could map out a room and figure things out. Then I showed them how I could pee!!

A few days later, my mom and dad came to get me and they took me home. Even though I knew it was my forever home, I was still scared. I didn't know my way around and there were lots of new smells. When I get scared and confused, I run in tight circles. Its a really bad habit and I was hoping my mom and dad would help me kick it! Every time I started to circle, they would stop me and give me a treat while they patted my side.

My name at the Shelter was Pinky. My mom and dad changed my name - I was really glad they didn't name me Helen or Keller - that's what lots of blind/deaf dogs are named and I wanted something original. My mom found the name Asha - it means life and hope. She said that's what I deserve. So now my name is Asha. I've never heard it, but sometimes mom my will put her mouth on my neck and say my name. I really like that!

I spent the first couple days mapping out my house. Now, a month later, I can run around and don't run into too many things. I know where the steps are and how much deck I have before I have to step off on to the grass.

The first night at my forever home was a really tough one. I couldn't settle down. I did a lot of circling that night. My mom slept on the floor most of the night with me. I peed and pooped a couple times because I couldn't hold it and didn't understand how things work around here.

I was so hungry and when they put food down for me, I would lay on the floor and bury my head in the bowl. They fed me regularly and eventually I wasn't so ferocious about it. I eat puppy food, but I prefer the food that my brother and sister (Buster and Maggie) get.

I LOVE to play with Maggie and Buster. I like Maggie because she stays still. Buster moves a lot and barks at me. I am deaf, but I can totally hear his bark. It stops me in my tracks and I don't like to play after he does that. I think he is confused by me. He is getting better and we play a lot nicer now.

When my mom and dad weren't home, they put me in a crate...boy did I HATE that. I would scream bloody murder. After a couple days, my belly started to bother me and I had the runs. My parents had to go to work for a couple hours and when my mom got home, I was laying in my kennel and I was COVERED in poop. She took me out onto the deck, put me on her lap and gave me the best bath ever. She wasn't even mad at me. I know she really loves me. Don't tell her, but I liked the bath and I liked how fresh I smelled afterwards!

After that my mom and dad realized that the crate wasn't the best place for me. Now I have the run of the downstairs when they are gone. Buster and Maggie go upstairs in their crates, they like that best. Sometimes I get nervous when my mom and dad aren't there, but they leave stuff that smells like them and lots of toys for me. And really, I just sleep most of the time anyway!! The best part of my day is when I wake up and realize that my mom and dad are home. When I get a whiff of them, I go nuts until I can find them - then I wag my tail while they pet me and tell me what a good girl I am.

After about two weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night and I was having a seizure. After I came out of it, I could tell my mom and dad were really scared. They took me to the emergency room and they did lots of tests on me. I didn't mind because I was meeting all kinds of new people and they all smelled SO good!!! After being there all night, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. My mom and dad say they think I have epilepsy, but need to wait and see if I have another seizure. The seizures don't hurt, I just get really disoriented and tired after I have one. 10 days later, I had another one in the middle of the day. My vet says that if I have another one, I have to start taking medicine.

I still have trouble at night. I was having a lot of anxiety and did a lot of pacing. Just this last week, my mom and dad got some calming spray and also started bring a bowl of my food up to bed. That has made a huge difference. My mom says that I am now active at night instead of anxious. She means that I still wander around, but I'm not upset. I feel much more relaxed and I like that. I've slept through the night a few times and my mom and dad really liked that!! I don't do it most of the time though, usually one of them has to take me out to go potty during the night. Sometimes I am so tired that after I go, I just lay right down in the yard and fall alseep!!

I love to meet new people. I am not afraid of anyone! When I smell someone new, I want to jump on them and say hi! People always ask about me and want to know why my eyes look the way the do and how come I am white. My mom and dad always tell them that I am blind and deaf and how Austrailan Shepherd breeders irresponsibly create animals with problems like mine. People always feel sorry for me and they tell them not to feel sorry, because I'm not sorry. I LOVE my life!!!

My favorite quote is this: "I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."
I may be deaf and blind and epileptic, but I am not dumb. I am very very smart. I know how to sit, lay down and come. I can walk nicely on a leash. I know where my mom, dad, brothers and sisters are at all times. I can do all the things other dogs can do. I am a puppy and get into just as much trouble as any other puppy would. I do hate to be in a crate, probably more than anything else and I'll bark my head off if you put me in there. But other than that, I am a pretty good doggie.

My dad says that I'm turning into a dog because I'm growing up so fast. Most dogs like me never get a chance at life. People think that because I can't see or hear that I don't have any reason to live. Boy, are they wrong. I have so much fun all the time. I can play and enjoy treats. I don't know what I am missing and so I don't care! I really like to be with my mom and dad. They really love me a lot. They love all of us alot. The others and I know that we are really lucky to be living this life. I can't wait to see what life holds for me. I know that the people at the shelter were worried that I would not find a good home. And I didn't find a good home...I found a great home and I want to live here forever.

10 days

2011-08-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

We've had Asha as a part of our family for a little over three weeks (it seems so much longer than that!). We are all having our growing pains, integrating a new little one into the pack, but things have been moving along nicely. She is very smart and that makes it easy to train her. She is, of course, a puppy and does all the same things that seeing/hearing puppies do. She chews, she barks, she pees and poops in the house, she doesn't want to have a harness put on her for a walk and she doesn't sleep through the night.

About two weeks after she came to live with us, Asha had a seizure. I wrote about it in a previous post here . We've just been waiting and hoping that was a one time thing, even though we knew it was not. We had gotten past those first few days of hyper-sensitivity to her every move and were settling down again.

Two nights ago, Asha was so restless. The lack of sleep is getting to us and we are cranky and don't know what to do to get her to settle down. Yesterday I was emailing back and forth with the behaviorist at the humane society where we got Asha. We were talking about ideas to calm her apparent anxiety and restlessness at night. In the middle of an email, my phone rang. It was Trevor - Asha had just had another seizure.

Trevor was working in the garage. When he came back inside, Asha was on the couch - panting really hard. She had peed and pooped and there was drool all over the place. She had the same look on her face as she did after the first seizure just 10 days earlier.

Trevor had a dog, RD, when he was growing up who had seizures. Tragically, RD drowned in their backyard pool, they believe after having a seizure and becoming disoriented. I hate that story, it breaks my heart. RD was about 6 when he died and he had seizures most of his life, so Trevor knows more about this than I do. He knows this is treatable, manageable and not cureable.

After her seizure, Trevor took her to the vet for the once over just to be sure she seemed okay. Asha checked out just fine. By the evening, she was ready for a walk and was playing with the other two just like always.

I have been playing phone tag with the vet. She thinks it may be time to put Asha on some medication since the seizures were pretty close together. I love that little doggie. She is so sweet and soft and loving. She has so much joy and I am just sick about this seizure thing. I want her to have a long, happy, healthy life. So we'll do what we have to do.

By the looks of her, I think she loves living with us....

and we love having her.

The vet's advice.

2011-07-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Asha has been a part of our family for about 3 weeks now. On Fridays, she has been coming to work with me. That is a long day for us, too long to leave her home alone. The first two weeks, she was sick and had been up all night long either with a tummy ache or at the ER with a seizure. So, she slept pretty much all day. Yesterday, she came with me and did not sleep for more than about 20 minutes.

I don't know what the problem was, but Asha was restless all day long. I set her up in the bathroom with a bed and her toys. I spent as much time as I could with her, but she would just not settle down - that is unusual for her. She barked. Alot. Like most of the day. I was so frustrated, I didn't know what to do in order to calm her down.

We are right next door to a vet. I don't really like him, he's nice enough I guess, but he just seems like a dick. He'll pop his head in now and then to complain about the landlord or other tenants, but that's about it. I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling from him and we don't take our pets there.

I was in the bathroom with Asha and the vet next door came into the store. He saw Asha the last two weeks and asked about her. Today he said, "having some anxiety?" I said yes and told him how it was unusual, she normally just sleeps. He said he was doing a surgery and could hear her barking, it didn't bother him, but he heard her. He asked if he could see her. She smelled him as soon as he got near and went nuts! She LOVES new people.

Then, the vet proceeded to tell me what they do in his office when they have a dog in its kennel who won't stop barking. They sedate it, so he "doesn't lose his mind" or "disturb the neighbors". Then he went on and on about how I should get her on an anti-anxiety medication like prozac. Um....We've had this dog for three weeks, she's a puppy and I just got done telling you that this is unusual? And the part about sedating animals, I could have kicked him out of the store right then for that. He just ensured that we will never take our pets there.

I finally got Asha home and all was right with the world. I had mopped the bathroom floors the day before I brought her to work and I must have wiped away all smells that were familiar. I don't know what the problem was, but she slept soundly last night and this morning was up and back to her normal rambunctious self. No drugs required....

Days go by

2011-07-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

My dad called last night to tell me that my Aunt Pearl had passed away. She was actually my dad's aunt - his dad's sister. She was 92 years old. When I talked to my parents on Sunday, my mom had mentioned that Aunt Pearl wasn't doing too well, so the call didn't come as a surprise, but it sure made me sad. And it really made me miss my Uncle Lou, Aunt Pearl's husband, who passed about 12 years ago.

I've spent alot of time over the last day thinking about both Aunt Pearl and Uncle Lou and remembering my childhood. These two sweet people were a major part of my life. Always.

I grew up in New Jersey, right across the street from my Grammie and Pop-pop. Aunt Pearl and Uncle Lou lived about 20 minutes away. We spent all our holidays and special ocassions with them. We rotated holiday dinners - so we'd do Easter at our house, Thanksgiving at Grammie's and then Christmas at Aunt Pearl's. Then the next year, we'd change it up. But we always spent this time together. And I loved it.

If dinner was at 2, we'd get there around 12:30 or 1 and we would stay until 5 or 6. There was always good conversation, great food and general comfort. There is nothing better than being around people who love you unconditionally, just the way you are . That is how it was with these guys.

And of course, there was always Aunt Pearl's chocolate chip cookies. I don't know what she did, what her secret was, but they were the best. These cookies were so good that they always served as birthday presents too! She would deliver a tin of cookies to each of our on our birthdays and I could eat 100 of them.

She had a dry wit and just like my Pop-pop, did not mince words. She said what she thought. And her laugh, Aunt Pearl had the best laugh. I loved her, I respected her and I completely enjoyed her company.

I remember several very specific times at Aunt Pearl and Uncle Lou's. The house they lived in most of my life smelled a certain way and if I think hard now, I can almost smell it. I remember sitting in their yard, under a tree on a hot day. I remember walking through their back yard into the orchard that was behind them and going to the park next door to play basketball. I remember our cousins Joey and Richie and their German Shepherd Tuna.

I can still see their dining room where we ate and their living room where we went after dinner to talk for hours. Aunt Pearl's dinner table on Easter of 1986 was where and when I realized that I was losing my hair, the beginning of the most difficult time of my life.

At some point, they moved into an apartment a little closer to where we lived. There was one Thanksgiving in particular that comes to mind. In high school, I worked at a bakery and Thanksgiving was our busiest day. I was up early that day and worked until noon. Then we went to Aunt Pearl's. I was so exhausted that I went into their bedroom and slept for hours. Then I remember sitting around their kitchen table, eating and talking and laughing. Always laughing.

I left for college and only saw Aunt Pearl and Uncle Lou a couple times a year. Then, I moved out of state permanently and saw them even less. The years went by and before you know it, I was an adult. Uncle Lou passed away in 1999. I was living in New Jersey at the time and was able to attend his funeral. He was such an amazingly good man, so humble and unassuming. He just went about his business and made a difference in the lives of so many people. I learned so much about Uncle Lou that day that I had never known. He did an usual amount of charity work and he never talked about that with us. He just did it.

Several years ago, I was back in New Jersey with Trevor and we stopped to visit Aunt Pearl. She was getting up there in years and when she came to the door - she didn't recognize me, but she did recognize Trevor from a picture my mom had just sent her! We went in and spent a couple hours visiting with her. That was the last time I saw Aunt Pearl. She sent a nice card when Trevor and I got married, but my communication with her was limited to that.

I think of Aunt Pearl and Uncle Lou during the holidays. We spend holidays with Trevor's family and they don't do big dinners for everything like we always did and I sure do miss that.

My Pop-pop, Aunt Pearl's brother, passed away in 1997. Missing Aunt Pearl makes me miss Pop-pop even more. Their generation was something special. Their attitude about things was so different that ours. Struggle, tough times, didn't phase them. I remember them being so non-chalant about things. I loved to hear their stories about their childhoods, the war, the way things used to be. I could listen to them talk for hours.

I loved those days and I really do miss them. Time moves on and life changes, but my memories are as strong as ever. I always knew that I was fortunate to have such a great a family. I was fortunate to be loved by such exceptional people. I am who I am today because of them. I learned a lot by being around them, watching and listening.

Thinking of Aunt Pearl, I feel a strong urge to laugh at everyday things and to bake some chocolate chip cookies. I know that Aunt Pearl, Uncle Lou and Pop-pop are in heaven, along with Sis and Charlie saying "what the hell do we do now?". Now, they wait...just like us...until we are all together again.

Rest in peace Aunt Pearl. Your life was well lived.

Nothing to do but wait

2011-07-27T15:16:00.001-07:00

Its been all clear since Asha's seizure on Friday morning. While Asha has been getting some good nights' sleep, Trevor and I have been hyper-sensitive to her every move. While it could be a one time occurrence, we are bracing ourselves for another episode and just don't know when that could come.

In the meantime, Asha is enjoying her puppyhood. She seems to learn something new everyday and expands her circle of comfort by leaps and bounds. She spent yesterday at the vet's office getting a bile acid test to see if a liver shunt caused her seizure. It checked out clear, one more thing ruled out. Now we wait to see if and when another seizure occurs. We are really hoping it was a one time thing. As the days pass, we think less about it, but it will always be in the back of our minds. Asha just keeps moving forward, living in the now!

The vet commented that she was such a happy dog. She also was surprised that Asha wasn't afraid of new things. That dog just loves meeting new people. It is amazing to see the joy she gets when she realizes there is a new person in her vicinity!!

Asha is much more calm at the house, she seems to know her way around and gets quite angry when something new shows up. We moved Buster and Maggie's food bowls the other day and Asha kept running into one of them. Finally, she picked up the metal bowl in her mouth and carried it outside to the part of the yard where she goes to poop!! She had enough of running into that thing!!

Having a deaf dog does have its good points. When we get home, she is usually sound asleep. I can make as much noise as I want and it doesn't disturb her. We try to let her wake up on her own, if we wake her up, it scares her and we don't like that.

Asha has a lot of Wookie's characteristics. She has these little tufts of crimped fur behind her ears, just like he did. When she lays down, she flops. That is so very Wookie. We miss him terribly, he's been gone over a year now and this sweet little one reminds us so much of him. She is very stubborn, just like Wookie was and she can be an asshole....Maggie calls her an "Ashahole".

The other two dogs are still adjusting to having a third, but as time goes by they are figuring her out. We look forward to a long happy life for all of them. These animals really are the greatest joys of my life, just like Opal, Wookie and Gus were before them.

An early wake up call...

2011-07-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

Things have been moving along nicely with our newest addition - Asha. She still wakes us up in the middle of the night to go out and go potty, but she's a puppy, so we understand. I didn't think it was possible for me to get any less sleep. I was wrong....

Last night at about 1 am, Trevor woke me up and said "Asha is choking". It took a minute for that to process. I jumped out of bed and there was Asha, on the floor next to Trevor. She was convulsing. After a couple seconds, Trevor said "she's having a seizure." She peed herself. We moved her away from the bed and the wall and watched with total helplessness while our little girl seized. I didn't know what exactly was happening, but I thought I was watching Asha die.

I ran downstairs and got my phone so I could call the emergency vet. We had just been there a few days ago with Maggie - she had thrown up a little bit of blood and we had taken her on Monday night. She was fine the second she finished throwing up and they think she had some sort of ulcer in her throat or stomach from heaven only knows what. She's back to normal. I guess that was good, because I had the ER on my recent contacts and they had all our info. They said to wrap her in a blanket and bring her in.

By the time I got back upstairs, Asha was alert and awake and seemed to be wondering why we weren't asleep. She had a lot of drool on her face and was coughing, she was also laboring a bit to breath. Asha walked down the stairs herself, in her usual midnight sleepy way. We put on our shoes and rushed out the door to the vet.

So many thoughts were running through our heads. On the phone they had asked if Asha got into any rat poison, we could not figure out how or where she could have. There is none in the house and she wasn't out in the yard alone. We could not get there fast enough.

Once we arrived, they took Asha back to observe her. They put bells on her collar so they would know if she started to seize again. Right after we got there, she coughed up some blood. That was more cause for concern. They did blood work and xrays. They told us that epilepsy is common in Australian shepherds. Another reason for seizures is liver shunts, so they wanted to test liver function. Now we waited.

At the emergency vet, they want you pay before they do anything. I was worried about this because I could not find my credit card and I didn't have thousands of dollars in my bank account. I found a card I thought would work and they ran it for $400. That was just the first round.

The initial tests showed all her blood markers were normal, no indication of liver issues. She did show fluid in her lungs, probably from a prolonged seizure where she breathed in some saliva. That, they said, should clear up on its own, but antibiotics would help insure it didn't turn into pneumonia. They wanted to keep her over night and monitor her. They were going to do another blood test to see if she had any toxins in her blood, just to be sure she hadn't gotten into anything poison.

I don't know what kind of fog I had been under, but at this point, I realized what was going on and I started to cry. I was overwhelmed with what was happening to our little Asha. Blind and Deaf, now having seizures. I did not want her to be scared or sick or sad. Not for a second. She has lived with us for less than 2 weeks, but she is as much a part of our family as any of the others. We love her with all our hearts and she loves us back.

They gave us another quote of what it could cost and we needed to pay. Another $350. We went back to say goodbye to Asha, she was resting calmly. When she realized we were there, she got so excited. We petted her and loved her and told her we'd be back in the morning and she was to have no more seizures.

We headed home and tried to get some rest. We were instructed to call in the morning and we could pick her up if all was well. They said they would call if she had another seizure. It was hard to sleep because we were worried the phone would ring. Luckily, it didn't.

This morning, Maggie and Buster seemed to know something wasn't right. Where was Asha? Around 8, I called to check on her. The doctor got on the phone, a different doctor from last night. I could hear Asha barking in the background. The dr said that she was alert and "energetic" and doing fine. He said I could come get her, but needed to monitor her. He suggested we go to our regular vet next week and get some different tests for liver function and follow up xrays to be sure her lungs were clearing out appropriately. Then he said "you are good people for adopting her, she is a very sweet dog".

I got dressed and headed over to get our sweet girl. She was SO happy to see me. Every nurse and tech that I saw told me how great she was, how happy she had been all night long and how they sat with her and she was no trouble at all.

We got in the car and headed to work. I stopped to get a couple things at the grocery store and my debit card was declined. That was weird, I had plenty of money. I didn't think much of it. I got to work and got Asha all settled in her spot. She was sound asleep in no time. I checked my bank account and realized that last night, I thought I gave them my credit card, but I gave them my debit card and my bank account was overdrawn. This was a problem.

Neither Trevor or I could get to the bank today. I called the bank and explained what had happened. They couldn't take a check or credit card over the phone for a deposit and I was going to have close to $200 in fees. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't life or death, but it sure was annoying. Then, the woman at the bank told me that she would come on her lunch break and pick up a check from me. That way I would avoid all the fees. Do you believe that? Umpqua Bank sure did right by me today. Not only did they come pick up the check, but they brought doggie treats for Asha.

So things are looking up....But now, we wait. We wait until Asha has another seizure, they don't give medicine until a dog has more than 6 seizures in a year. Right now we are at one and I hope we never see another one. I know the chances of that are slim. This is the first....there will likely be others. We will need to track them and monitor her. And then we'll see what our options are. There isn't much else to do now except wait.

I've been researching epilepsy and seizures in Australian shepherds all morning long and once again am disgusted at what I find. Its a breeding issue, apparently one that the Australian Shepherd breeding community ignores. So, these MFers have not only bred these animals into blind and deafness, but also into epilepsy. I love Ahsa and can't be mad that she exists, she will have an amazing life full of love and joy, but how many others like her will not. Its tragic and wrong and it makes me sick.

But for now, I will put all my energy into my sweet little girl, who right now, is sound asleep on her bed having doggie dreams. Sweet, Sweet Asha. What lies ahead for us?

Obsessed with overcooking

2011-07-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

I don't "cook", I make food. For several years now, I have prepared the majority of our meals at home. I make lunches, dinners and snacks for me and Trevor every day of the week. Trevor jokes that he has a magic refridgerator - every day, the second shelf has his food ready for him.

The meals I make are very basic, utilitarian more than enjoyable. Function instead of enjoyment. I make a meat, a carb and a veggie. Usually this is chicken, broccoli, sweet potato. I make turkey burgers with one ingredient - turkey. I make meat loaf with one ingredient - meat. Trevor jokes that I could do a cookbook of 1 ingredient recipes. We call my meat loaf - loaf of meat. None of it is fancy, but it gets the job done.

I have so many food intolerances that it is easier for me to make things simple and not have to try and figure out what ingredient is upsetting my stomach. I am so envious of my friends who cook delicious dishes. I feel sad for Trevor sometimes too. He will eat anything I make and rarely complains. Everyone once in a while, he'll tell me that he's had rice too many days in a row (like 120 days in a row) or that he didn't particularly like a certain cut of meat that I got.

For some reason, I am always worried that I would cook the meat long enough. I am afraid of getting sick from uncooked me. This means that I cook all our food way too long. I have done this for years.
Because I am afraid of this:
I usually make this:

Trevor and I joked about it a couple weeks ago and I decided to get a meat thermometer. I started using that last week and what a difference. Trevor commented last night that the chicken I've cooked lately has been so moist and delicious. He said that he told the chicken he had for lunch the other day that he had really missed its tastiness.

I was cooking some chicken last night and when the thermometer said it was done, I said to Trevor "this just doesn't looked cooked enough to me" and he said "then its perfect".

Girls and Dudes Sprint Triathlon Race Report 2011

2011-07-18T11:51:00.001-07:00

This was our A race for the year. We've done this event the past two years and its short and sweet. One of my goals for this year was to win my age group. Last year I came in second by 10 seconds. That was when I realized that I can race, I can go fast, I can push hard. And this year I wanted to see how hard I could push.

When we woke up, it was raining outside. The forecast had called for sun, so I figured eventually it would stop raining. Seemed like every time I thought that, it would start raining harder. I actually considered NOT doing the event. Racing in the rain sounded miserable. But, we decided to go anyway and hope for the best.

The great thing about this event is that it is less than 10 miles from our house. The route is one that we are very familiar with. There are a lot of beginners at this race and so its very comfortable and really no pressure.

We got down to Frenchmans' bar and started to set up our gear. It was still raining, but it was slowing down. Another great thing about this event is that we know everyone!!! There are so many customers, friends, fellow triathletes that we know who come and do this event. I love that.

We got all set up in transition and it stopped raining. Yay. The road would be wet and I knew that meant we'd have to be a little more careful on the bike.

The swim is down river, so we have to walk 1/2 mile up river to get in. This is always a fast swim, the current really helps!! We made our way up river and got to the start area. Just as with my half ironman last weekend, I wanted to be stress free and I was doing a great job. I wasn't feeling nervous, I was just ready to get going.

I always start at the back on the swim. Last year, at this event, that was an issue. There are so many beginners, that if you start at the back, you spend half the swim dodging their legs while they breast stroke or flip to their backs. This doesn't bother me, I know how it feels to be a beginner, but I wanted to avoid that this year. I set up a little further out in the river and a little closer to the front.

The gun went off, I did my normal slow start, then I put my head down and swam. I did have to dodge a few people, but I just kept swimming. I felt good, comfortable, but certainly was pushing harder than usual. Its just 1/2 mile. Last week I swam 1.2 miles, so this will be over before I know it. That's what I kept telling myself.

Sure enough, it was over before I knew it. I wanted to race. I usually walk out of the water to transition. This time, I actually ran from the water into the transition. I got out of my wetsuit and into my bike gear as fast as I could. Off onto the bike...

Swim: 12:44
Transition 1: 2:12

This bike course is flat and fast. Its a good one to get into the aerobars and just pedal. I wanted to go between 20 and 22 miles per hour. The roads were wet, so I eased up just a bit. I was also breathing pretty heavy and wanted to have a good run. My goal time was 35 minutes. I know this route like the back of my hand. We have ridden it probably 100 times over the last couple years. I know every pothole, turn, bump in the road. I passed lots of people in the wave that started before me and no one passed me on the bike!!! I saw Trevor, his wave started 10 minutes behind me.

As I came back into the park towards the transition, I reminded myself that I was racing and I needed to get off the bike and go....

Bike: 37:00

There was only one woman who completed the bike faster than me!

I hustled in transition, changed my shoes, put on my visor and off I went. I heard some people yelling my name and realized that our friends Chris and Kristine had come to watch us. And our friend Shawna was a volunteer. I had my own cheering section and that really felt great!

Transition 2: 1:00

I felt really good off the bike, I focused on going as fast as I could. It was just 3.1 miles. We've been doing a lot of speed work and tempo runs, so I knew I could maintain a quicker pace for this short distance. I wanted to keep an 8 minute per mile pace, but soon realized that was probably a little too aggressive! My first mile was 8:26 and my goal became to maintain that pace.

Last year, I ran just about 10 minute miles, so this was quite an improvement for me. This run was an out and back, which is great because you can see who is in front of you. As I was going along I counted 3 women in front of me. That meant that worst case scenario I would be 4th in my age group. But there was a chance I could be better than that, depending on the ages of those women.

I just kept going and knew that if I did the best I could do that it would be okay. It was a struggle, I am not used to pushing like that, but it was fun. I was really having fun and feeling proud of myself. I saw Trevor and he looked good too.

It has started to rain again and was actually pouring by the time I crossed the finish line!

Run: 26:14

Total: 1:19:11

Last year's time was 1:23, so I took 4 minutes off. I felt pretty good about that. My bike was a bit slower than last year, I can only assume that was due to the weather.

This time was good enough for 7th overall female (out of 134) and 2nd in my age group (out of 28). I really wanted to be first, the girl who was first beat me by 3 minutes. She was a minute faster in transition 1 and 2 minutes faster on the run. Damnit!!!!

Trevor got 3rd in his age group for the 3rd year in a row. We both felt like we were always the bridesmaid, never the bride!! Honestly, we were very proud of ourselves. It was a lot of fun and I look forward to this event next year.

We packed up our gear and loaded it up. It was POURING rain by now and we were soaking wet. We headed to breakfast and then home to bask in our accomplishments! I think that is it for our triathlon season. Time to train to get stronger and faster. We plan to do another Ironman next summer and we need to work on a few things before that training begins.

This was a great way to end our short season!!

The best day of my life....

2011-07-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

11 years ago today, I got up on a Sunday morning and put on my best summer outfit. I had a date. It was a blind date, with the son of one of my best friends Jay. Jay had been trying to set me and his son up for a while. Finally, he went ahead and scheduled the date. He told me that his son would call me and then pick me up on Sunday morning. We were going to the car show - with Jay and his wife Sheila. A double date. With your date's parents. Does it get better than that?

Jay said that he felt bad for both me and his son, we didn't have any friends, he said. He figured we should at least meet so we would have someone to do things with. I figured that even if it didn't work out romantically, we could be friends.

Jay's son, Trevor, picked me up on Sunday morning. We headed out to Jay and Sheila's house. On the way, we made pleasant conversation. We stopped at Starbucks and then arrived at the house. We were all going together to the Forest Grove Car Show. While we were getting ready to leave, Jay wanted to introduce me to his dogs. I went out back with him and both dogs came running around the corner. Jay had treats in his hands. One dog, Godzilla, grabbed a treat from Jay and then came to smell me. The other dog, Junior (a rottweiler) ran right past Jay, probably thinking I had a treat and bit my hand. OWEEEE.

It hurt and for a minute, I was in complete shock. I ran into the house and looked at my hand. Trevor asked what happened, I told him and showed him my hand. The blood drained from his face. It was a pretty deep bite. I went up to the kitchen to wash it off and Jay pulled out some whiskey to wash it out. I put my hand in the sink and he poured in on my hand. Then he took a swig. Then he poured more on my hand. I felt like I would pass out and was embarrassed. Trevor was standing back, looking like he wanted to leave and never come back.

After Jay got done disinfecting my wound, he put a band aid on it and said "ready to go?" I wasn't ready to go. I wanted to go home, actually I wanted to go to the Emergency Room. I was on my best behavior and said "yes, let's go".

It was about 100 degrees out and as the day went on, my hand continued to swell. We went to the car show and has as much fun as you can have at something like that. I kept thinking that I just needed to get through the day and then I could take myself to the ER. I smiled and didn't make a big deal out of this injury.

After the car show, we went to lunch. While sitting at lunch, Sheila saw my hand and said "someone needs to take her to the ER". So after we finished lunch, Trevor drove me to the ER.

Visiting the emergency room on a first date presents all kinds of issues. We don't know each other, I am trying to be brave and happy when I am in pain and want to cry. They ask all kinds of personal questions in the ER. It was embarassing. Trevor joked about it and made me laugh when I wanted to cry. When the nurses found out it was our first date, they said "if you get married, you should do it here" and "if this works out, what a great story". Just what you want to hear on your first date!

The doctor came in, did some xrays, gave me a bunch of shots, including a tetnus shot and cleaned my wound. When he found out it was our first date and how the day had gone, he said "you got bit by a dog and STILL went to a car show? If it doesn't work out with him, give me a call". Trevor was sitting there for all of this. Again, so embarassing!!

We finished up at the ER and headed back to Jay and Sheila's. We had now been on our date for about 8 hours. It was finally time for Trevor to take me home and I was so relieved. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and take off the happy face I was wearing!

As we were driving home, Trevor said to me "I had a really good time today". I busted out laughing and said "yeah, it was really great". I thought that was such a ridiculous thing to say and also thought it was very sweet. He was making the best of a screwed up situation.

I got home and we said goodbye. No kisses or anything after this date. Trevor told me he would call. I didn't know if that was true or not but I hoped he would.

A couple days went by, my hand got infected and I had to get some antibiotic shots, take a couple days off work and make multiple trips to the doctor's office. Trevor called me on Monday and we set up a date for the following Saturday night. Years later, he told me that the reason he called me for a second date was because I was such a trooper. I made the best of a difficult situation. He was a bit disappointed, not so many years later, to realize that I was not really a trooper. Once I became comfortable with him, he realized that I am a big baby and that if the dog bite happened today, things would be much different!! But my acting paid off. He called me, we went out again, I moved in with him shortly after that (like the next day) and 6 years later we got married.

We could not be a better match. He is the yin to my yang. The way he made me feel that first day, is the way he makes me feel all the time now....comfortable, at home and safe. And he makes me laugh. No matter what. He did it that day in the ER and he does it every day now. What could have been one of the worst days ever turned out to be one of the best days of my life.

This first date the at the car show turned into an annual thing. Every year we went there to celebrate our anniversary. On our 6th anniversary, we went, just like always. I had been wondering for a while if Trevor was ever going to ask me to marry him. I figured it was doubtful, I knew he wasn't really interested in being married again. We had gone to dinner the night before to celebrate and he gave me a bracelet as a gift. I remember thinking "no ring again this year". There was no way Trevor would buy me a bracelet AND a ring. As we walked around the car show that day, I was thinking how great it would be if he proposed, but he never would. No, I was never going to be Mrs. Trevor Bryant. Never. We were there with Trevor's family and some friends. We found a place to have our picture taken. Every year, we had our picture taken. I have a coffee table covered in pictures of us from the car show. As we posed for our picture, Trevor moved away from me. I turned to look and he was on his knee, with a ring box opened. He said "will you begin our life together with me?" I don't think I ever said yes. I just said "oh my God, Trevor....oh my God".

Trevor can never surprise me. I almost always know what I am getting for birthdays and holidays. This day, this one day, there is nothing that could have surprised me more.

July 16th is a very good day for me.....

Poop

2011-07-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons why I do not want children of my own. But it really comes down to this....I cannot stand NOT sleeping. I need 8 hours a night, solid, without interruption. I get that sleep too. I can sleep anywhere, anytime, through anything. Anything, except the first months of a new puppy. That's what we've got going on right now. Asha is a puppy and puppies don't sleep through the night for a while.

Not only does she not sleep through the night, but she needs let outside. So I can't just lay in bed and try to ignore the noise...I have to physically get out of bed. I am doing pretty good at being patient with her. But I am tired. And that makes me cranky.

I do not know how parents go years without sleep. Seriously, I'd be in an institution or jail. I just couldn't do it. I don't know how others do it and continue to function in their every day lives. Seriously.

To make matters worse, Asha got a case of the runs yesterday. We left her home in her kennel for a bit of time and when I got home, every inch of Asha and her kennel were COVERED in poop. She was alseep, but I imagine she was pretty upset for most of the day. I woke her up and took her out onto the deck and gave her a bath. She actually liked the bath. She was so clean and soft afterwards. I also power washed her kennel and got things smelling normal again.

Overnight she had some more loose stools....in my closet...on my UGG boots. Poor Asha! She doesn't make enough noise when she wakes up for us to get her outside in time. She does good most of the time, but since she isn't feeling good, its tough. Again, we got it all cleaned up and smelling normal. But alas...no sleep!

This morning we took her to the vet to see what was going on with her. They did some tests and found a bacterial infection. We've got some special food and meds for her to take. She should be better in a few days.

She was SO happy at the vet. It took her about 15 minutes to feel comfortable in the exam room, but then she was just as happy as could be. She liked meeting all the new people and smelling all their smells.

I took her to work with me just to keep an eye on her. She slept just about all day long. We went on a little walk and played a bit. Everytime I saw her sleeping, I thought of waking her up so she'd be exhausted tonight and we could all sleep. But that would be mean and even I am not THAT mean.

Look at her...

I am so envious....

Surviving Puppy hood

2011-07-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

Meet Asha

On our way home from the Rev3 triathlon Sunday afternoon, we stopped at the Humane Society and picked up Asha. On the way out to the car, the volunteer from the shelter said "this is the true definition of a rescue". He put Asha in the car with us and waved goodbye.

We got home and started to acclimate her to the house. She immediately started to map out the rooms, running into the couch, the walls, etc. We leashed up all 3 dogs and took them out for a walk so that Buster and Maggie would realize Asha was part of our pack. They walked so amazingly well together. Asha followed along with us and wasn't an issue at all. She did lay down a few times in some soft yards. She must be exhausted!

We came back home and let her explore. When she got confused, she would turn around in a tight circle and bark. They had told us about this behavior and we wanted to stop it. So every time she did that, we would stop her, make her sit (by pushing her butt down) and pet her. This little deaf dog has the loudest bark you have ever heard. Actually, its a puppy's bark, it sounds just like every other puppy - loud and bone shaking.

We used treats to get her to do the things we wanted and every time I gave her a treat, I pushed her butt to the ground. As of today, she has been trained to sit - when you give her a treat, she sits down before she takes it. We pat her several times on her side when we say "good dog". The idea is to come up with signs and be consistent about what they mean. We started working on that from the first moments.

Bedtime came and I knew it would be a long night. I was hoping she'd sleep. But she didn't and neither did the rest of us. Just like when we brought Maggie home, she was fussy, confused and restless. We took her out to go to the bathroom twice - in an effort to start pottie training. We also need to train her to use the stairs. All of this was requiring alot of patience and I was SO tired. I didn't want to be patient! But I knew that in order to sleep through the night at some point in the near future, we had to do these things now.

I thought of my friends who have children and again realized that I could never be a mother to a human child! I also thought several times that most of these issues were because of Asha's age, not because she couldn't see or hear.

We finally got up and came downstairs around 4:30 am and of course, all the dogs fell sound asleep on the couch!!

Later in the morning I emailed Asha's foster dad and asked some questions about how he had been training her. He gave me some great advice that has already made a big difference. Trevor spent most of the day home with Asha. She slept and explored the house. He took them all for a walk again and she seemed to be settling in.

She is an animal around food. When we put the bowl down she will sprawl out on the floor and bury her head in the bowl. I expect that will change over time as she realizes that she will get enough food. She has the downstairs and backyard pretty well figured out. She is always on the go - checking things out. She has realized where the end of the deck is and doesn't fall off. She jumps off the couch and goes to lay in her kennel. She plays with the other dogs, although they are all still trying to figure each other out. Buster and Maggie don't know why Asha doesn't seem to see or hear them and Asha can't track them just quite yet. But there is a desire to play with each other and that will just grow over time.

Our friends Diane and Dane came over on Monday morning and Asha met them. She wasn't scared of them, in fact, she was very interested! The liver cubes that they brought might have something to do with that!!!

Monday night was better. We had used some of the tricks that her foster dad told us about and they made a HUGE difference. She isn't doing the circle and bark thing hardly at all anymore. She slept on her dog bed next to our bed most of the night. Got up once to go to the bathroom, then back to sleep.

Tuesday I spent the day with her and really all she did was sleep. She moved around the house but really liked being under the table amongst the chair legs.

And she really loves to snuggle
We are exhausted, there is not doubt about that. But the love we feel for and from this little one makes it all okay. She is so sweet. When we are walking her and we come across a neighbor, she gets excited. She will realize there is someone new around and she wants to meet them. When you are deaf and blind, your other senses are stronger and her sense of smell is off the charts! I was cooking some ground beef while she was sleeping and once she got a whiff, she came from the other room to find it! If you watch her run around the yard or the house, you really forget that she can't see or hear. Sometimes she looks up at me as if she can see me, but looking at her eyes, I know she can't. She is pure love, unfiltered joy and abundant life. We are so blessed to have her as a part of our family.

We know that once she starts sleeping through the night, we will all feel better. Hopefully that comes soon.

We got some Doggles for her - goggles for dogs. We plan to have her wear these when we are out and about, especially when we are on long walks on the path or at the park - that way she doesn't get poked by a branch. She doesn't seem too excited about them, but Buster thinks maybe he needs a pair too!!

Rev3 Portland 70.3 Race Report

2011-07-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

Holy crap. This came up on me without warning! When I signed up for it in January, I had big dreams of training all year long. Instead, life got in the way and we started to train about 6 weeks ago. We had maintained our fitness over the winter, but sport specific, well....we were lacking in the swimming and the biking. The running I had down, I did a marathon in May, so the 13.1 mile wasn't too overwhelming for me. The swim and the bike, that's a different story.

The Rev3 Portland course was supposed to be very hilly and challenging. Three weeks ago, they announced a venue change and the course ended up being as flat as flat can get. I was happy about that because I think a super hilly course would have handed me my ass. A flat course has its own issues....like pedaling for 56 miles, no coasting.

Since I hadn't put in the months of physical training for this event, I decided that I wanted to work on my mental performance. All my previous races have brought me to a point of EXTREME anxiety. I have gotten so anxious about these events that I have really been unable to enjoy the days leading up to them. On race day, I can barely stand to talk to anyone because I am so nervous. With this race being in our backyard - 15 minutes from home - we knew a lot of people racing. I wanted to be able to enjoy my friends and so I focused on not getting stressed out. I decided I was going to just enjoy the day. A nice swim, bike and run.

I feel like I accomplished my main goal. I was calm leading up to the event. Race morning, I felt great...I wasn't freaking out like usual. I really liked the way I felt!!

As with many half iron races, you drop your bike off the day before. I love that, much less to deal with on race day. It was interesting to see that the swim exit was about 1/2 mile away from the bike area. That meant that we would get out of the water and have to run 1/2 mile. That's something new, usually the bikes are right there. Other than that, it all looked usual.

Instead of the traditional bike racks, they had these bike boxes.

So easy to rack the bike. We dropped them off and headed for home. We got all our gear together and finally got to bed around 9:30.

Sunday night, after the triathlon, we had plans to go pick up our new puppy. I was awake at 4 am thinking about her, which helped me not really think about the event. We got up around 5, ate our usual breakfast, drank our coffee and got our nutrition mixed up for the day.

At most events, you arrive in the morning and they body mark you - meaning they write your number and your age on your arms and legs. Rev3 gives you temporary tattoos and you apply them yourself. Trevor and I had some idiot moments trying to do this! It took a few tries to figure it out and I actually ended up using a marker to write some of the numbers on us because we aren't smart enough to read directions!!!

After that debacle, we hit the road at 6 am. Right on time.

We got to the venue with plenty of time. There were only about 500 people participating, so it was a smaller group. I liked that! They were closing the transition area at 7:30 and my wave didn't go off until 8:30. That's a lot of standing around. Usually that would just be time for me to freak out, I wasn't going to allow that today!

We got our gear set up and saw all our friends - Carla (who I trained), Jan, Doug, Melissa, Brent, Mike, Sherri. Lots of familiar faces. I really loved that about this race. It was just like a training day with our friends!

We headed down to the water to take a look - the lake looked so calm. I love that, I was feeling good about the swim. My previous best swim time was 49 minutes, I wanted to beat that today and remain calm the entire time.

Before we knew it, they were singing the nation anthem, the pros were starting and it was time for my wave! I got into my wetsuit, kissed Trevor good luck and headed down to the water. I was feeling a little nervous when the pros went out, but by the time I got in the water, I felt good.

This lake was where we did our first triathlon, 3 years ago and I was sure I was going to die on the swim. I was excited to get into this water and show it how far I have come!!!

The countdown was on and then we were off. I was in the first wave of swimmers - all the women, in pink swim caps. 5 minutes later, another group swimmers - men under 40 in white swim caps. 5 minutes after them, the rest of the men in yellow swim caps. My biggest concern of the day was being swam over by the waves behind me. I figured I'd stay as wide as I could and just keep swimming.

I am always so worried about the swim and the truth is, every swim I've ever had has been pretty easy. I never get caught in the "washing machine" of arms and legs, I never get swam over, I've never been kicked or punched. In fact, I always feel like I am swimming alone. This day was the complete opposite and really allowed me to test my "no freaking out" goal.

I always wait a minute after the start and let everyone get out ahead of me before I start swimming. I did that today, but there were pink caps all around me for a while. After the first turn, things spread out and then the white caps came up on me. I was staying wide and they were still passing me on both sides. I kept reminding myself to stay calm and keep swimming, it would be okay. Then, some yellow caps started to pass. The waters were full and I was surrounded. I did pretty good at not panicking. It was time to make the final turn back to the swim exit, I was about 2/3 of the way done and BAM....I was kicked in the head - my goggles came off. The poor pink capped woman who kicked me stopped swimming and profusely apologized. Any women who were around me were swimming at my slow pace and surely felt the same way about the swim as me. I told her it was okay and tread water while I put my goggles back on. Anyone who swims knows that once you take your goggles off or get water in them, they can bother you for the rest of the swim - they are never as well sealed as when you started. I had to stop 2 or 3 more times to adjust them so that they wouldn't leak.

I just kept going and was finally at the swim exit. I looked at my watch - 48 minutes. One minute better than my previous best swim time. I would have been faster if I hadn't been kicked in the head!!! I was happy with my time! I made my way to the our special needs bags - that was where I had a pair of shoes to wear on the 1/2 mile hike to get my bike!

I am always so happy and proud when I get done with the swim. Here's a picture that captures that perfectly!!

Swim: 48.02

This was a slow transition due to the long run from one place to the other. When I got back to my bike, it was all alone. All the other bikes around me were already out on the course. That always make me laugh! I got all my gear ready, sprayed the suntun lotion and headed out for a nice, flat 56 mile ride.

Transition 1: 10:08

My goal for the bike was to finish in 3 hours or less. I knew that I needed to maintain an average of 18.7 mph to do that. The course was really flat. It was two out and backs, so I had the ability to really pace myself. I liked the out and back because I got to see all my friends multiple times. One by one they passed me - Trevor, Doug, Mike, Brent, Jan, Melissa, Carla. We had some friends who were out on the course to cheer us on, that was so uplifting!!

I was having a good time, cruising along. After we got past the 205 bridge, the road was REALLY rough. I had been in my aero position and it really hurt my arm to be jostled like that. My arm hasn't totally recovered from my crash last year and it bothered me a bit on this ride.

A little past the half way point, my stomach started to bother me. It could have been from the amount of lake water I swallowed. Due to the unusually hectic swim, I swallowed more water than usual and was actually burping it up during the last part of the swim. I also think it was the position I was riding in. We haven't practiced hours of riding in the aerobars. So I was bent over for 56 miles. I took a break and sat upright every now and then, but man, my tummy really hurt. I tried not to worry too much about the run. I was right on pace for the bike and I was focusing on the now, not what was next.

I pulled into the transition area, right on track.

As you can see from these pictures, not nearly as happy as after the swim!

Bike: 3:02

This transition felt really slow. I changed my shoes, sprayed the sunscreen again. It was getting hot and really sunny out. I felt super bloated and crampy in my stomach but figured I could just run that out. Oh and even better....there were people who were already done with the entire race while I was getting ready to head out on the run!

Transition 2: 2:55

Now onto the run. Yuck. I felt awful. My shorts felt too tight around my waist because I just felt so full. I had originally wanted to run at a 9:46 mile. There were water stations every mile. I went to plan B which was run from water station to water station, walk through them, pour cold water on my head and try to get my belly to loosen up.

I did not want to walk 13.1 miles. I wasn't going to do it. We were planning to pick up our new doggie later that evening and I knew that every minute I spent on that course was one less minute I could spend with her. So I kept going. I saw all my friends again and it looked like we all felt the same way. Hot and tired.

I was starting to wonder if my stomach would ever feel better. I tried to break down the miles to make them seem more manageable. I was running about 10:30 miles. I would be around a 10 minute mile until the water stations and I would walk until I saw my pace drop to 10:30, then I would run. I stuck by this the entire run until about mile 11. Then I had it. It was SO hot and my calves started to cramp a bit. So I walked from street post to street post and just kept moving forward.

As I made the final turn, I was SO happy to be done. I started to cry a little, I always do. This is a big thing for me, to continue to come do these things. I'm not fast, I finish closer to the end than the middle, but I give it all I've got and I really try to have fun. This was a fun day, it got close to crossing over into the not fun anymore zone, but it didn't. Even though you couldn't tell by looking at me here - this was about .1 miles to the finish...I was having a blast.

Run: 2:20

That is 3 minutes faster than my best half ironman run time, so that's good!

And you can't see my face in this one, but I was smiling from ear to ear. So proud of myself. 70.3 miles. They start the race clock when the Pros start and that was 30 minutes before I started. So subtract 30 minutes from what you see here.

Total Time: 6:24

My previous best half iron distance time is 7:04. That was on a really hilly course, so you can't compare the two. Getting done sooner is always better!!

Afterwards, I found Trevor, ate some food, stretched and shared stories of our day. Trevor finished in 6:02. He was 10 minutes faster on the swim and almost 10 minutes faster on the bike. A good day all around.

Rev3, short for Revolution 3 is an Ironman Brand competitor. In my opinion, they really gave Ironman a run for their money. This race had a lower entry fee, the support was amazing, we got two shirts - an event shirt and a finishers shirt, a medal, a visor (I LOVE visors). I haven't been too impressed with Ironman lately, as a company. I respect the Ironman Brand and their races, but am not really feeling the love as a participant. I felt like Rev3 really wanted to put on a good race, they wanted every participant to walk away with a great experience. Everyone I talked to did just that. All their other races are in the eastern half of the country. I'd like them to come out west and put on a 140.6. I'd totally do it

Here are the two shirts and visor they gave us and the shirt and visor that I purchased. Can't wait to wear them all!!

After that, he got the in car and headed to the Humane Society to get Asha. No recovery for us!!!

A new addition

2011-07-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ever since Opal passed away last month, we have been feeling a void in our home. It took a couple weeks and then it became clear that Trevor was ready for another dog. I wasn't so sure that we could handle more than the two we already have. Trevor pointed out that if a dog came to live with us, that would free up space in foster care or at a shelter for another dog that needed the spot.

We have gone back and forth with what kind of dog to get. Trevor will email me pictures of dogs he has seen listed online. A few weeks ago, he sent me a picture of Pinky. You can read her Humane Society Listing here
I thought she was beautiful, but I could not imagine how we would deal with her special needs. Pinky is blind and deaf. I told Trevor that seemed like too much for us.

Time went on and he would email me different dogs, but I kept thinking about Pinky. Finally, one day, I emailed the Humane Society about her. The foster cooridinator told me that Pinky had some prospective adopters and so we were out of luck, but they'd let me know if didn't work out. I found myself surprisingly heartbroken.

I couldn't stop thinking about Pinky. We looked at other dogs online and none of them made me feel the way Pinky did. Earlier this week, I got an email from the foster coordinator and Pinky's adopters had brought her back to the shelter. At first, that made me incredibly sad (who adopts that dog and then brings her back?) and then it made me incredibly happy! I emailed him back and told him we wanted to meet her.

I spent a couple days emailing back and forth with the Humane Society's behavior specialist. Pinky's adopters brought her back (after just 2 days) because she was barking and they didn't like that. They went over her special needs and wanted to be sure we thought we could handle that. I said yes and set up an appointment for Friday morning for all of us to meet Pinky.

Thursday night, I laid awake and worried. I worried that we weren't ready for a challenge like Pinky. I worried that I didn't have the patience, that I liked my quiet life too much, worried that it would be a bad fit and that all of us would regret it. Honestly, I was scared.

Friday morning, we loaded Buster and Maggie into the car and headed to the Humane Society. Pinky was there with her foster dad. I went into the room to meet her first while Trevor stayed with Buster and Maggie.

I saw Pinky and I knew. Within one second...I knew. She would be coming home to us. I walked over to her and got her attention by putting my hand under her nose. I started to pet her. Then I sat down and she leaned against me while I touched her ears and massaged her entire body. I felt an amazing connection and I felt pure love. I couldn't wait for Trevor and the dogs to meet her.

Trevor came in and met her, then we brought in the dogs. One by one, each of us was introduced. Buster and Maggie weren't quite sure what to make of this little dog. She is 18 pounds and a little smaller than Buster.

Pinky made her way around the room - sometimes she would run into the wall or body check on of us or the dogs. She would get to the wall and bark at it. Her foster dad she had found her voice and that she seems to bark at the wall as a sign of success for not hitting it. He told us how she can map a room in minutes and how she runs through the yard, uses a doggie door and isn't nearly as bothered by her situation as people may be.

I asked if she got along with cats and he said that she doesn't know what a cat is and probably won't know the difference between a dog and a cat. When you can't see or hear, how do you experience the world?

Maggie was rather uninterested with Pinky. That's how she was when we met Buster. Buster, however, was VERY interested in Pinky. He was right next to her and wanted to play and show her the way. After about half an hour he seemed to settle down and accept her.

We agreed that she would be the perfect addition to our family. We have done quite a bit of research on deaf and blind Australian Shepherds. They are actually more common than you would think. There are different colors of Aussies. When two of one certain color are bred - a blind/deaf puppy will result 25% of the time. It really bothers me that breeders even continue to do this.

We asked how Pinky had come to be at the Shelter. Her mother had an entire litter of puppies who were blind and deaf. The breeder decided to drowned them all. His wife stopped him from drowning Pinky and I think one or two others. She brought Pinky to the shelter. I can't even tell you how sick and sad that story made me feel.

The deal was sealed. We couldn't bring her home until Sunday because we wouldn't be home at all on Saturday or Sunday. We have a triathlon on Sunday and after that, we will go pick her up and bring her home to live with us.

We have spent yesterday and this morning preparing. We've cleaned up the house, got things off the floor and organized for her. She'll need to map the house and we don't want any obstacles. We got some new leashes, a few toys, a bed, a collar...an entire care pack for our new addition.

We've discussed names and I believe we will name her Asha Grace. The name Asha means hope and life. Hope, life, grace. Those are her words. I cannot even explain the amount of love I have for her already.

I know we'll have some challenges. Plus, she's 4 months old...so she's a puppy and that will come with all kinds of things that will turn our world upside down!! I am excited to see what she can do, to see how she will grow. I can't wait to see how Maggie and Buster are with her.

I keep thinking about what a great life she will have with us. Yesterday, one of my friends said "she will change your life forever". That really hit me....I think we are going to save her life, but I suspect it will be the other way around.

Sunday night, we will bring Asha home to a place that she will never see. She will never hear the barking of our other dogs, the hissing of our cats, the lawnmower, the trash truck, the vacuum. She won't hear us call her name or see how we look at her when we disapprove of what she has done. She will experience her home in a completely different way than the rest of us. But she will know love. We all will. Welcome home Ahsa....you have no idea what great things lie ahead of you.

People who became friends

2011-07-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

I loved high school. I wasn't popular, but I loved the few close friends I had. I got along with just about everyone (at least that is how I remember it). I didn't date really, I just hung out with my friends. I played sports and so most of my friends were part of that too. In high school, I felt good at things, I felt comfortable. Sure, I dealt with all the usual teen angst. There were times I felt bullied, but over all, I look back on that time with happiness. I'd do it again for sure.

I cannot believe that is has been 19 years since I left high school. Seriously. It makes me feel incredibly old to know that my 20 year reunion is next year. How has this happened?

Thanks to facebook, I have been able to reconnect with so many people from high school. Notice, I said "people from high school", not "friends from high school". I stayed in touch with the few close friends I had in high school...a handful of them. I got married 14 years and 3000 miles away from where I went to school and 3 people that I graduated with came to the wedding. One of my favorite memories from our wedding weekend was sitting in my kitchen with my three best friends from high school, laughing our asses off about a million stupid things.

Since I have gotten back in touch with these people from high school, I have realized that I really missed out back then. I have formed some amazing bonds with people who I rarely spoke to during my time in school. I didn't hate them, I didn't love them...I was indifferent to them because I didn't know them and they didn't know me.

I see their pictures and hear their stories, the things they have gone through, the things are doing now and I feel so amazingly proud. These are my friends. My friends from high school. They make me laugh, they make me cry. I cheer their achievements and comfort them during their difficult times and failures. What a gift! To be able to feel such closeness with people whom I haven't seen or actually spoken to in almost 20 years.

Its strange to see these people, who I really only know as teenagers, who in my mind will always be teenagers, having children...raising children. Its strange to have them share the things their children do, because it feels like we were just doing those things! Some have teenagers, some are still having babies. And when I see their pictures, the pictures of the my friend's children, I want to scoop them up and hug them - the children AND my friends.

No matter how much time has passed and how much distance there is between us all, we shared that time in our lives. We all experienced our high school during those same years. We experienced it in different ways, but there is a ribbon of commonality that runs through all of it, that ties us together...now and always.

A couple weeks ago, Jeff, who graduated with us with on a reality show - a cooking competition. He posted it on facebook and everyone from high school was watching it that night. While I sat in my home in Vancouver, Washington, I felt a connection to everyone that I went to high school with, the entire WTHS Class of 92 and no matter what, no matter how you knew or didn't know him in high school or since then, he was our guy. It was like we were all there together, watching and cheering one of our own.

I know that I am fortunate and blessed to be able to form these relationships after all these years with people who knew me back then. I am fortunate that they get the chance to see who I am now and I know that I am blessed to see who they are now.

Its not fair that we go through life in this manner....we should know more when we are young. I yearn for those younger days and really wish I would have spent time with some of the people I visit with most now on facebook and through blogs. For example, if I had known how funny Kelly was, or how much she liked to curse, we would have been inseparable. If I had know just how strong Alania was, well, she would have been my go to girl. If I had known that Kerry had such a soft spot in her heart for animals, we would certainly have been best buds. And Karen, if I had known all the amazing things I know about her now, I wouldn't have let a day go by without talking to her. I wish I had spent all of the last 19 years in close contact with these people, instead I'll have to spend the rest of my life doing that. I can't wait to see who we become, because we aren't done growing yet.

I guess there would be something amazing about saying you went to high school with someone who was really successful and well know - like the President or Bill Gates. I think there is something even more amazing about seeing the people you went to high school with making a mark on their worlds in all different ways, big and small. It is amazing to see these people living ordinary lives that are anything but ordinary.

I love them all, all these people from high school who are now my friends from high school and I can't wait to see them again someday.

What kind of world....

2011-07-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been wondering what kind of world we are living in today. Has everyone lost their minds? I see and hear so many things that give me pause, that make me wonder where we are headed and how much worse it can get before it gets better. I wonder how it has come to this and how much more of it can be tolerated.

I feel like people are willing to accept so much more than they should. I find myself living in a world full of violence and dishonesty, stupidity and cruelty, selfishness and greed. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it, but deep down I believe that I am always trying to do what is right. I want to be compassionate, loving, honest and of strong character.

We live in a world where politicians are constantly doing things that are corrupt, dishonest and stupid. Politicians on both sides of the spectrum. A world where professional athletes are treated like Gods. Where they can do anything they want to do and if they are good, really good at their sport, all is forgiven. A world where a black athlete can do unspeakable things to animals and his supporters can say that the only reason it upsets people is because he's black. A world where Micheal Vick's football jersey is a BEST SELLER? I have to believe that those people who support him do not know what he did. Because if they knew, really knew what he did and still supported him, it would be too much for me to bear.

I find myself living in a world where people stand in line and RUN to get a seat at the trial of Casey Anthony. Acting as if they were trying to get the best seat at a Michael Jackson concert. A world where there is non stop LIVE coverage of said trial. For our entertainment. As if the world has forgotten that a baby was murdered and dumped in the woods.

Its become a world where violence and sex are on every channel, all day long. Where video games are more graphic than any person should ever have to see in their lifetime, but people play them for fun. A world where Law and Order Special Victims Unit is entertainment. Nothing more fun than watching a show about rape, child molesting, murder. The movies "Jackass" are tops in the box office.

I look around and see a world full of people who say "everyone deserves a second change" and believe that makes them compassionate. Some people DO NOT deserve a second chance.

I see people propogating hate against others in the name of God. I see people protesting at the funerals of dead soldiers, saying that its God's Will. I see bullies, not just children, but adult bullies. I see them everywhere. I see them teaching it to their children. What a legacy. "My father was a bully, so was my father's father and his father before that".

I see a society of know it alls who take no responsibility for themselves or the mess they have created. A society of people who blame everyone else and who feel entitled to all kinds of things that they haven't earned.

A world where we feed ourselves and our children garbage, nutritionally void crap and say its our right to do what we want, as we watch disease and obesity skyrocket and healthcare become unaffordable and inadequate. It seems so obvious.

More and more often, I find myself shaking my head in disbelief at the things the people will say and do. I wonder how much lower people can go, how much worse it can get, how much more we can tolerate before it becomes unbearable. I wonder where I can go and what I can do to escape the constant barrage of the unbelievable. It makes me incredibly sad. Garbage in, garbage out.

For the love of Maggie

2011-07-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

Michael Vick. I fucking hate Micheal Vick. I hate the Philadelphia Eagles for signing Michael Vick. I hate all the football fans who wear a Micheal Vick Jersey, go see him play, cheer him on, wait for his autograph. I hate BET for giving Michael Vick the "Sportsman of the Year award". I hate Subway for sponsoring that award. I really hate Nike for signing Michael Vick to a contract worth millions. I hate all the people who say "he made a mistake, he did his time, everyone deserves second chances". Michael Vick deserves to die an awful, horrible, painful, scary, slow, lonely death.

I have never been able to read the full details of the exact things he did to those dogs, because once I have that in my mind, I will never get it out. Once I am able to imagine that happening to any innocent living creature, I know that I will never be able to have any peace. That's how I am with things that horrendous. I have seen pictures that I don't want to see and heard stories that bring tears to my eyes and a sickness to my core.

The dogs that were the victims were pitbulls. We have a pitbull. Her name is Maggie and she is the sweetest dog I have ever met in my entire life.

I love her, I love her with all my heart and soul. To think of these things being done to Maggie makes me want to throw up. It is heartbreaking to know that anyone could put that sort of pain and suffering onto a helpless animal and even worse take pleasure from it.

Serial killers often start as animal abusers. That is the type of person who does these things to animals. There is no changing that type of person. Oh, I know, Michael Vick is sorry for what he did, he deserves a second chance. I saw a piece from an interview with him where they asked him if he could change anything, would he. He said that he would not change anything about his life, except for the prison sentence, he said he would have made that like 5 months instead of 18. Really?

Michael Vick has no reason to be sorry for what he did because there have been few consequences. He spent time in jail, but his life now is right back on track. Wow, must be nice. It makes me sick and the people who don't think there is anything wrong with it make me sick too.

To those people, who think that he deserves a second chance and that what he did wasn't really so bad. I ask you this:

I want you to think about someone that you love the most, someone who is a kind and gentle soul, who would love you no matter what. Then I want you to think of that someone being tortured, raped, starved, beaten and electrocuted. Think about the person who did all these things to the one you love, think about them laughing and enjoying the process. Think of them using it for financial gain and spend minimal time in jail, then becoming rich and famous. Think about people defending him and saying its okay because he did his time. Well, I guess it would be okay with you...everyone makes mistakes, right?

All I can do is love my animals more because of it. And I can choose NOT to spend my money with the companies and people who support him. That would be Subway and Nike, who will be next? It just isn't right and no one will ever convince me otherwise.

Long workout...

2011-06-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

Our Rev3 Half Ironman Triathlon is in two weeks - July 10th. We have done quite a bit of running, a little swimming and couple longer bike rides. We haven't done any brick workouts - so no combination of any of the above...until yesterday.

We decided to give it a dress rehearsal and see how ready we are for what's to come. We did this last year too, before our half ironman at Pacific Crest. It makes for a long day, but it is actually fun and I was looking forward to it.

It turned out to be a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky all day long! We started down at the pond at 8 am. We swam two big loops, probably about a mile. We got out of the water and got onto our bikes. The plan was to ride far and end up at home, then run far and end up back at the pond to get our car.

We headed out on the bike down towards Frenchman's Bar. The Rev3 course was changed just last week, so now instead of hills, it will be FLAT. We wanted to simulate this, so we went to the flattest place we know and rode two big loops. We saw so many people we know out for a ride! It was really fun.

We went about 50 miles, a little more. I was feeling tired towards the end and was dreading a 12 mile run. Once we got off the bike, I felt better and was ready to enjoy a run. I was out of electrolytes in my water and I didn't have any more at home, they were all in the car, down at the pond.

It was really warming up, actually starting to get hot as we headed out on our run. I made a change in our proposed course so we could get down to the car sooner and pick up some electrolytes! I was glad we made that change because on the way to the pond, we saw two more familiar faces!

We got down to the car, refilled our bottles and headed out on the path. We were at mile 4 only 8 more to go. Along the path we ran into some more friends! Our friend Jo was out walking her dog - the funny thing is that we had seen her out on a bike ride earlier in the day. She asked what we were going, we told her and she just laughed.

We kept running along the Salmon Creek Path. This path has been flooded over for months now and we were really looking forward to it being all dry and open. Turns out, the water has risen again so the trail was impassable a few miles in. Trevor and I decided to head back to the car, that would make our run about 9 miles and that seemed like a good distance!

We were both satisfied that we were ready for July 10th. We had swam, biked and run for a very long time (6 hours total) and we both felt just fine. Yes, we were tired and yes, we were ready to be done, but we were still having fun. The dogs were waiting for us at home and we had massages scheduled for later in the day, so we wanted to get home.

We made it back to the car, drank our recovery drinks and wandered down to the pond. After a short little walk, we got in the car and headed home.

This day really reminded me of our Ironman training. Last summer, all we did was long workouts - swims or bikes or runs or all of them together. Honestly, I miss that. So today was a great day. I love that I got to spend the entire day with Trevor doing these things that we love. THAT, is a great day.

Training

2011-06-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

So...I don't think I've mentioned this, but we are training for the Rev3 - half iron distance triathlon in Portland on July 10th. That's just two weeks from this Sunday. The last two years, we've done half iron distances (1.2 miles swim, 56 mile bike, 13.1 mile run, we've trained for 16 weeks and I've documented all of it. This year, things have kind of gotten away from us and I would say we've put in a solid 4 weeks of training. And with 2 weeks to go, that would mean we've put in a solid 6 weeks of training! The funny thing is that I have a few other friends who are in the same boat!

The course was supposed to be really challenging and hilly. That was a big concern for me. I was feeling really unprepared. We did our first long bike ride last week - 44 miles of hills and I felt pretty good. So that helped. We did our first open water swim last week, about a mile and I felt pretty good. That helped too, but the swim is in a river - half of it down river, the other half up river. I was concerned about swimming against the current. I wasn't super concerned, but it was in the back of my mind. I'm not worried about the run (knock on wood). I figured it would take me about 7 hours to finish and I was really just wanting to have a good time.

On Friday, I got an email that said the venue had been changed. So, the hilly, challenging route with an up river swim, has now been moved to a different part of town. The swim is in a small calm lake, the bike and run could not be more FLAT. I will admit, I was a little relieved about this, but I was also disappointed because that route will be so boring. Its along Marine Drive - that parallels the river, but goes by the airport.

I have gone from wondering how I will do on the hills to wondering how my ass will be able to stay in my saddle for 3 hours and how it will feel to have no opportunity to coast! I do expect my time to be quite a bit better than if the route was hilly.

The bike and run courses are out and backs, so I will get the opportunity to see all my friends who are there doing the event too!

This weekend we'll do our first swim/bike/run workout. I am excited for race day. Its funny how my perspective on an event like this has changed. Before Ironman, I would be so anxious and scared about it, now it seems like just a fun day of swimming, biking and run with all my friends!!

July 10th....it will be so "fun"

Exhausted

2011-06-20T17:38:00.001-07:00

The Vancouver USA Marathon was yesterday and I feel like I ran it 10 times, but I didn't....I was the volunteer coordinator and I have to say, that was much more difficult!

A year ago, I was invited to be on the Race Committee and then asked to be the volunteer coordinator. I work with the volunteers on our events, the most I've ever had was about 70. For this event, I had over 250 volunteers between water stations, course marshals, Finish area volunteers and people to help at the two day race expo. It was overwhelming and there were many moments when I wondered why I ever agreed to take on this task.

I spent the last month putting together a list of volunteers and all the locations where I believed I needed them, only to find out last week that I needed more. That made me panic a little. Volunteers can make or break an event like this and really, once they are out on the course, I have very little control. If you know me, you know that "very little control" over something is my worst nightmare. I am a control freak. I admit it.

I poured over my list of volunteers and my list of duties. I scheduled and rescheduled. Every time I thought I had it right, I would find another place where volunteers were needed. I always have lots of communication with my volunteers, that way I can get a feel for them and where they would best fit into the event.

After it is all said and done, I think I did a good job of putting people in the right places. There are some volunteer jobs that are awesome at an event like this (ie. handing out medals at the finish line) and some that aren't as glamorous (ie. staffing the recycling stations), but every job has to be done and my volunteers did an amazing job. Several times, we had to re-position people, move them around and people gladly went to where we needed them.

Over the last few days, I have actually gotten emails from people thanking ME for letting THEM volunteer. That's pretty awesome.

Trevor helped out too - he was in charge of the lead bikes. He is the best volunteer! He will go and do whatever needs to be done and doesn't even have to be asked.

We were short a few places, I could have used about 20 more people, but I think we did pretty good with what we had. I am glad its over, I don't want to do it again. I feel exhausted as if I had run the marathon, but my body isn't as sore!

This event was a huge success and I really look forward to running it next year!

My Rod Tidwell

2011-06-13T16:24:00.001-07:00

In the movie Jerry Mcguire, Tom Cruise plays Jerry Mcguire and Cuba Gooding Jr plays Rod Tidwell. Jerry is a sports agent who has lost ALL of his clients...except Rod Tidwell. All of Jerry's hopes and dreams are resting on Rod.

For the last 4 months, I have been training my first actual paying individual triathlete. I have coached groups before for sprint or olympic distance triathlons. I have coached groups of runners and walkers for marathons and half marathons. I have coached Trevor for half ironmans and a full ironman. But I have never had someone pay me to put together a program just for them. Until now.

I have confidence in my coaching ability. I know I put together a good program, I know that I am motivational. I know that I am good resource for all things that come along with training. But you can't teach someone to have heart.

About half way through training for her first half ironman, my athlete ran into an injury and took a couple weeks completely off. Most people would have given up, my athlete did not. She keep a good attitude and never thought it wouldn't still be possible.

Trevor and I have been joking that she is my Rob Tidwell...the only I have and if I can't get her to finish, well, then...how will anyone else ever trust me to train them? Much better to be 1 and 0 than 0 and 1, right?

Last week, she came to see me before she headed out of town for the event. I saw alot of myself in her. She was nervous and just wanted to get started. She has questions and concerns. I gave her my best pre event advice. She hugged me and said "I couldn't have done this without you". I said "you haven't done it yet, tell me that after you cross the finish line".

Saturday was the day. I tracked her all day, her girlfriend emailed me updates. I think I may have been more nervous than her! I was concerned about her injury coming back to haunt her. Watching her times, it became clear to me that it had, she was taking a little longer than planned.

Finally, at 7 pm, I got the email that she had finished and she was hurting. I was SO relieved. About an hour later, she actually emailed me and told me she started to cry at mile 3 on the run when the pain started. That means she went 10 miles in pain. She finished. She did not quit. I am so incredibly proud of her. Even more proud than if she had finished in her goal time. Its the tough days that make us better...that teach us who we really are. Then she said "I couldn't have done it without you".

As a coach, that is the best compliment. That's the idea of a coach...to help you do something you didn't think you could do on your own. She's already signed up for another round of training, for another half ironman. And I am her coach. I love that.

Looking back

2011-06-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

I was just talking to Trevor and he said that I should do a blog post comparing us at our first triathlon to us now. I went back and read my race recap from our very first Sprint Distance Triathlon in August of 2008. You can read that here

Reading it now makes me laugh. To think that I was so afraid of a little triathlon! When I am talking to a beginner about triathlons or coaching one of my athletes, they will say "Yeah, but you did an Ironman". I always tell them about my first triathlon. I completely understand the feelings that many beginners have about these events.

Here is the picture of the bikes we rode that day, our mountain bikes:

And our bikes now:

I remember at our first triathlons, I felt like such an amateur because of the bikes that other people had. I thought they knew it all and must be super fast and confident. As one of "those people" now, I can tell you....anyone can buy a nice bike - it really says nothing about your abilities!!

My first sprint took me an hour and 56 minutes. My last sprint triathlon in July of 2011 took me an hour and 23 minutes..I've improved quite a bit!!

I still remember how afraid I was that day. I remember because I am still that afraid before more of our events. I haven't overcome the nerves. I feel like that first triathlon was really the day that I showed Trevor that I will not quit. These days, he always tells me that he knows I won't quit...me quitting never crosses his mind. It crossed his mind that first day, but I didn't quit and now I have become that kind of person. I love that.

I think it also really showcased the reasons that I love doing things with Trevor. Everything is better when he is there. Its fun because we do it together. We both experience it individually and then compare our experiences together. It was also the day that we caught the crazy bug. We were hooked. Now, just three short years later, we've done a full Ironman, two halfs and are training for another half.

The last line of my race recap from that day says: "YAY....the first of many I suspect."

Yes it was....

If only in my dreams.

2011-06-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

My sweet Gussie has been gone for about 8 months now. There isn't a day when I don't think of him and miss him. I still can't believe he is gone. Last night, for the first time since he passed away, he came to visit me in my dreams.

It was a strange dream, I don't remember all of it, but I remember some. In my dream, Gus was missing. We couldn't find him in the house and I decided to go looking for him. At first, I thought of looking in one direction and then I decided to go another way. As I walked along a path, I saw him curled up under a bench. He lifted his head and saw me. Then he came running to me just as he had every day while he was alive. He was not young and healthy, instead, he was as I remember him towards the end - older and frail, but happy. I bent down and he jumped into my arms. He rubbed his face on my face and I buried my nose into his soft, fluffy fur.

It was so real - the feel of the fur, the sound of purring and the smell of him. I don't know what else happened, but when I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to hold him and touch him and love him for one more minute. The other cats were all asleep around me. I petted all of them and told them that I loved them. I also told them I had just seen Gussie.

I miss him. I really really miss him and wish I could see him again. For now, I'll have to settle for in my dreams.

Ride like the wind...

2011-06-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Since I crashed my bike on August 19th of last year, I have only ridden my bike one time - that was Ironman Canada on August 29th. The bike crash really shook me and made me very afraid to ride. I don't remember being afraid of crashing during Ironman, I was more afraid of my injured arm swelling up, so I didn't have time to think about crashing!

Over the winter, I tried NOT to think about the crash. Every once in a while I would be out running and would remember it - I would feel sick to my stomach. It haunted me. It haunted me because of how bad it was and how bad it could have been. I knew, eventually, I was going to get back on my bike and I would need to work through that a bit.

We had planned our first ride for last weekend. I got our bikes all ready to go. We had never really unpacked them since Ironman - the front wheels were off and they hadn't even been wiped down. Saturday morning came and it was pouring rain, so we put the ride off until this weekend.

This morning, it was a beautiful, sunny 60 degrees and we headed out for a 30 mile ride. I commented to Trevor that I never used to be afraid to ride. He reminded me that I have always been afraid to ride. And he was right. I have never been afraid of crashing, I've always been afraid of cars. I am very aware of what goes on around me, of cars coming up to intersections or coming behind us. Hitting a rock and crashing? Not something I worried about. Now....it seems to be ALL I worry about.

The route we chose for this morning was the same route we rode on that day back in August. The crash happened four miles from home. I wanted to get past that point on the ride. I knew I would be okay after that. I told Trevor that I wanted to go nice and slow.

We geared up. We pulled out our sunglasses that had been packed since Ironman. Mine still had suntan lotion on them. I put on my armwarmers, the same ones I wore for the entire day at Ironman. I had washed them, but they still smelled like lake water and suntan lotion. It really took me back to that day - one of the best days of my life. I started really looking forward to our ride.

She's all ready

We headed out. It was the strangest thing, I was reliving that last ride. I remember it was an overcast, cloudy day. It was our last long ride before Ironman. 120 miles was the plan. We started way later than intended. We were zipping along Fruit Valley Road, headed out to Vancouver Lake. Last summer, they were doing a bunch of construction on that road and so there was gravel always on the pavement. We passed the Frito Lay plant. It was Tuesday and so it smelled like Tortilla Chips. Tuesday must be the day they process those because every week when we rode past there, on Tuesday, it smelled like that. It didn't today, but I was remembering how it did then. We came around the corner and were at the place that it happened. It was on a bend and being there today I realized how lucky I was that no cars were coming behind me. It was a bit of a blind curve and a car would not have seen me on the ground.

Trevor was behind me and was obviously reliving it too because he mad a screaming sound....mocking the noise I made when I crashed. I love him for that. We slowed a bit to pay tribute to the place where our summer took a crazy turn. Then, we put our heads down and kept pedaling.

I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt free. I wasn't afraid anymore and I realized just how much I love to ride that bike. It was brand new last year and it suffered only minor damage in the crash. It still has some scratches on the gear shift and pedal. I felt sorry for this bike of mine....sitting in the garage all winter long, all spring long...wondering when it would get a chance to ride like the wind again. Today was its day. I look forward to a summer full of riding...

Learning to say no

2011-06-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

I have never thought of myself as the kind of person who has a hard time saying no. I would always hear people say "I just don't know when to say no" and I thought that was the most absurd thing I had ever heard. Fast forward to today. I have got to learn how to say no. I just have to. I am so overwhelmed with obligations to other people that I find myself totally exhausted.

I think the problem is that I say yes, when I should say no and then I care way too much about the things I have said yes too. I agree to be on a committee, only to realize that I am the only one on the committee who is willing to actually do the work. I find myself losing sleep and worrying about something that I have volunteered to do, something that really has no bearing or effect on my life, something that is not life or death and doesn't even matter that much.

When you own a business, it seems that everyone wants something from you. I don't know if people think it means you have all kind of free time and money to give, but that is how they act. At least once a week, we are approached to do something or be a part of something. That is great, really, it is. Its nice that people think of us, but if you cannot say no...it is a problem.

I think I finally reached my breaking point a while back. Lately, I have actually told people "I'm not able to help out right now, I am spread too thin. I believe you have a worthy cause and wish you lots of success". Translation - "No".

About a year ago, Trevor told me that I was not allowed to volunteer for anything else. He commented that everytime I went to a meeting, group or organization, I came back with a job...a job that didn't pay.

In some way, I enjoy all the things I have volunteered for, its just too much. I am going 7 days a week right now and I need a break. I have one last major obligation - that will be over by the end of June. After that, I will be an expert at saying NO. I have learned my lesson and will put that knowledge to good use. Enough is enough.

I'm ready to grow young again

2011-05-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

At 9:00 am today, we said goodbye to Opal. As I mentioned in a previous post, we knew the end was near. We had sort of decided that we would take her to the vet on Sunday night, the sore on her backside was getting worse by the day. Sunday morning came and we didn't really discuss what we'd do. We met with our running group and then Trevor worked the store. He asked me to give Opal a bath and check on the sore.

I got home around 11, Trevor would be home around 4. I waited as long as I could to give her the bath because I didn't want to have to look at the sore and I didn't want to have to make a decision. Around 2:30, after Opal took a long nap where she snored louder than ever before, I gave her a bath. She layed on the deck and seemed to enjoy every minute of it. After I got done rinsing her, I looked at it and immediately started to cry. I knew it was much worse and I hated what that meant. I brought Opal back inside and put her on her special blanket. We had a long talk about heaven. We talked about her life and how I didn't want her to be scared. I told her that when the time came, she should just relax and let go - Wookie, Gus and Joyce would be waiting for her. She started to clean her back legs - she wanted them to be ready when she got to heaven, because she planned to run and jump and play.

Trevor called to see how Opal was. I told him and he didn't really respond. He came home from the store and we decided we would wait until the morning. That way, we would have one more night with her. I think that neither of us really wanted it to be the end and so we were somehow hoping one more night would make her better.

Opal was obviously confused. She was up all night crying and barking. I think she was saying "Where's Wookie? Mom told me that I was going to see Wookie tonight". The morning came and I don't think that either of us really believe this was it. We gave her another bath, looked at her sore and finally came to the conclusion that it was time. I called the vet and let them know we would be there shortly.

Maggie and Buster said their goodbyes and we wrapped Opal in the same blanket in which Wookie made his final trip. Opal has never liked to ride in the car. Today, she layed calmly in the back seat with Trevor. I was so worried that she would be scared at the end. I could not tolerate that. So I was glad to see that she was peaceful and calm.

We got to the vet and took her into the room. Trevor said he was going to have them look at her sore, I think it was his final bit of hope that it didn't have to be time. The nurses came in and shaved Opals paw to put in the catheter. Again, Opal stayed calm. We sat on the floor with her and she put her head on Trevor's leg. At that moment, I believe we both knew. We had known before that, but were still in denial, still holding out for some sort of miracle. But at that moment, Opal was letting us know that she was ready. We have a wonderful vet who assured us that we have given her the best life a dog could have.

If you have been at this moment with an animal you love, you know how it feels, you know the impossibility of the situation and you know the amazing grace that is required to see this through to the end. As I told a friend who was going through this - it is one of the most important things you have to do in your life. It is heartbreaking to watch, but we are the center of her world so how could we not be there to comfort her, to let her know that its okay to go.

Opal was her daddy's little girl. Trevor loved her like I loved Gus - about all else. He would have chosen Opal over me and I have always been okay with that. It took a while for her to love me, but after a couple years, she did. Today, I thanked her for loving me. One of the most important qualities in anyone, for both me and Trevor, is loyalty. Above all else, we value loyalty. Opal was the epitomy of loyalty.

We have so many great memories of Opal. Her incessent barking and ball chasing. Her love for her red ball and green toy. Her furry ears and wirey coat. The way she bossed Wookie around. The way she would look at me when I was talking to her and say "I don't know what you are saying, but I like the way you are saying it", how she would walk slowly with me, while Trevor walked Wookie and Maggie and then Maggie and Buster in front of us. How she would cover up her food with blankets in her kennel and hid food all over the downstairs. She was a good dog, a great dog.

On the way home from the vet, I said to Trevor "All our babies are gone and it makes me feel so old". When Trevor and I met, Opal, Wookie and Gus were all so young - between 2 and 4. Now, they are all gone and I just don't know where the years have gone. 11 years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. I miss them all. I love the babies we have now, but I really miss the ones who are gone. I just don't know how we have moved forward without them. There are two qualities in Trevor that make me love him the most - we can laugh at anything and he loves our animals. Even though this is one of the saddest, most difficult days in our lives, we have been able to laugh. Of course, we have cried alot too, but having that little bit of laughter makes it easier to keep moving forward. And loving our animals, well, that goes without saying. We both share the same ridiculous love for these animals. We love them with every piece of our being. I know I couldn't love someone who didn't share that with me.

We still have 5 sweet babies at home to share our love with. Their lives are better because Gus, Wookie and Opal paved the way. Opal had a little white spot on her head that I would kiss. Maggie has a similar spot, only its brown. I told Opal today that when I kiss that spot on Maggie, I will think of her.

I just know that the minute that Opal left this life, she was immediately running to see Wookie and Gus. And right now, I am sure they are all taking a nap in the sun. Together. At least that is what I hope.

Exhausted

2011-05-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

One word: Exhausted. That describes how I feel right now, how I have been feeling for at least a week now. As I mentioned in an earlier post, Opal is nearing the end, and that makes everything else in my life much less important. All I can think about when I am away from her is how little time we have left. I can't kiss her or smell her fur enough. I cannot believe that in the very near future I will no longer be able to do that.

We are super busy with the stores right now and our training group. We put on a 2.5 mile run today. We are also training for a triathlon in July. Things are really busy and we have very little down time. We aren't sleeping all that great because Trevor is down on the couch with Opal and I am in bed with 3 cats who all want to lay right on top of me because Trevor isn't there.

Opal has gotten worse the last few days, Trevor's been holding her food in his hand to feed her. She's starting to demand that now, so instead of even trying to get to her food, she barks as if to say "FEED ME!". This morning I told Trevor I was exhausted. He said he was too because he wakes up every hour to hand feed Opal.

We've been giving her a bath as often as we can because she has developed a sore on her backside from dragging herself around. When we were giving her a bath last night we realized the sore was much worse than we had realized. I saw it at the same time Trevor saw it and we both got silent and teared up. Just like Gus, her body is giving out. She is wasting away in front of our eyes and I think she is ready to go.

Tomorrow evening will probably be time. Just typing that makes me burst into tears. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of making this decision again for another one of our babies. I expect the next 24 hours will be especially difficult. There just isn't enough time.

Opal barks a lot. She always has and it drives us nuts!! This morning she was barking and it was driving me nuts. I was telling her to stop barking and then I realized that I didn't want her to ever stop barking.

She keeps telling me that she can't wait to get to heaven because then her legs will work again and she can run and play and lay in the sun with Wookie and Gus. Joyce (our petsitter who passed away in August) will be there to throw the ball for her.

I know this is all a part of life, but I hate it. I'm tired of it. I am exhausted by it. And I know Opal is too.

Assholes.

2011-05-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's going on, but lately it seems like all I am doing is dealing with assholes. And its really pissing me off. Maybe I am to blame, maybe I am putting out the wrong kind of vibes or energy into the Universe. Maybe I am getting what I am giving. I have been doing some soul searching on that and wondering if deep down I really am a good person or not. But really, WTF is going on?

There is a baseline of assholes that I deal with on a regular basis, but when others start making their way into my life, I have to draw the line. Going along, to get along, can only work for so long. Eventually you have to put your foot down and say "enough is enough". I am at the point and honestly, it feel good to be there. It feels good to say to an asshole - "enough is enough". Trevor is at the same point to - we've hit our limit.

We are involved in way more things that ever before. Trevor commented that we need to back off from some things because when we get involved we care. And we care about things that really don't make any difference, things that wouldn't matter if we weren't involved. We find ourselves being in groups, on committees and boards with people who have no integrity and THAT is probably what we care about most. An issue that doesn't matter, all of a sudden starts to matter when decisions are being made without integrity. I am shocked at the things people will do and say behind closed doors. I am even more shocked that others will sit around in quiet agreement. All it takes is one person to speak up and say "that's not right", next thing you know, the rest of the group speaks up too and integrity wins after all. Lately, I have found myself being the person who speaks up first.

I saw a blog post about a book called: The No Asshole Rule.

Here's dirty-dozen list of everyday asshole actions:
Personal insults
Invading one’s personal territory
Uninvited personal contact
Threats and intimidation, both verbal and non-verbal
Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems
Withering email flames
Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
Public shaming or status degradation rituals
Rude interruptions
Two-faced attacks
Dirty looks
Treating people as if they are invisible

And here are some other good tips:
How to avoid being an asshole:

Face your past. The past is a very good predictor of future behavior. For example, were you a bully in school? If your parents and siblings were assholes, you may have caught the disease. Knowing that you’re an asshole is first step towards change.

Do not make people feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled. If you find yourself having these effects, it’s time to change your behavior no matter what you think of yourself.

Do not mistreat people who are less powerful than you. One of the sure signs of an asshole is treating people like clerks, flight attendants, and waiters in a degrading manner.

Resist assholeholics from the start. The easiest time to avoid becoming an asshole is at the very beginning. Don’t think that you can do “what you have to” to fit in and can change later. It won’t happen.

Walk away and stay away. Don’t be afraid to leave a bad situation. It’s unlikely you’ll change the assholes into good people; it’s much more likely that you’ll descend to their level.

View acting like an asshole as a communicable disease. If you have any sense of decency, when you’re sick, you avoid contact to prevent spreading the disease. So if you act like an asshole, you’re not just impacting yourself; you’re also teaching other people that it’s okay to be an asshole.

Focus on win-win. Children (young and old) think that the world is a zero-sum game. If another kid is playing with the fire truck, you can’t. As people get older they should realize that life doesn’t have to be a win-lose proposition--unless, that is, you’re an asshole.

Focus on ways you are no better or even worse than others. Thinking that you’re smarter, faster, better looking, funnier, whatever than others turns people into assholes. Thinking that you’re no better or even worse keeps you humble.

Focus on ways you are similar to people, not different. If you concentrate on how you and others have similar goals, desires, and passions, you’re bound to be less of an asshole. How can you treat people that are similar to you with disdain?

Tell yourself, “I have enough stuff (money, toys, friends, cars, whatever).” Discontentment and envy is a major factor in becoming an asshole. If you’re happy, there’s no reason to stomp on others.

How to Deal With Assholes:

Hope for the best, but expect the worst. One of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with assholes is that they disappoint you--making you wonder the very value of humans. Lowering your expectations can help reduce disappointment. Don’t solely lower your expectations, though, or you will slip into cynicism (and possibly turn into an asshole too.) Continue to hope for the best.

Develop indifference and emotional detachment. Sutton may be the only author who has the insight and courage to recommend that being indifferent and detached may be a good thing in work environments. If it permits you to survive, then it is. In other words, don’t let the jerks get to you.

Look for small wins. Small victories can keep you going. Most assholes pride themselves in total control and absolute domination. Any victory, no matter how small, can keep you going. Rest assured that small victories can lead to winning the war.

Limit your exposure. You can do what you can to avoid meetings and interactions with assholes. This involves finding or building pockets of “safety, support, and sanity,” to use Sutton’s words. He cites an example of a nurse’s lounge as a refuge from an asshole doctor.

Expose them. If you are safe in your position, then calling assholes out is a good way to deal with them.

De-escalate and re-educate. This strategy requires that the asshole you’re dealing with isn’t a “chronic,” “certified,” and “flagrant” asshole. It means meeting asshole behavior with calmness (instead of either similar behavior or fear) and trying to re-educate the person about how he’s behaving.

Stand up to them. Funny thing about assholes: Standing up to them shouldn’t necessarily scare you. While I was an Apple employee, I was in a meeting with a highly placed Apple exec and Apple’s ad agency. The ad agency person showed the new television spots and said he’d give a copy to the Apple exec and me. The Apple exec told the agency person not to give one to me. I spoke up: “Are you saying you don’t trust me?” The Apple exec answered: “Yes.” To which I replied, “That’s okay because I don’t trust you either.” You know what? The sun rose the next day, and my family still loved me.

I hate assholes. I need to print this out and carry it with me as a reference. Or maybe I need to read the book. Imagine a world without assholes.....its easy if you try. But just like Imaging all the people living life in peace, this too is unlikely. Until then, good luck. We are outnumbered.

Sweet Opal

2011-05-18T17:42:00.001-07:00

A few months ago I wrote about Opal and her deteriorating health. You can read it:
here

Just like the other two who went before her, she is holding on much longer than we expected. Opal has always been very stoic. She never lets on that she is in pain, so its difficult to gauge the extent of her injuries or illnesses. For a while, she was struggling to walk and would fall now and then. She had a hard time waiting until she got outside to go to the bathroom. We knew she was going downhill.

We left her with a pet sitter at the house on April 30th - we were in Eugene for the marathon. She was able to walk a little when we left, when we got home she had lost that ability. We are going on three weeks now that her back legs have completely given up. She drags herself around now.

Many people say that we should just put her down and be done with it. That's not how we work and that isn't what we'll do until we are sure it is time. The others have told us when they were ready. Opal is not ready. She is more frustrated about it than anything else.

Opal is a follower. She has always loved to follow us around. She never just layed in one spot. If you got off the couch to walk into the kitchen, she got up and followed. She is very frustrated that she can no longer do that. If we are in the same room as her, she is happy. If we are not, she barks...non stop barking.

She always slept downstairs and at night we could hear her pacing, she rarely layed down at night. It was like she was on patrol. She can't do that now and so when we go to bed, she barks. The last two weeks, Trevor has slept on the couch so that she will relax a little. This has resulted in a major lack of sleep for everyone in our house. But as Trevor said "its what we do".

Our life is full of routines. During the day, she stays in the living room. The main problem is the step between the living room and kitchen. She can't get up and down that. We decided to put her in the living room on the carpet because it seemed more comfortable. Every night when I get home, she has pulled herself over to the step and is waiting there for me.

I move her up into the kitchen and put her on another blanket while I clean up whatever has happened during the day and do my evening chores. She is very happy to be there with me. She'll sleep or drink water or just lay and watch me.

She has a sore on her back side from dragging herself around - rug burn. We have started giving her a bath out on the deck every couple days to keep that clean. Opal has never liked to be still. But now, she seems to love just laying on her side while I wash and rinse her. She lays her head down and is very peaceful. The warm water and having her mom and dad comfort her must make her feel good. We decided we will do more of that in her remaining days. Anything we can do to ease her soul, we will do.

Every day we tell her that its okay to just go to sleep, but she isn't having any of that. She gets excited when she sees us and is happy to take her pills with meat or cheese. She says "meat pills!!" when we open the fridge. She doesn't cry or yipe in pain. She just seems confused by it all.

Opal is 14 years old. Her collar, that she has worn her entire life, says "Crazy Dog". She has always been a crazy dog. These last couple years she has mellowed out and become less crazy. We love her so much. She is daddy's girl. He raised her from a puppy. I have known her since she was about 3. She used to say "you're not my mom", but now she says "I love my mom".

This is the third time we have been through this in the last 17 months and it does not get easier. It will be a relief when she is gone because its like having a puppy again. She needs constant attention. But we will miss all the things that she brings into our life, all the routines she keeps, all the barking and licking and toy chasing.

Opal is very wire haired, she isn't really soft, but her ears are. We always say that they ran out of material when they were making her and so they had to use some other dog's ears. I always told her that when she got to heaven she'd get to figure out where her ears came from. We talk about that alot. She can't wait to see. She also really misses Wookie and knows that he and Gus are waiting for her. Then, the three of them can all be together again.

We have Wookie and Gus' ashes sitting on the pool table downstairs and we are waiting for Opal to tell us she's ready to go get on the pool table with them. I hope the other two are laying in the sun right now, in heaven, awaiting the arrival of their girl dog. Our lives will not be the same without her.

We love you Opal, its time to let go. For all of us.